Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Elaboration – Week 2 OSPI High School Instructional Support Materials for Writing Version 2 These materials were developed by Washington teachers to help students improve their writing. 1

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. OSPI Writing Instructional Support Materials Core Development Team Nikki Elliott-Schuman – OSPI, Project Director Charlotte Carr – Retired Seattle SD, Facilitator Barbara Ballard – Coupeville SD Anne Beitlers – Seattle SD Marcie Belgard – Richland SD Betsy Cornell – Moses Lake SD Lydia-Laquatra Fesler – Spokane SD Lori Hadley – Puyallup SD Lissa Humphreys – East Valley SD (Spokane) Kathleen McGuinness – Kennewick SD Lisa McKeen – East Valley SD (Yakima) Sharon Schilperoort – Yakima SD Holly Stein – Eastside Catholic High School 2

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Purpose To share teaching strategies that will help students develop a piece of writing that elaborates on a single idea and addresses the needs and interests of a particular audience. Elaboration is critical for clear and effective writing. 3

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda – Day 1 Define elaboration Link to WASL Quick write Identify elaboration strategies anecdotes or scenarios examples definitions facts and statistics quotations descriptions Reflect 4

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What is Elaboration? 5

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Definition of Elaboration Elaboration means To tell the reader more using Specific words Extensions (phrases, clauses) Onion-like layering of detail Specific strategies, e.g., anecdotes or scenario, lists for specificity, examples, definitions, descriptions, quotations, statistics, and facts. 6

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Elaboration and the WASL The quality of elaboration is directly related to scores on the Content, Organization, and Style portion of the Writing WASL. The best writing has multiple layers of relevant elaboration. When WASL papers were analyzed, specific layered elaboration was the most critical element that differentiated between scores of 2 and 3 and scores of 3 and 4. Thoughtful elaboration is guided by the needs of the audience. Top scoring WASL papers show clear audience awareness. Source: WASL scoring team, OSPI Standards Review Committee report 7

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quick Write Think about a time when someone wrote you a note that said, Theres a new kid coming to our school tomorrow. What kind of details would you want to know? What kind of details were left out? Why is having enough information important? 8

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? ANECDOTES – An anecdote is a short narrative inserted into an essay that develops an idea or argument. This sounds like... Hey, I remember the time when I had to carry my... Once when I was in middle school, the kids would always.... 9

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with an anecdote. You cant give up, Jack. I remember one time when I played on the high school baseball team. We were losing, and it was the 8th inning. Everyone was getting discouraged, and then the coach said, BOYS! Youve got to RALLY here! Turn your ball caps around and GET OUT THERE! So, Jack, turn your ball cap – I mean ATTITUDE – around and get out there! 10

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Anecdotes – Your Turn Look at the paper you wrote last Tuesday, Sport or Activity, and identify some stories you could use to weave into that essay. On your own paper, write a short anecdote that might work. Share this with your partner. Discuss the images in the anecdote that are vivid. 11

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? EXAMPLES – provide more specific information about an idea. This sounds like… The cats were all acting like they were crazy. For example, one jumped at me … We had a barrage of different weather last week: hail, rain, snow, and sunshine. My brothers always seem to pick on me. For instance, they hide my soccer shoes before a game. 12

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with an example. The game of golf can be played for an entire lifetime and by yourself. People of any age can go out and play a round of golf whenever they want as opposed to team sports. For example, football, soccer, and volleyball take an entire team of people to play. How many times are you going to call up ten or more of your friends and go play sports? 13

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Examples – Your Turn Examples are an effective way to help the reader understand your ideas. Think about a situation at school and write two examples. Share them with your partner. How do the examples help explain? 14

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? DEFINITIONS – are a restatement of an unfamiliar word or phrase to tell the reader what it means. The best part of our hot lunch program is the A La Carte. What I mean is the little deli line-up past the lunch line where you can buy cookies, slushies, and candy bars. 15

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with a definition. One of the best programs at our school is something called Brainworks. Brainworks is an after-school program where kids go and do their homework. They even let you work on the computers there. I like it a lot because the lady who runs the program keeps everyone pretty quiet. At my house, I have 6 little brothers and sisters, and there is never a quiet place to work. 16

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Definition – Your Turn Defining specific words shows an awareness of your audience--what they know and what they may not know. Talk to your partner about some of the lingo you hear at school. Write a definition of one word for your parents and then write a definition of that same word for a third grader. How did your definition change depending on the audience? 17

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? STATISTICS and FACTS – are the numbers (data) and information that help support your idea or argument. Mom, did you know that 98% of all my friends get to stay up until 1:00 AM on weekends? Well, Son, did you know that 3 out of every 4 parents would have grounded you for staying out so late? Kids who smoke at an early age are prone to heart attacks later in life. 18

