MIND CONTROL Understanding self-regulation and calming techniques for better communication and relationships.

Self Regulation What are we ‘regulating’ and why? Reactions to events - people Thoughts – feelings - behaviour Meaning - beliefs Patterns Self concept - self esteem Healthy - toxic stress

If we flip our lid… (Kate Cairns) …the downstairs brain - instantaneous response Fight  Remove the threat Flight  Remove self! Freeze  Infantilise to attract adult help  Immobility, big eyes, smiles, perhaps incontinence … and the upstairs brain - strategies and behaviours Aggression  Safety through dominance Absence  Safety through concealment Appeasement  Safety through manipulation … SURVIVING not thriving

Putting the lid back on… Escalation Stress  adrenaline, cortisol, etc.  rising blood pressure  shallow breathing  increased muscle tension The downstairs brain is in charge SURVIVAL De-escalation Vagus nerve (invol. nervous system)  oxytocin, dopamine, etc.  lowering blood pressure  deeper breathing  reduced muscle tension The upstairs brain is back in action SAFETY

Toxic Stress Toxic stress has an impact on brain trauma. Approximately 20% of people experience a potentially traumatic event in any given year (Joseph, 2011, p22) Threat response Unconscious / automatic responses Made more difficult by insecure attachment Three important considerations: – Safety – Relationship – Narrative / Meaning

Self Regulation The arousal and calming sides of the nervous system need to be in balance to enable brain function. In adults self regulation can be conscious as well as automatic. If unable to self regulate, we need someone to co- regulate. Children and young people are less able to self regulate as their nervous systems are still developing and need to connect with self-regulating adults. If we are unable to self-regulate we need someone to co-regulate with us.

Behaviour is… What is behaviour? Often accompanied by value judgements i.e.. good or bad Part of a range of communication – babies / young children rely on this. 70% of communication is non verbal

Behaviour is… A manifestation of unspoken feelings… and then expressed as a form of communication…

Behaviour We all have different experiences, expectations and values. How we personally experience or understand behaviour of others or our experiences determines how we will react to it. This is the meaning we attribute to our experiences and this can be based on our beliefs about ourselves and the world.

The Reality is that… A child will not develop a trusting relationship until they have had an experience of being held and feeling secure (SAFE). They will not develop positive relationships until they have experienced an unconditional positive relationship.

……. Neither will they truly learn to understand other people’s point of view until someone has repeatedly and consistently understood theirs. (EMPATHY) How can children control their feelings if the adults around them don’t control theirs and how can they understand and contain them if no-one has contained theirs for them or helped them to understand what is happening.(CO-REGULATION, CONTAINMENT)

RED FLAGS What make you feel hopeless…? What makes you ANGRY??

Your Triggers What are the things that trigger unhelpful behaviours in you? Be specific – think of an example. Do you understand your trigger? How does that trigger relate to your beliefs?

Beliefs / thoughts that cause me problems 1.People must like me or I will be miserable. 2.I can’t control myself when you wind me up. 3.I should be better than others. 4.I must never show I’m weak. 5.I’m no good. 6.People should do what they want. 7.Adults should trust me. 8.Nobody can tell me what to do. 9.Everyone is against me. 10.No one likes me. 11.I have to do what my friends tell me. 12.I’m ugly and no one will love me.

Beliefs What are two beliefs you hold strongly: 1.Helpful belief 2.Unhelpful / inaccurate belief How has this belief changed? How has this belief NOT changed.

Growth Mindset (Carol Dweck) Mindsets are beliefs — beliefs about yourself and your most basic qualities. Think about your intelligence, your talents, your personality. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone and that’s that? Or are they things you can cultivate throughout your life?

Fixed vs Growth People with a fixed mindset believe that their traits are just givens. They have a certain amount of brains and talent and nothing can change that. If they have a lot, they’re all set, but if they don’t... So people in this mindset worry about their traits and how adequate they are. They have something to prove to themselves and others. People with a growth mindset see their qualities as things that can be developed through their dedication and effort. Sure they’re happy if they’re brainy or talented, but that’s just the starting point. They understand that no one has ever accomplished great things—not Mozart, Darwin, or Michael Jordan—without years of passionate practice and learning.

Resilience Resilience is the ability to survive and thrive even under difficult conditions. Resilience develops and is exercised through meeting challenges successfully. Vulnerability and resilience fluctuate. Not just coping. Need to feel safe, emotionally supported, understood. Network

THANK YOU !! Presenter: Natalie White Ph: