Writing Samples  Introductions  Direct Speech for effect  Conclusions

Sample 1 Mrs. Ollestok was evil. Her straight black hair complimented her empty black eyes. Her thin, ghostly face was pale and worn, and she had a slim, fragile body. However, Mrs. Ollestok was anything but fragile. The prodding of her long, sharp, red pointed nails was the consequence of any “cheek”, and when she was really angry, she would simply grab the back of your neck and throw you out through the classroom door. Her stern eyes watched my every move, with hawk-like attention and she never missed a thing.

Credit Variety of language used for effect. Very descriptive of character. Sentence structure varied. Engaging and interesting opening. Accurate spelling and punctuation.

Sample 2 Getting off the plane was most exciting. The hustle and bustle of all the passengers, eager to get to their hotel and sleep, was a big shock to me. Some I could tell were tourists, already taking pictures as they descended the metal steps. I could hear the “click click” of the camera in my ear. Others, more professional looking than the rest of us, were on the phone as soon as the outside air hit their face, chatting about the latest stocks and figures. This was to be my first lesson; there are many different type of people in New York.

Credit Sentence structure varied and used confidently. Descriptive language creates a scene. Introduces essay effectively. Last sentence in particular, very good.

Sample 3 He was the only man, other than my father, I had cared for and loved at such a young age. He was a big “lump” of a man that, in my head, was never cross. He always wore a jolly expression on his face and, although his voice was loud and booming, it had a somewhat soft and gentle nature to it. His big puffy coat was a happy, bright colour of red and trimmed in a lovely snow-white fur. It seemed that this rather large man was growing out of his coat, or maybe it was just his huge round stomach, which had refused to let a button close over. His big black boots and red and white trousers shouted to me, “This man works very hard!” His round, gentle face was a light colour of red and when he smiled his frosty blue eyes sparkled, almost like ice in the light. His soft, overgrown beard covered most of his chin and had finished growing round about his chest. Not only did this man look kind and happy, but he was. He was the man that made Christmas special. The man with the magic reindeer. The man that could travel to every part of the world in one night. Or so I thought.

Credit Detailed description using similes and adjectives. Sentence structure used effectively in last lines. Repetition builds up excitement and then anti-climax of “Or so I thought”, very effective. However, must take care with paragraphs.

Direct Speech used for effect At six years old I started to train at Bridget Sweeney’s School of Irish Dance. Bridget was a short, very fat woman, who always wore her hair in a short bob. She often seemed intimidating, (“You wouldn’t win a toffee apple dancing like that!”) and I could never imagine her in a dancing dress. But, when she danced we were held, mesmerised, as her feet wound a path across the dance floor, every movement perfect, never missing a beat.

Miss Leggett and her constant array of handbags and shoes fascinated me. She was my Primary five teacher, but she wasn’t just an ordinary, run of the mill teacher. When she entered the room, accompanied by her Gucci sunglasses and Elle magazine, followed by a wave of Chanel no. 5, she would sashay to her desk and dramatically slide her slender frame in to her chair. Then in the chirpiest tone manageable for a Monday morning asked, “How was your weekend? Mine was just fabulous, I bought a new Louis Vitton bag!”

Conclusions She had an excellent attitude to life and made sure she enjoyed every day. Even though her appearance suggested someone who was materialistic she was much more. She cared about everyone. She never picked on anyone, even if she was having a bad day. She has no reason to shout, everyone loved her, so not one person misbehaved. I also believe that she was the one who sparked my interest in fashion. She has taught me so much as a person, not just a teacher. She told me I could achieve anything I set my mind to, and to enjoy it at the same time. She told us never to forget it. I never will!

I started to get used to my surroundings. I walked in to my first class, Art. It was my favourite subject, and my teacher could not have been nicer. She was quite old, and appeared to be grumpy, but she turned out to be very kind. By the end of the day I had settled in and I loved Secondary. I walked home and practically bounced in the front door. My mum told me she wasn’t surprised that I liked Secondary. She explained to me how life is a series of different tasks. Each task was a metaphorical wall, and once you got over it, it would seem like it wasn’t such a big deal to start with. After the holidays I was happy to go back to Secondary where I felt comfortable. Until I found my new “wall” to climb…exams.

Errors to Avoid Forgetting to paragraph or doing so incorrectly. Using commas too frequently when it should be full stop. Starting incredibly well, but conclusion lets you down. Running out of time.