How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York: Harper Collins.

Help Them Deal With Their Feelings Accept their feelings. Accept their feelings. Listen with full attention. Listen with full attention. Acknowledge their feelings with a word – Oh, Mmm or I see. Acknowledge their feelings with a word – Oh, Mmm or I see. Non-judgmental listening Non-judgmental listening Give their feelings a name. Give their feelings a name. I can see youre frustrated. I can see youre frustrated. Give them their wishes in fantasy. Give them their wishes in fantasy. I can tell that you didnt like the movie. Ill bet you wish you had seen Wall-E instead. I can tell that you didnt like the movie. Ill bet you wish you had seen Wall-E instead.

When you give a feeling a name, also be specific. When you give a feeling a name, also be specific. To show empathy – that you understand. To show empathy – that you understand. Dont say, I understand… because you probably dont. Dont say, I understand… because you probably dont. Respond with The movie was a little scary in the part where the transformer was blown up. Respond with The movie was a little scary in the part where the transformer was blown up.

Dont repeat exact words back, rephrase. Dont repeat exact words back, rephrase. Dont repeat the names they call themselves. Dont repeat the names they call themselves. No: Youre not so dumb because it took you three hours to do your homework. No: Youre not so dumb because it took you three hours to do your homework. Yes: It must be discouraging when work takes longer than you expect. Yes: It must be discouraging when work takes longer than you expect.

To Engage a Childs Cooperation Describe what you see, or describe the problem. Describe what you see, or describe the problem. Theres a wet towel on the bed. Theres a wet towel on the bed. Give information. Give information. The towel is getting my blanket wet. The towel is getting my blanket wet. Say it with a word. Say it with a word. The towel! The towel! Describe what you feel. Describe what you feel. I dont like sleeping in a wet bed. I dont like sleeping in a wet bed. Write a note. Write a note. Please put me back so I can dry. Please put me back so I can dry.

Instead of Punishment Express your feelings stronglywithout attacking character. Express your feelings stronglywithout attacking character. I statements, not you statements. I statements, not you statements. Im furious my tools were left out all night! Im furious my tools were left out all night! State your expectations. State your expectations. I expect my tools to be put back after theyre borrowed. I expect my tools to be put back after theyre borrowed. Show how to make amends. Show how to make amends. What these tools need now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease. What these tools need now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.

Give the child a choice (consequences). Give the child a choice (consequences). You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice. You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice. Take action to follow through on consequences. Take action to follow through on consequences. Child: Why is the tool box locked. Child: Why is the tool box locked. Father: You tell me why. Father: You tell me why. Problem solve. Problem solve. What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that Ill be sure theyre there when I need them? What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that Ill be sure theyre there when I need them?

To Encourage Autonomy Let children make choices. Let children make choices. Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants. Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants. Show respect for a childs struggle. Show respect for a childs struggle. A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon. A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon. Dont ask too many questions. Dont ask too many questions. Glad to see you. Welcome home. Glad to see you. Welcome home.

Dont rush to answer questions. Dont rush to answer questions. Thats an interesting question. What do you think? Thats an interesting question. What do you think? Encourage children to use sources outside the home. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion. Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion. Dont take away hope. Dont take away hope. So youre thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience. So youre thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.

Praise and Self-Esteem Describe what you see. Describe what you see. I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up on the shelf. I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up on the shelf. Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show that you are not brushing them off and that you thought about it. Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show that you are not brushing them off and that you thought about it. Describe what you feel. Describe what you feel. Its a pleasure to walk into this room! Its a pleasure to walk into this room!

Sum up the childs praiseworthy behavior with a word. Sum up the childs praiseworthy behavior with a word. You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens and put them in separate boxes. Thats what I call organization! You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens and put them in separate boxes. Thats what I call organization! Give the praiseworthy behavior a name. Give the praiseworthy behavior a name. Dont overdo praise or be too enthusiastic. Dont overdo praise or be too enthusiastic. You must be honest and authentic so you dont interfere with a childs desire for accomplishment. You must be honest and authentic so you dont interfere with a childs desire for accomplishment.

Dont use I statements, such as, Im so proud of you. Dont use I statements, such as, Im so proud of you. Use you statements such as What an achievement. You must be so proud of yourself! Use you statements such as What an achievement. You must be so proud of yourself! Point out what they do right. Point out what they do right. Dont point out mistakes, it will keep them from trying. Dont point out mistakes, it will keep them from trying. Reward with praise and recognition. Reward with praise and recognition.

Positive Labels and Roles Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling prophecy). Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling prophecy). To the roles we put them in To the roles we put them in Get me my glasses – servant. Get me my glasses – servant. Mary, youre being bossy again – bossy. Mary, youre being bossy again – bossy. Overheard: My oldest is a problem child. – a problem. Overheard: My oldest is a problem child. – a problem. Use positive labels and roles. Use positive labels and roles.

Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself. Youve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new. – careful and responsible. Youve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new. – careful and responsible. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers? Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?

Model the behavior youd like to see. Model the behavior youd like to see. Its hard to lose, but Ill try to be a sport about. Congratulations on beating me. Its hard to lose, but Ill try to be a sport about. Congratulations on beating me. Be a storehouse of your childs special moments when they did something good. Be a storehouse of your childs special moments when they did something good. I remember the time you… – reinforcing. I remember the time you… – reinforcing. When a child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. When a child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. I dont like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you! I dont like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you!

Remember Parents, managers, and leaders are role models. Parents, managers, and leaders are role models. Children and employees will model your behavior. Children and employees will model your behavior. How you act, they will act. How you act, they will act. How you treat them is how they will treat others. How you treat them is how they will treat others.