Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Well-Being Spirit Rock Meditation Center June 21, 2014 Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net

All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming. - Helen Keller

Suffering External stressors Internal stressors Stress response Survival responses Fight-flight-freeze-appease Shut down, numb out, collapse

Mindfulness and Compassion Awareness of what’s happening (and our reactions to what’s happening) Acceptance of what’s happening Attention circuit and resonance circuit Two most powerful agents of brain change known to science; both foster response flexibility

Resilience Hardiness: capacities to last, to endure, to persevere, to follow through, capacities of determination and grit. Coping: Face and deal with disappointments, difficulties, even disasters; bounce back from troubles, from adversity, from the unexpected, from the truly awful. Flexibility: Adaptability, capacity to shift gears

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptive to change. - Charles Darwin

Resilience Deal with challenges and crises Bounce back from adversity Recover our balance and equilibrium Find refuges and maximize resources Cope skillfully, flexibly, adaptively Shift perspectives, open to possibilities, create options, find meaning and purpose

6 C’s of Coping Calm Compassion Clarity Connections to Resources Competence Courage

Calm Manage disruptive emotions Tolerate distress Down-regulate stress to return to baseline equilibrium

Compassion Care, concern for problems and blocks that de-rail resilience Empathy, compassion for feelings and suffering of self, others Skillful behaviors in response to difficulties and differences

Clarity Focused attention on present moment experience Improves cognitive functioning Self-awareness, self-reflection Shifting perspectives Discerning options Choose wise actions

Connections to Resources People, Places Practices Counter-balance brain’s negativity bias Strengthen inner secure base Access resources

Competence Empowerment and mastery from changing old coping strategies, learning new ones Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do this.”

Courage Using signal anxiety as cue to: Try something new Take risks Move resilience beyond personal self

Practices to Accelerate Brain Change Presence – primes receptivity of brain Intention/choice – activates plasticity Perseverance – creates and installs change

Modern Brain Science The field of neuroscience is so new, we must be comfortable not only venturing into the unknown but into error. - Richard Mendius, M.D.

Neuroscience of Resilience Neuroscience technology is 20 years old Meditation improves attention and impulse control; shifts mood and perspective; promotes health Oxytocin can calm a panic attack in less than a minute Kindness and comfort, early on, protects against later stress, trauma, psychopathology

Neuroplasticity Growing new neurons Strengthening synaptic connections Myelinating pathways – faster processing Creating and altering brain structure and circuitry Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain structures

Mechanisms of Brain Change Conditioning New Conditioning Re-Conditioning De-Conditioning

Conditioning Experience causes neurons to fire Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings Neurons that fire together wire together Strengthen synaptic connections Connections stabilize into neural pathways Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and negative

The brain is shaped by experience The brain is shaped by experience. And because we have a choice about what experiences we want to use to shape our brain, we have a responsibility to choose the experiences that will shape the brain toward the wise and the wholesome. - Richard J. Davidson, PhD

Evolutionary legacy Genetic templates Family of origin conditioning Norms-expectations of culture-society Who we are and how we cope…. …is not our fault. - Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind

Given neuroplasticity And choices of self-directed neuroplasticity Who we are and how we cope… …is our responsibility - Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind

Pre-Frontal Cortex Executive center of higher brain Evolved most recently – makes us human Development kindled in relationships Matures the latest – 25 years of age Most integrative structure of brain Evolutionary masterpiece CEO of resilience

Functions of Pre-Frontal Cortex Regulate body and nervous system Quell fear response of amygdala Manage emotions Attunement – felt sense of feelings Empathy – making sense of expereince Insight and self-knowing Response flexibility

New Conditioning Choose new experiences Gratitude practice, listening skills, focusing attention, self-compassion, self-acceptance Create new learning, new memory Encode new wiring Install new pattern of response

Re-conditioning Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation “Light up” neural networks Juxtapose old negative with new positive Neurons fall apart, rewire New rewires old

De-Conditioning Default network De-focusing, loosens grip Creates mental play space Plane of open possibilities Brain makes new links, associations New insights, new behaviors

Kindness is more important than wisdom, And the recognition of that is the beginning of wisdom. - Theodore Rubin

Keep Calm and Carry On Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amidst the storm. - author unknown

Calm Manage disruptive emotions Tolerate distress Down-regulate stress to return to baseline equilibrium

Window of Tolerance SNS – explore, play, create, produce…. OR Fight-flight-freeze Baseline physiological equilibrium Calm and relaxed, engaged and alert WINDOW OF TOLERANCE Relational and resilient Equanimity PNS – inner peace, serenity…. OR Numb out, collapse

