Assertiveness Confirming confidently, positively. To defend one’s rights or opinions, sometimes with unnecessary zeal. Chambers Dictionary Expressing opinions or desires strongly and with confidence so that people take notice. Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary

Assertiveness Passive Assertive Aggressive

Assertiveness PassiveAssertiveAggressive Style Not expressing needs Self-devaluing Waiting to be led Honest, open, direct Recognises own rights Listens to others’ needs Domineering, insisting Win / lose Not listening Non- verbal behaviour Small posture Quiet, hesitant voice Little eye contact Upright, balanced pose Firm, clear voice Steady eye contact Interrupting Loud Staring, pointing Language Sorry to bother you … I can’t seem to … It’s only my opinion I believe/need/I’d like No (when appropriate) Open questions That won’t work You can’t be serious Your problem / fault

Assertiveness and self-confidence methods 1.Know your facts and have them to hand. 2.Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your responses. 3.Prepare and use good open questions. 4.Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression - display positive writings where you will read them often - it's a proven successful technique. Assertiveness

3.Prepare and use good open questions. Questions that bullies dislike most are deep, constructive, incisive and probing, especially if the question exposes a lack of thought, preparation, consideration, consultation on their part. For example: 'What is your evidence for what you ’ ve said ?' 'Who have you consulted about this?' 'How did you go about looking for other solutions?' 'How have you measured the problem ?' 'How will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if you implement it?' Assertiveness

Potential scripts: ”When you ……… I feel ……… because ……… and I would like / need ……….”

Assertiveness Barriers (FEAR) “I won’t be able to handle it.” Others’ decisions Others’ attitudes Patterns: - not wanting to upset - not wanting to put out - acquiescing Lack of self-belief Lack of clear intentions

Assertiveness I’m OK You’re not OK You’re OK I’m not OK

Assertiveness I’m OK AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE You’re not OK You’re OK PASSIVE / PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE I’m not OK

Assertiveness Actions (LOVE) Only you can know what’s important for you. (So the same’s true for others) Focus on that Stick to that Show / demonstrate the positive …. …. imagine getting positive back Value yourself …. and continue to

Assertiveness Metaphysical / ‘Holistic’ writers (USA): Need a new, different way to relate to one another Universal spirituality Unconditional acceptance Focus on personal change and positive effects will ‘ripple out’ to others if necessary. The present conditions contain everything you need (to learn)

Assertiveness ‘Those who see themselves as weakened do attack. The attack must be blind however, because there is nothing to attack. Therefore they make up images, perceive them as unworthy and attack them for their unworthiness. That is all the world of the ego is.’ Schucman, H. & Thetford, W. (1996) A Course in Miracles

Assertiveness ‘Don’t believe yourself and don’t believe anybody else.’ The Four Agreements: Be impeccable with your word Don’t take anything personally Don’t make assumptions Always do your best Ruiz, M. (2004) The Voice of Knowledge

Assertiveness ‘Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. When I think, “You should be on time,” I’m in your business. To think that I know what’s best for anyone else out there … is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what’s right for myself ? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.’ Mitchell, B.K. (2002) Loving What Is

Assertiveness Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround Is it true ? Can you absolutely know that it’s true ? How do you react when you think that thought ? Who would you be without that thought ? Turn it around Mitchell, B.K. (2002) Loving What Is