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with facts and statistics. Another craze to sweep America was the low-carb diet. It was reported in the newspaper after the last holiday season that 67% of all Americans were low- carb dieting. Let me tell you the personal impact that has had on my familys wheat farm here in Washington. 19

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. STATISTICS and FACTS – Your Turn Talk to a partner and come up with a statistic about school, e.g., number of football games won, number of friendly teachers, amount of time wasted in class. Think of what statistics would convince the audience. Share an idea with the whole group. 20

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? QUOTATIONS –words someone says that can help support your idea or argument. Spaying or neutering dogs and cats is the single best gift a pet owner can give. Dr. Stein, the veterinarian from the animal shelter, agreed when he said, 21

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with quotations. Another reason to graduate from high school is that even technical jobs require a diploma. Jared Turner from Best Performance Welding magazine states, We wont even consider hiring a person without a high school diploma. Our workers need to read the job specs, monitor equipment performance, and write orders and reports. Turner went on to describe the many qualified applicants who compete for the positions in his busy firm. This seems to be different from the good old days and makes a pretty decent point about staying in school. 22

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quotation – Your Turn Quotations or simple dialogue can add information and credibility to your idea or argument. Tell your classmate what a world famous principal and author of The Best Schools for Kids might say about your school. 23

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quotation – Your Turn Talk to your partner about some possibilities of people you might quote regarding an issue at school. Take the statistic in your last example and turn it into a quotation. Share one example with the class. 24

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. What does elaboration look like? DESCRIPTIONS – a way to create vivid images for the reader. The sound of my phone cut through the silent class, and I anxiously dug into my backpack to grab it before Mrs. Schuman, the writing teacher, noticed. Pawing through Chapstick, lipstick, gum wrappers and rubber hair wraps, my hand darted around the deep pockets of my backpack. Must shut off ringer,I thought. 25

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Develop your point with description. Jackie walked slowly to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial exhibit. In her hands were two yellow daffodils that she had brought with her on the hour-long bus ride. Their green stems, snapped from the patch in the backyard, were slowly drying out. 26

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Description – Your Turn Description can take many forms and still be effective. Show, dont just tell, your reader. Be specific with your word choice. Try to create an image that appeals to your readers senses. Work with your partner and write a paragraph that describes your schools cafeteria. Elaborate using sensory details. 27

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection In your own words, define elaboration. Why is it important? What kind of changes will you make in your writing now that you have learned about elaboration? 28

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda – Day 2 Review elaboration strategies Quick write Identify specific details vs. general language Show, dont tell Reflect 29

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? The main reason I love Halloween is the candy. Oh my gosh, its like heaveneven for big kids. What Im trying to say is that my mom lets me collect and eat all the mini candy bars, fruity treats, and sour chewies that I can. When I get to heaven, it will have all those kinds of candy. Last year, I was running out the door at 5:30, pillowcase in hand, hitting the houses in my neighborhood with my friend Steven. You might not believe it but I got 237 individual servings of candy, and it was my highest record yet. I figure at 20 pieces a day it took me 12 days to polish it all off. Theres nothing better than candy if youre a kid. 30

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? What Im trying to say is that my mom lets me collect and eat all the mini candy bars, fruity treats, and sour chewies that I can. DEFINITION 31

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? Last year, I was running out the door at 5:30, pillowcase in hand, hitting the houses in my neighborhood with my friend Steven. ANECDOTE 32

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Where is the elaboration? You might not believe it, but I got 237 individual servings of candy, and it was my highest record yet. I figure at 20 pieces a day, it took me 12 days to polish it all off. STATISTICS 33

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Recognizing Elaboration with a Partner The following paragraphs are also about Halloween. Working with your partner, use your Elaboration Strategies handout to help you highlight and label the strategies in each of these paragraphs. What kinds of elaboration do you find most effective in these paragraphs? What kinds are easy to recognize? 34

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quick Write The difference between the best word and a good word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -Mark Twain What did you think Twain meant by this? 35

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Words Are Like Rocks They come in all sizes. Small rocks represent small words; big rocks represent big words. BUT… 36

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Rocks are not as strong as CONCRETE. CONCRETE details are the specific, exact names of things. Using CONCRETE details will make your paper stronger, just like CONCRETE makes a building stronger. Concrete details are SPECIFIC. 37

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Be specific. Your word choices do not have to be Big words, Fancy words, Words from a thesaurus, or Single words, but can be phrases or clauses. Remember, to elaborate powerfully and effectively, you need to be SPECIFIC. 38

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Explain the difference between these two sentences. Be specific. A. The room was a mess. B. Rumpled bedspread, piled up clothes, and a jumbled dresser greeted me as I pushed my way into the room. 39

