Transitions: adopted persons and their families Presenter: Jaclyn Skalnik, MSW, CAPSW Adoption Wellness LLC Coalition for Children, Youth & Families August 7, 2014

Transition - definition a movement, passage, or change from one state, stage, concept or subject to another

The Three Goals: To help parents understand why transitions can be critical to an adopted child To help parents understand why transitions can be critical to an adopted child To identify when your child is stressed To identify when your child is stressed To provide techniques to minimize or manage the stress/anxiety related to transitions To provide techniques to minimize or manage the stress/anxiety related to transitions

Core Issues of Adoption for the Adopted Person 1. Loss 2. Rejection 3. Guilt/Shame 4. Grief 5. Identity 6. Intimacy & Relationships 7. Control/Gains

What Causes Stress & Anxiety for Adopted Persons? The unknown / new situations The unknown / new situations Not having basic needs met Not having basic needs met Fears Fears Trauma Trauma Loss Loss Expectations Expectations

Examples of Transitions: Life events: birth, adoption, death, marriage or divorce Life events: birth, adoption, death, marriage or divorce Move to a new home Move to a new home School School Friends Friends Adults/authority Adults/authority

Reactions to Transitions All children have their own reaction to transitions. Adopted persons may react to transitions differently based on their history, personality, age, experiences, trauma, loss and how they are parented. Responses: external reaction external reaction internal reaction internal reaction

School Starting a new school Starting a new school Returning to school after a break Returning to school after a break New teacher New teacher New friends New friends Triggers of core adoption issues: Triggers of core adoption issues: Loss Loss Separation Separation Identity Identity Authority Authority Expectations & Rejection Expectations & Rejection

Family Events Birth, foster or adoption of a new child =Threatens the child and is seen as competition Marriage, separation or divorce =Challenges permanency, love and perpetuates rejection Death of a pet or loved one =Abandonment, grief or loss

Tools for a Parent’s Backpack School: Be Planful and Intentional -Arrange a visit to a new school prior to the school year starting -Take photos and create a story-board -Involve the child in the preparations of school (supplies, clothing, etc.) -Connect with other families and their children -Establish a “plan” with the school

Tools (cont.) New Home -Involve the child in the packing and moving -Give the child some control over their new space -Have a closing ceremony at the old house and an opening ceremony at the new house -Retain a tangible symbol to transition between homes

Tools (cont.) New Family/Caregiver -Create and review a memory or life book that includes photos, notes or special memories -Transitional item: photo, blanket, favorite item, etc. -Keep dialogue open about feelings -Support the child with reinforcing statements regarding their permanency and role

Tools (cont.) New Relationships -Encourage safe space -Support boundaries -Supervise new meetings -Talk with parents -Keep communication open -Be cognizant of social anxiety, fear of rejection and people-pleasing attempts

Tools (cont.) New Family Member -Prepare for the new family member with casual discussion -Include children in the home in preparing the new child’s space -Encourage deliberate, uninterrupted special time with other children in the home -Validate all children’s feelings

Tools (cont.) Death of a Pet or Loved One -Talk about the emotions being experienced -Review photos and memories of the loved one -Validate the loss before reinforcing the gains -Self-disclose -Attend or create a ceremony of closure

What Else Can You Do? 1. Validate the child’s feelings 2. Be in touch with our own feelings/emotions and recognize our own barriers and communication styles 3. Remember all children experience things differently 4. Acknowledge the child’s history and experiences and how it may impact the situation

Adopted persons with a history of separation, loss, grief, trauma or neglect, may experience transitions with elevated levels of stress and anxiety. This is a natural coping mechanism based on their body’s memory of early experiences that may have been less than ideal. Loved ones of adopted persons can help support a healthy transition by being mindful, deliberate, sensitive, empathetic and patient.