Hand on the Heart Touch – oxytocin – safety and trust Deep breathing – parasympathetic Breathing ease into heart center Brakes on survival responses Coherent heart rate Being loved and cherizhed Oxytocin – direct and immediate antidote to stress hormone cortisol

Oxytocin Hormone of safety and trust, bonding and belonging, calm and connect Brain’s direct and immediate antidote to stress hormone cortisol Can pre-empt stress response altogether

Touch Hand on heart, hand on cheek Head rubs, foot rubs Massage back of neck Hugs – 20 second full bodied

Calm through the Body Hand on the Heart Body Scan Progressive Muscle Relaxation Movement Opposite

Calm – Friendly Body Scan Awareness Breathing gently into tension Hello! and gratitude Release tension, reduce trauma

Progressive Muscle Relaxation Body cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time Tense for 7 seconds, relax for 15 Focused attention calms the mind

Calm through Movement Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40 seconds Body moves into opposite posture (40 seconds) Body returns to first posture (20 seconds) Body returns to second posture (20 seconds) Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds Reflect on experience “Power posing”

Compassion Respond to pain and suffering with open heart, interested mind, willingness to help Care, concern for problems and blocks that de-rail resilience Empathy, compassion for feelings and suffering of self, others Skillful behaviors in response to difficulties and differences

Compassion Sensitivity Sympathy Distress tolerance Empathy Caring Attention to feelings and suffering, self and others Sympathy Tuning in, feeling with, being moved Distress tolerance Being with pain without denial or overwhelm Empathy Understanding without judgment, resistance, submission Caring Warmth, kindness, gentleness in any response

Self-Compassion Powerful and immediate antidote to self-criticism, self-loathing Practice not to feel better but because we feel bad Putting own oxygen mask on first when other people are not around Come into loving connected presence Compassion leads to calm leads to clarity

Compassion for Others - Self Remember moment of compassion and care for another Evoke felt sense of compassion in your body When flow of compassion is steady… Place yourself in flow of compassion, care, concern

Self-Compassion Break Notice-recognize: this is a moment of suffering Ouch! This hurts! This is hard! Pause, breathe, hand on heart or cheek Oh sweetheart! Self-empathy I care about my own suffering, me as experiencer Drop into calm; hold moment with awareness; breathe in compassion and care May I meet this moment fully; may I meet it as a friend

Self-Compassion Break, cont. My pain is the pain; I’m not the only one Kindness to self: May I be safe; May I be peaceful; May I be free of fear; May I be free of shame; May I accept myself just as I am; May I know this, too, will pass; May I know I can be skillful here Choose wisely: re-direct, shift the channel; practice gratitude, metta; share pain with caring other; notice coping and easing of suffering

One for Me; One for You Breathing in, “nourishing, nourishing” Breathing out, “soothing, soothing” In imagination, “nourishing for me, nourishing for you, soothing for me, soothing for you” “One for me, one for you” Practice breathing “one for me, one for you” when in conversation with someone

Mindfulness Focused attention on present moment experience without judgment or resistance. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mindfulness Pause, become present Notice and name Step back, dis-entangle, reflect Catch the moment; make a choice Shift perspectives; shift states Discern options Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome, cultivate wholesome

Between a stimulus and response there is a space Between a stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The last of human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. - Viktor Frankl

Mindfulness Pause, become present Notice and name Step back, dis-entangle, reflect Catch the moment; make a choice Shift perspectives; shift states Discern options Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome, cultivate wholesome

Notice and Name Thoughts as thoughts Patterns of thoughts as patterns of thoughts States of mind as states of mind Identify belief systems and identities as Mental contents, patterns of neural firing

Mindfulness Catch the moment; make a choice - Janet Friedman Every moment has a choice; Every choice has an impact. - Julia Butterfly Hill

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters – Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…I am helpless It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II   I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in…it’s a habit My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk IV I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V I walk down another street. -Portia Nelson

Modes of Processing Focused Defocused Tasks and details Self-referential Defocused Default network Plane of open possibilities

Mindfulness Dissolves the Stuff of “Self” Quantum physics investigates matter Matter is more space than stuff Mindfulness investigates “I” Self is not static or fixed; is ever-changing, ever-unfolding True Self is flow of beingness

Rest in Simply Being Awareness of Awareness Insights, epiphanies, revelations Wisdom teaches me I am nothing. Love teaches me I am everything. Between the two, my life flows. - Sri Nisargadatta

Pre-Frontal Cortex Toggles back and forth between focused and defocused modes of processing Integration of two modes; integration of right and left hemispheres, integration of higher and lower brain Deeper brain functioning; brain itself more reslient

Consciousness True Nature Wiser Self Adult Self Inner Child

Brahma Viharas Loving Kindness Compassion Sympathetic Joy Equanimity

Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Well-Being Spirit Rock Meditation Center June 21, 2014 Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net

