The 7 Stages of Marriage Presented by Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. Council for Relationships July 3, 2008 Smart Marriages Happy Families San Francisco, CA

The Timeline of Marriage Embrace Change Every marriage is unique. Change never, ever stops. Incredible, inevitable journey Live your stage. Cultivate love

What difference does a Stage make? Life experience is dynamic, changing and dimensional Life cycle development is predictable Life cycle development is individual, interactional, and intergenerational Life cycle development is marked by the passing of time

What is unique about the “7 Stages”? Developmental issues and tasks have been identified Normative events are described Practical exercises and activities useful in educational workshops and counseling practice

The Benefit of Knowing the 7 Stages Provides a roadmap for today and tomorrow Normalizes the experiences of marriage Knowing the missions for the stages provides focus

Marriage Today Marriage is a value What the Stats tell us The Reader's Digest Survey The Benefits of Marriage

Reader’s Digest Survey The Survey Says….. Marriage Isn’t Broken It’s Really About Trust Laughter is More Important than Sex Guys Get Gushy About Marriage, Too Challenges Make Us Stronger

7 Stages at a Glance Passion Realization Rebellion Cooperation Reunion Explosion Completion

Measuring Your Marriage Life Long Journey Stages don’t have start times – or ending dates. Two stages can overlap. You can “repeat” or revisit an earlier stage. You can use the lessons of an earlier stage to enhance your current stage.

PASSION The Love Cocktail – Know the essential ingredients

The Missions Mission 1 – Savor the Passion Mission 2 – Forge a Sense of “We” Mission 3 – Learn your Love Languages Mission 4 – Build Emotional Intimacy Mission 5 – Expand Your Sexual Vocabulary

REALIZATION The rose-colored glasses come off now – differentiation begins

The Missions Mission 1: Understand your Expectations Mission 2: Open, Honest Talking Mission 3: Learn Empathetic Listening Mission 4: Be Friends Mission 5: Split Household Chores Fairly Mission 6: Become a Money Team

REBELLION Me, Me, Me! Growth through conflict - from control to compromise.... on to negotiation

The Missions Mission 1: Turn Power Struggles into Acceptance Mission 2: Move from Conflict to Problem- Solving Mission 3: Set and Pursue Healthy Personal Goals Mission 4: Renew Your Spirituality Mission 5: Recover from Infidelities Mission 6: Forgive Your Spouse and Yourself

COOPERATION Lots to do – work, family, friends, future planning Not enough time Not enough money Not enough sexual intimacy

The Missions Mission 1: Let Parenthood Strengthen Your Marriage Mission 2: Settle Conflicts – and Connect as Friends Mission 3: Invite Romance Back into Your Marriage Mission 4: De-Stress – and Make Love Again

REUNION The First Stage of the Rest of Your Marriage – strengthening mutuality

The Missions Mission 1: Shift Your Focus Back to Your Marriage Mission 2: Get off Autopilot Mission 3: Welcome Boomerang Kids – Without Neglecting Your Marriage Mission 4: Use Your Marriage to Create Good Health

EXPLOSION Random Crises Health -physical/emotional Work Family Trauma

Caring for Aging Parents Mission 1: Make Care giving a Team Effort Mission 2: Enjoy Your Marriage

Depression Mission 1: Fight the Depression Mission 2: Protect Your Marriage – and Yourself

Job Loss Mission 1: Set a New Budget – and New Priorities Mission 2: Support Each Other

Weight Gain Mission 1: Feel Good about Your Body Mission 2: Take care of your health and reduce your spouse’s anxiety

COMPLETION Recreating and Enjoying Life Continuity and Loss

The Missions Mission 1: Keep Your Marriage Growing Mission 2: Play – And Be in the Moment Mission 3: Share a New Sense of Meaning and Purpose Mission 4: Reorganize Your Time, Your Territory, Your Tasks

Applications for Workshops

Applications in Counseling Couples

Thank you! Rita DeMaria, Ph.D Note: The actual presentation PPT presentation may differ from the handout copy. Participants may contact Rita DeMaria for an updated handout.