Why a father can’t be more like a mother --- and why he shouldn’t be Presentation

JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D. Professor, Santa Clara University Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos Father of a daughter and a son “Semi-Retired soccer and little league coach

Origins Scope 3 Variables

Fatherhood 4 Quantity of time with children 4Don’t ever be a “Mister Mom” 4Know your own father

QUANTITY OF TIME l Quality time grew out of the notion of quantity of time with children l Advantages of unstructured, “hanging-out” time with children

ESCHEW BEING A SUBSTITUTE MOTHER l If a child already has a perfectly good mother, there is no need for a less qualified person to be a mother substitute. l “Mister Mom” is insulting to women and demeaning to men l What the child needs is an equally good father

KNOW THY FATHER l Who was your own father? l What was his life like as a boy, a teen, a new dad? l What impact did your birth have on him? l What is the legacy you carry from your father? l What you don’t know about your own fathering, you will be destined to repeat or ignore?

Mothers and Fathers are DIFFERENT

What Differences do You Experience? What Differences do you see in others?

FATHERS PARENT FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN MOTHERS PARENT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT

Mother’s unbreakable emotional umbilical cord

HOLDING l When a woman picks up an infant she rolls the baby into her breasts l Providing comfort, warmth and security l When a man picks up a baby he hold the baby up, facing him or the world l providing a sense of freedom and a shared world

PLAY mom dad l Child directs the play l Dad directs the play builds a sense of teamwork, fitting into the larger world builds child’s imagination, creativity and self esteem

DISCIPLINE Mom Dad l Adjusted moment by moment to reflect child’s feelings and current state l stresses importance of feelings and temporary changes in situations. Allows for flexible limits l Determined by rules l Stresses importance of rules, social demands and sets firm limits supporting security

Sine Qua Non A safer bet than the Rams in the Super Bowl

I AM MALE Therefore I DO NOT MULTI-TASK

The Corpus Callosum dads have no invisible emotional umbilical cord Serial problem solving based on the life and death implications of hunting and war The “why” is both genetic and environmental

Gender & Communication men women l Time limited l Bottom line first l One subject at a time l Shoulder to shoulder l Clear expectations l Primarily informational l Relationship based l Story first l Many subjects interwoven l Face-to-face l Open expectations l Primarily relational

For most men Valentines Day Is experienced as National Damage Control Day

l What’s the topic? l Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?

IMPACT OF POOR FATHERING l FEARS OF ABANDONMENT l SEARCH FOR A ROLE MODEL l LACK OF A POSITIVE MODEL FOR MALE INTIMACY l LOWER SELF ESTEEM

SONS WITHOUT FATHERS l OVER-DEPENDENCE OR DISTANT/ FEARFUL OF INTIMACY l Look to women to define intimacy l Withdrawal or aggression l Gang membership

DAUGHTERS WITHOUT FATHERS l No experience of male intimacy l less experience of external psychological limits l Expectations of female-like intimacy with men l Adult relationships with men who leave l less competitive