Belly Botany Select one square foot patch of ground Observe patch from one foot away/above Observe for 2 minutes Light and shade, movement and stillness, life and decay/death Stand up, look around at the larger view Notice shifts in perspective

Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Well-Being Spirit Rock Meditation Center June 21, 2014 Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net

Connections to Resources People Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart Places …I rest in the grace of the world…. – Berry Practices As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood, the wise shape their lives. - Buddha

Practices as Resources Yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong Sleep Nutrition Movement-Exercise Laughter Learn Something New Hanging Out with Healthy Brains

Sleep Housekeeping Reset nervous system Consolidate learning Take mental breaks

Take Mental Breaks Focus on something else (positive is good) Talk to someone else (resonant is good) Move-walk somewhere else (nature is good) Every 90 minutes; avoid adrenal fatigue

Nutrition Less Caffeine Less Sugar More Protein

Movement - Exercise Oxygen – brain is 2% of body weight, uses 20% of body’s oxygen Endorphins – feel good hormones, brighten the mind Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) - grow new brain cells, will migrate to where needed

Laughter Increases oxygen and blood flow, reduces risk of heart disease and stroke Releases endorphins – body’s natural pain killer Reduces stress hormone cortisol, lowers blood pressure Triggers catecholamines, heightens alertness in brain Releases tension in body, balances nervous system

Laughter Promotes work productivity Promotes group cohesion Reduces stress Promotes creativity and problem-solving Reduces mistakes, increases efficiency Promotes group cohesion Promotes learning (through play) Eases loss, grief, trauma

Learn Something New Speak a foreign language Play a musical instrument Juggle Play chess Crossword puzzles when you don’t know the words

Hanging Out with Healthy Brains Brain is social organ; matures and learns best in interactions with other brains Social engagement regulates nervous system Resonant interactions prime the brain’s neuroplasticity; promotes learning and growth

Positive Emotions-Behaviors Brain hard-wired to notice and remember negative and intense more than positive and subtle; how we survive as individuals and as a species Leads to tendency to avoid experience Positive emotions activate “left shift,” brain is more open to approaching experience, learning, and action

Positive Emotions Gratitude Awe Generosity Compassion Delight Serenity Love Curiosity Kindness Joy Trust

Positive Emotions Less stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness More friendships, social support, collaboration Shift in perspectives, more optimism More creativity, productivity Better health, better sleep Live on average 7-9 years longer Resilience is direct outcome

A hundred times every day, I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other people, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving. - Albert Einstein

Gratitude 2-minute free write Gratitude journal Gratitude buddy Carry love and appreciation in your wallet

Take in the Good Notice: in the moment or in memory Enrich: the intensity, duration, novelty, personal relevance, multi-modality Absorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in body

Circle of Support Call to mind people who have been supportive of you; who have “had your back” Currently, in the past, in imagination Imagine them gathered around you, or behind you, lending you their faith in you, and their strengths in coping Imagine your circle of support present with you as you face difficult people or situations

Positivity Portfolio Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails expressing appreciation of you Assemble phrases on piece of paper Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor, carry in wallet or purse Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days Savor and appreciate

The Peace of Wild Things When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. - Wendell Berry

One summer night, out on a flat headland, all but surrounded by the waters of the bay, the horizons were remote and distant rims on the edge of space. Millions of stars blazed in darkness, and on the far shore a few lights burned in cottages. Otherwise there was no reminder of human life. My companion and I were alone with the stars: the misty river of the Milky Way flowing across the sky, the patterns of the constellations standing out bright and clear, a blazing planet low on the horizon. It occurred to me that if this were a sight that could be seen only once in a century, this little headland would be thronged with spectators. But it can be seen many scores of night in any year, and so the lights burned in the cottages and the inhabitants probably gave not a thought to the beauty overhead; and because they could see it almost any night, perhaps they never will. - Rachel Carson

People as Resources At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by the spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - Albert Schweitzer

True Other to the True Self The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt sense of being held in the mind and heart of an empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other. - Diana Fosha, PhD To see and be seen: that is the questions, and that is the answer. - Ken Benau, PhD

Ah, the comfort, The inexpressible comfort Of feeling safe with a person. Having neither to weigh out thoughts Nor words, But pouring them all right out, just as they are, Chaff and grain together; Certain that a faithful hand Will take them and sift them; Keeping what is worth keeping and, With the breath of kindness, Blow the rest away. - Dinah Craik

Attachment Styles - Secure Parenting is attuned, empathic, responsive, comforting, soothing, helpful Attachment develops safety and trust, and inner secure base Stable and flexible focus and functioning Open to learning inner secure base provides buffer against stress, trauma, and psychopathology