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Definition of Telling and Showing Telling is the use of broad generalizations. Showing is the use of details, facts, statistics, examples, anecdotes, quotations, description – elaboration – to develop, persuade, explain, or to enliven a story. 40

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Show with Description White shirts are dumb. White shirts are hard to clean, show pizza stains, and make you look like a waiter in a cheesy restaurant. 41

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. There are many fascinating things to see at the Farmers Market, which has been around for a long time. Rows of tangerines, crisp red apples, long purple eggplants, and succulent strawberries invite the shopper to stop at every farmers stand. Many of the farmers in the Farmers Market have sold their home-grown vegetables and fruits since the early 1900s when the market was the only place to buy fresh food in the city. Now the market has expanded to include bakeries, funky antique stores, and a comic book vendor. The market is a visual feast for tourists and a keepsake for our town. 42 Telling vs. Showing 1

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. The Beatles started a new trend in music in the mid-sixties. For many Americans the evening of February 9,1964, was a turning point in musical history. On this evening the Beatles made their debut in America on the Ed Sullivan television show. Kathi Anderson, then sixteen in Chicago, remembers, My friends and I sat shaking and hugging each other on the couch in my living room as the Fab Four bounced out onto the stage. Their shaggy hair shook as they sang I Want to Hold Your Hand and She Loves You with an energy and sound wed never heard before. We were instantly and forever in love. That night the British Invasion, as it was called, began. 43 Telling vs. Showing 2

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. The Seattle Sonics game against the Minneapolis Timberwolves on Friday night ended with the Sonics beating the Timberwolves in overtime. Ray Allen, the Sonics star, struggled all night with his shot, but he ended up scoring 32 points for the game. Allen averages 31.5 points per game. According to the City Daily News, "Allen was 7-for-24 from the field in regulation, but went 3-for-4 in overtime, including two 3-pointers, and scored all but two of Seattle's points in the extra five minutes." With that win, Seattle won the first game of the new season. 44 Telling vs. Showing 3 The Seattle Sonics, led by Ray Allen, won Fridays game.

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Manastash Soccer Field has caused more injuries to players than any other in the valley according to Tony Vela, the director of the North Valley Soccer Association. The field is nothing more than sand and hard clay; clouds of dust explode into the air when players kick the ball. My players say its hard to see and breathe. When they fall, they end up with bloody shins. Vela called upon the North Valley Parks Department to spend its money on fixing fields rather than on useless advertising. 45 Telling vs. Showing 4 Manastash Field is a dangerous field.

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. General vs. Specific Rewrite the sentence on the left, using specific and interesting language. School lunches are (good) (bad). Choose either side. 46

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Showing Sentences – Your Turn With a partner, write several sentences that show rather than tell. The pumpkin rolled down the hill. The man in the car was angry. You should have been at the concert. The blue car won the race. The pizza was delicious. 47

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Showing Sentences Select a narrowed topic of your own. Write a telling sentence on that topic. Write a paragraph or two that shows your telling sentence. Share with a partner. 48

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection How would you explain this lesson to a student who didnt attend class today and needs extra help? 49

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda – Day 3 Discuss the Elaboration Scoring Guide and score two papers Practice with elaboration Score for elaboration Reflect 50

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. How to Score Elaboration Discuss the Elaboration Scoring Guide. Look at the examples on the following two slides and score them using the Elaboration Scoring Guide. 51

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Gr 10 - Drama - student sample (Pre-lesson) Besides helping to forget the problems life throws at us for a while, acting is a fun learning experience. You get to pose as characters who are much different from yourself. You can be heroes or villains. Acting is also good because for a short period of time, you get to walk in someone elses shoes. With acting, you can be whatever you like. 52

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Gr 10 - Drama - student sample (Post-lesson) Besides helping to forget the problems life throws at us for a while, like bad grades on a test or fighting with your girlfriend, acting is a fun learning experience. You get to pose as characters who are much different from you, such as Vin Diesel, Ryan Atwood, or even Harry Potter. My friend Benjamin, who goes to Metro High School, had to play a really geeky guy in our schools production of Bye Bye Birdie. Actually, hes popular and plays drums in a band and could be a poster boy for Abercrombie. Acting is also good because for a short period of time, you get to walk in someone elses shoes yourself. You can be an evil janitor, Martin Luther King, Jr., or a giant mouse. With acting you can be whatever you like. 53

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Write to a prompt. Your teacher has learned that a 10th grade student from another state is moving to your area. Write a multiple-paragraph letter to the new student explaining what it is like to live in your community. Remember to Select and narrow a topic. Plan the organization of your paper. Use details and elaboration strategies. Show, dont tell! 54

