Foster Cline MD Bonnie Burnett Idaho School Counselor Association Oct 2, 2015

Piloting Relation Ships for 30 Years : Things I’ve learned while enjoying the storms

The greatest gifts we can give a child are LOVE, HOPE and HIGH EXPECATIONS

Frequent Truisms:  You can argue about anything in front of the kids – if you solve it, EXCEPT how to handle the kids  Kid’s must accept the first answer they get  Disturbed kids have most of their problems with female authority figures  If onechild has significant problems and the sibs are okay, it is probably NOT scapegoating or a parenting problem  If all the children are those you would not take off the shelf, it is probably a parenting problem.  Parents back each other in front of the kids.  Women with demanding and difficult fathers often find nice men “boring”  If everyone in the school feels they understand a student best and distrusts how other adults are handling the child, the child is likely manipulating.

Basic Trust Causal Thinking Ability to Plan Ahead Conscience Formation The ABSOLUTE essentials of first year development

Rules for battle  Avoid Control battles at almost all cost  If you MUST have a battle, win it at all costs  Therefore, pick the issue carefully!

Neurotic CharacterDisturbed For everyone there is a someone How do people handle stress? Nurturing Critical Adult Adapted compliant rebellious Free

Wide Eyed Silly Questions Whining Kids Needy kids Demanding Kids Heel Squinty eyed Parents who answer ‘em Pleading adults Over gratifying adults Insecure adults Doormat Michael Fay Monsters in closet Folks Deserve Each other “I’d like you kids to quiet down”

He tattles. Can’t teach em to sit up straight He’s a bully & won’t listen He feels so helpless He’s looking to us to come up with some answers A kid brings a “clock” to school. I really like him….. I think he is struggling We See What We Expect!

Cycle Of Hostile- Dependency L

Some things not on our Sonar  Counseling blind from our background and culture Confusion of equal outcome with equal opportunity Culture of victimization and inability to cope Children raised with entitlement and overprotection Weakening with rescue

Dr. Cline’s Rules for Rescue 1) It’s seldom effective to go more than half way for a problem people have caused themselves. 2) Rescue is ineffective if there is no thank you 3) In our culture, rescue (even with poor results) if life and limb are in danger

Danial Kish: Can expectations lead the blind to see? Belief affects outcome….. The line moves! Blindness is a social construction Blind organizations lead to incapacity The Para-educator is there to keep the child safe We are slaves to our dreams, expectations and belief systems

I’ll get it for you…. Please let me help you Let’s both get it I’ll help YOU get it Why do you want it? Why didn’t you get it before? Why me? Rescue vs. Problem Solving

Personalize the behavior Ascribe motivation Say, “Am I going to hafto…… Give excuses:“He can’t do his homework - “control his behavior.’ Don’t get the right verbal response first Don’t give the right response enough time to sink in Commonly Used Methods to Increase Frustration:

1)Every attempt to maintain mutual respect. 2)Students expected to solve their problems without making problems for others. 3)Students are expected to cope with consequences 4)Students are expected to learn from logical consequences. 5)Students are given the right of due process. 6)School problems handled by school; Criminal problems by law enforcement. Love and Logic Core Discipline

1)Are you unhappy? 2)Are you partially responsible? 3)Do you want to change that? 4)Do you want to work hard? 5)Do you want to work hard my way? Contract for Change….. Must have a “yes” on each before moving on