Insecure-Avoidant Parenting is indifferent, neglectful, or critical, rejecting Attachment is compulsively self-reliant Stable, but not flexible Focus on self or world, not others or emotions Rigid, defensive, not open to learning Neural cement

Insecure-Anxious Parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable Attachment is compulsive caregiving Flexible, but not stable Focus on other, not on self-world, Less able to retain learning Neural swamp

Disorganized Parenting is frightening or abusive, or parent is “checked out,” not “there” Attachment is fright without solution Lack of focus Moments of dissociation Compartmentalization of trauma

Attachment - Hindrances Secure - True Nature, Wiser Self Insecure avoidant – aversion/hatred Insecure anxious – greed, grasping, clinging Disorganized – delusion, confusion

Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us Imagine sitting across from someone who loves you unconditionally Imagine switching places with them; see yourself as they see you; feel why they love you and delight in you; take in the good Imagine being yourself again; taking in the love and affection coming to you; savor and absorb.

Welcome Them All Wiser Self welcomes to the “party” characters that embody positive and negative parts of the self with curiosity and acceptance of the message or gift of each part and honors each part of the “inner committee”

The Guest House - Rumi This being human is a guest-house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, Some momentary awareness come As an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. - Rumi

Shame De-Rails Resilience Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes we are capable of change. We cannot change and grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others. - Brene Brown, PhD

Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place. - Zora Neale Hurston Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart

Just that action of paying attention to ourselves, that I care enough about myself, that I am worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to unlock some of those deep beliefs of unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain. - Elisha Goldstein

Reconditioning Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation “Light up” neural networks of problematic memory Cause neural networks to fall apart temporarily and instantly rewire by: Juxtaposing positive memory that directly contradicts or disconfirms; Focused attention on juxtaposition of both memories held in simultaneous dual awareness Causes the falling apart and the rewiring

Reconditioning Anchor in present moment awareness Resource with acceptance and goodness Start with small negative memory “Light up the networks” Evoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirms Simultaneous dual awareness (or toggle) Refresh and strengthen positive Let go of negative Rest in, savor positive Reflect on shifts in perspective

Wished for Outcome Evoke memory of what did happen Imagine new behaviors, new players, new resolution Hold new outcome in awareness, strengthening and refreshing Notice shift in perspective of experience, of self

Relational Intelligence Setting limits and boundaries Negotiating change Resolving conflicts Repairing ruptures Forgiveness

Forgiveness - I For the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself, that I have betrayed or abandoned myself, out of fear, pain, and confusion, through action or inaction, in thought, word or deed, knowingly or unknowingly… I extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.

Forgiveness - II For the ways that I have hurt and harmed you, have betrayed or abandoned you, caused you suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion… I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness.

Forgiveness - III For the many ways that others have hurt, wounded, or harmed me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger… I have carried this pain in my heart long enough. To the extent that I am ready, I offer you forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.

Forgiveness is not an occasional act; It is a permanent attitude Forgiveness is not an occasional act; It is a permanent attitude. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Competence Empowerment and mastery from changing old coping strategies, learning new ones Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do this.”

You can’t stop the waves, But you can learn to surf. -Jon Kabat-Zinn

As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood, the wise shape their lives. - Buddha

Competence Bodily felt sense of “Sure I can!” Based on previous experience No matter what, no matter how small Ownership

Learning Model Unconscious Incompetence Conscious Incompetence Conscious Competence Unconscious Competence

Find the Gift in the Mistake Regrettable Moment – Teachable Moment What’s Right with this Wrong? What’s the Lesson? What’s the Cue to Act Differently? Find the Gift in the Mistake

Coherent Narrative This is what happened. This is what I did. This has been the cost. This is what I learned. This is what I would do differently going forward.

I am no longer afraid of storms, For I am learning how to sail my ship I am no longer afraid of storms, For I am learning how to sail my ship. - Louisa May Alcott

In every community, there is work to be done In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it. - Marianne Williamson

Courage It’s as wrong to deny the possible As it is to deny the problem. - Dennis Seleeby

Courage A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. - Grace Hopper Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure thing-taking - Tim McMahon

Do One Scary Thing a Day Venture into New or Unknown Somatic marker of “Uh, oh” Dopamine disrupted Cross threshold into new Satisfaction, mastery Dopamine restored

Boundin’

There is a natural and inviolable tendency in things to bloom into whatever they truly are in the core of their being. All we have to do is align ourselves with what wants to happen naturally and put in the effort that is our part in helping it happen. - David Richo

Mastering the art of resilience does much more than restore you to who you once thought you were. Rather, you emerge from the experience transformed into a truer expression of who you were really meant to be. - Carol Orsborn

Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Well-Being Spirit Rock Meditation Center June 21, 2014 Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net