Difficult Conversations WA Equal Justice Community Leadership Academy

Learning Objectives At the end of this session, participants will be able to: Identify 3 conversations within a difficult conversation Prepare for and participate in a “difficult conversation”

What are Difficult Conversations?  Difficult conversations are anything we find it “difficult” to talk about

Why Difficult Conversations Matter Conflict is inevitable Whether conversations are destructive or productive determine the degree & quality of: –Working relationships –Organizational effectiveness –Communication –Decision-making –Morale –Teamwork

Left-Hand/Right-Hand Conversation Left-HandRight-Hand

What makes difficult conversations difficult What happened Identity Three conversations Feelings

What can/cannot change What cannot change: –Difficult conversations still difficult “what happened” complex and tangled; still have emotionally charged situations that feel threatening because important aspects of identity at risk, etc. What can change: –How we respond to each of these challenges

Meet Chris & Colin

Colin & Chris: Left-Hand/Right-Hand Conversation What Chris thought & felt but didn’t sayWhat Colin & Robin actually said

The What Happened Conversation Truth v. Perception Blame v. Contribution What Happened Intent v. Impact

Truth v. Perception: Why we have different stories We have different information –We see different things – We have access to different information We have different interpretations –Different experiences –Different implicit rules –Conclusions reflect self-interest Truth v. Perception Blame v. Contribution What Happened Intent v. Impact

Truth v. Perception: The Ladder of Inference Available Information Available to me Available to them Select data: What I notice Add meaning: How I interpret what I notice What I conclude What they conclude How they interpret what they notice What they notice

What happened: Blame v. Contribution This is your fault! You dropped the ball. How did I contribute? What was my role in the problem? Truth v. Perception Blame v. Contribution What Happened Intent v. Impact

What happened: blame to contribution Rather than focusing on who is to blame, look for mutual contribution –Blame is about judging and looks backward –Contribution is about understanding and looks forward Misconceptions about contribution: –I should only focus on my contribution –Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings –Contribution asks “what did I do that helped cause the situation?”

Difficult conversations can threaten our identity Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? The Identity Conversation Difficult conversations are not just difficult because we have to face the other person, but because we have to face ourselves. What happened Identity Three convers ations Feelings

Feelings Conversation What kind of emotions did I feel? Why? What was the impact of this on me? What happened Identity Three convers ations Feelings

From difficult to productive conversations Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it Extend invitation: Start from the third story Explore their story & your storyProblem-Solve

Step 1: Prepare by walking thru 3 Conversations What is the problem –From my perspective? From their perspective? –What is my data? What is their data? What have we each contributed? –Me? Them? What were our intentions v. impact? –Why did I do that? Why might they have done that –What was impact on them? What was impact on me? Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it Extend invitation: Start from the third story Explore their story & your story Problem-Solve

Step 1 cont’d: Sort out the 3 conversations Understand Emotions Ground your Identity What happened Identity Three conversati ons Feelings

Step 2: Check purposes Check your purposes and decide whether to raise it –What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation? –Deciding: is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purpose? Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it Extend invitation: Start from the third story Explore their story & your story Problem-Solve

Step 3: Extend invitation; Start from third story Describe your purposes: let them know that your goal for the conversation is to understand their perspective, share your own and talk about how to go forward together. –Invite, don’t impose –Make them your partner in figuring it out –Be persistent Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it Extend invitation: Start from the third story Explore their story & your story Problem-Solve

What is the “third” story? The third story is the one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in the particular problem Within the “third story”, you will describe the problem in a way that rings true for both sides, e.g., not right or wrong, better or worse – just different

Extend an invitation; state your purpose “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.” "I’d like to talk about ______ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.“ "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“ "I think we have different perceptions about ______. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“ "I’d like to talk about ________. I think we may have different ideas on how to ______.“ "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about _______. I really want to hear your feelings about this & share my perspective as well."

From difficult to productive conversations Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it Extend invitation: Start from the third story Explore their story & your storyProblem-Solve

Between Retreats 2 and 3 Prepare for and have a difficult conversation