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Score your papers. With a partner, read your papers and use the Elaboration Scoring Guide to score your elaboration. Highlight areas where you used details that show rather than tell. 55

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflect. After assessing your paper, what did you learn about your ability to elaborate? How was the scoring guide helpful? Be specific. What do you think you should work on next? Put this onto your goal form as well. 56

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda – Day 4 Quick write Understand layering Identifying layering on the WASL Reflect 57

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Quick Write Explain why you like candy or some other food. Elaborate. Use the Elaboration Strategies handout for ideas. When you are finished, highlight the elaboration strategies you used and identify them. Share the strategies you used with a partner. 58

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Layering Elaboration A thoughtful writer - layers one sentence after another. - adds to or develops the thought with each new sentence. …like rings around a bulls-eye. 59

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Lists vs. Layers Dont add boring, list-like sentences just to make the paragraph longer. REMEMBER – length doesnt always mean quality elaboration. List-like example Having lots of choices is the reason why I eat at school. I love nachos. I like the pizza at school. Sometimes I order salad when I am feeling full. I have some favorite vegetables. 60

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Layering sounds like Having lots of food choices is the reason why I like my schools lunchroom. I can select my favorite foods for lunch everyday. I sometimes pick cheesy nachos with the melted cheese sauce smothered over the hot crispy chips. If I dont want anything that greasy, like nachos or pizza, I can choose a made-for-me salad. This means I get to choose what goes on it and my favorite veggies, including olives, peppers, and tomatoes. The best thing is I can pick a food that fits my attitude that day. TOPIC 61

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Another Layering Example Skiing down a Black Diamond run gives a rush like no other. What appears like a peaceful sport is really a contrast to the 50-mph feel of the wind in your face, waist-high moguls to weave in-and-out of while your thighs scream, Stop! With a wind-chill of minus 10, you still have sweat dripping under your long johns as your adrenaline pumps through your veins. You cant wait to get to the bottom of the run and do it again. 62

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. More Practice with Layering On the WASL, students who had higher scores layered, rather than listed, their details. Look at the WASL examples and discuss in groups how listing is different from layering. Share with the large group. 63

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Layering – Your Turn Choose one of the following two topics. Then write a paragraph practicing elaboration by layering each sentence and developing the main idea. 1. The parking lot at _______ High is where the real education takes place at school. 2. _______ is what I live for on the weekends. 64

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Read for conventions. Basic spelling (including homonyms) Capitalization Punctuation Periods (run-togethers), apostrophes (possessives), commas, question marks especially in rhetorical questions Subject-verb agreement, particularly number agreement with their (pronoun referents and verb agreement) Complete sentences Paragraphing Conventions on your own personal list in your folder 65

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection Look at the Quick Write you wrote at the beginning of this class today. What kinds of elaboration strategies did you use? Can you find evidence of layering? Underline a sentence that you could change in which you could add some layered details. 66

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Agenda – Day 5 Write to a WASL expository prompt Read for conventions Compare with WASL Scoring Guides Reflect 67

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Remember Use what youve already learned about choosing a topic narrowing the topic organizing your ideas checking for convention s 68

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Remember Use what youve already learned about elaboration, showing vs. telling, layering, using specific details. 69

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Write On-Demand Write to this prompt. You have been asked to choose one or two items that will show what life is like in your high school in The one or two items will be placed in a time capsule, a container that will be assembled, buried, and then opened sometime in the future. Write a multiple-paragraph letter to your school board identifying the one or two items and explain why you have selected them. You may use a commercially published thesaurus and/or dictionary in print form. 70

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Read for conventions. Basic spelling (including homonyms) Capitalization Punctuation Periods (run-togethers), apostrophes (possessives), commas, question marks especially in rhetorical questions Subject-verb agreement, particularly number agreement with their (pronoun referents and verb agreement) Complete sentences Paragraphing Conventions on your own personal list in your folder 71

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Compare with WASL Scoring Guides. Review the WASL Scoring Guide and Expository Checklist. Write. What did you do well? What is still a challenge? 72

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Compare with WASL Scoring Guides, continued Now have a partner identify and discuss What were the areas of strength? In what areas could the paper be stronger? On your own Score your own paper. What score did you earn, and why? 73

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Reflection Today you experienced writing in a testing situation. What different approaches to choosing, narrowing, and organizing a topic did you try? How have you improved? What kinds of elaboration did you try and what kinds do you still need to work on? Add these to your goal form. 74

Copyright 2006 Washington OSPI. All rights reserved. Feedback, please We welcome your comments. Please feel free to try these lessons and send feedback to Nikki Elliott-Schuman at We appreciate your labeling the subject line as Feedback: OSPI Instructional Support Materials. 75