Module 5: Developing an enabling relationship Training Kit : Personalised Social Support 2012 Shirin Kiani and Annie Lafrenière (Technical Resources Division) Handicap International 2012

Overview 1.What is an enabling relationship? 2.Reasons to use an enabling relationship –Barriers and bridges to enabling 3.How to develop an enabling relationship with… –An individual, –Families –A group

What is an enabling relationship?

Who knows best?

1.Plan how the other person would spend 1 day in the capital city with 100$ (local equivalent) to spend. 2.Decide what you yourself would do with 100$ in the capital, for 1 day.

Comparing 2 kinds of relationships Authoritative (disabling): It is directive- me telling you what to do ‘I know best’ Enabling: It is non-directive - me helping you decide what you want to do ‘you know best’

Result of enabling: Self-determination When people are enabled by a social facilitator, they determine their own path = SELF-DETERMINATION FOR INDIVIDUALS: Build their capacities and decision- making power by developing their self-confidence, self-esteem, ability to start things and control over their own life.

Reasons to use an enabling relationship Is it really beneficial?

Reasons to enable… For the person, you are enabling Gain more power, actively involved from the beginning --> better results Experience being part of a healthy relationship, prerequisite to succeeding in other goals. They are choosing to achieve what they truly want and will not feel resentful towards you For you, as social facilitator Learn to share power (important for professional growth) and learn different ways people lead their lives

Barriers to enabling Enabling is not easy, but it is possible.

Barriers coming from the social facilitator Personal values conflict with work values: Privately discriminates the person, believes the person is less than them (believes in charity versus rights to equality- Module 1). Is used to power imbalance: thinks it is the normal way to work, there is no other way. Does not know how to enable: Has difficulty inspiring/motivating someone to do for themselves relationship.

Barriers from facilitator (cont’d) Projecting their desires, values and solutions on the person instead of listening to them. Wanting fast results: feels it is too slow to enable someone, facilitator has less control over the results, wants to show their own competence/skills. Focusing on results not process/relationship: using an authoritative/directive approach, make decisions for the person, to move the goals forward. Too involved emotionally: facilitator unable to step back to enable the person, feels too sympathetic about the situation of the person.

Barriers coming from the person Dependency: is used to others making decisions for him/her, unable to. Conflict with their social role. Difficulty being honest: about life situation and feelings, wants to show a good face. Difficult transition from no power in personal life, to having power when working with social facilitator - can be frightening, anxious, uncertain about what this means to their life. Discriminates towards social facilitator - thinks its persons job to make decisions/guide

Success of enabling depends on the person’s ‘readiness’ As a social facilitator, you need to assess if the person is ready to be enabled before you start your work. Ready means they are motivated to be active in working with you. Reluctant means they are not motivated to be active and want you to make decisions for them.

Bridges to enabling How YOU can get ready to enable someone

Bridges to enabling Understand what is going on in yourself: What are you thinking and feeling when you work with people? Do you believe in enabling others? Accept your own ignorance: You may assume you know how to treat people equally and give them power, but do you really? Have you done this before? Remember: the person owns the problem and the solution. Though you may think you are there to solve the persons problem, that is not your role, it is to help them solve their problems in their own way.

Bridges… cont’d Accept each person as an individual and work with them as such Practice a non-judgmental attitude: people feel, think, and behave differently. All decision-making rests with client, constantly remind both of you of this Focus on the person making slow, personal gains, instead of quick results made by your work

Enabling relationships with children Good balance between guiding the child and giving them choices Use child-centered communication: play, creative, non-verbal, expressive techniques. go at a child’s pace, listen for direct and indirect communication, Listen with your FEELINGS AND YOUR EYES, not just your ears.

Enabling children (cont’d) Watch the child’s reactions as children may not always express themselves verbally (e.g. head down and looking away when ashamed, jumping up and down when happy!) Sit at the child’s level and keep eye contact. Ask them to tell you about their day and observe how they communicate. Paying attention encourages the child to communicate.

Enabling children (cont’d) Be non-judgmental, if the child feels disapproval, s/he will hide true feelings. Keep instructions short, simple and specific. Do NOT ignore or blame the child, this will impact them negatively.

How to develop an enabling relationship with… an individual families a group

Enabling relationship with an individual 1st meeting How to be, What to do, What to say 3 angles of enabling

1st meeting is important 1.Focus on person’s attitude/emotions for coming to see you. 2.Ask open questions to see types of responses person gives. –How do they see the world/their community? –How do they see you? How see themselves? 3.Explain how enabling relationship works: “as I see it, my role… 4.Ask them what they hope to get out of the ‘relationship’ or time together. 5.Observe behavior and thinking, in their response

How to be Empathetic: enter the person’s world, understand what is going on emotionally for the person Non-directive: you are looking to collect information to understand the person. Do not judge the person for how they are living their life, seek to understand only.

How to be (cont’d) Do not take issues that are important to a person and make them small. Value the feelings of the person on different issues. Observe what the person is NOT saying Be more interested in how a person experiences a problem (thoughts, feelings, behavior), than what the persons problem is. Observe behavior/life patterns repeated many times.

What to do Share personal experiences to inspire. Share only the necessary, do not take over conversation Lead person to their own conclusions, not to the answer you want, question openly not narrowly. Inform person of all available options/ alternatives, with no value attached to any option. Give choices. Help THEM evaluate the outcome of each option, and them make their own choice. For more specific issues: invite them to look at situations that are not working, more closely, to identify their OWN solutions. Acknowledge the person’s emotions

What to say Silently lead a person forward help them express, using –Silence, with nodding or open body posture –Acceptance: “I see”, “uh-huh”, “yes, please tell me more…” –Paraphrasing” “You said that you feel like this… Be a mirror: –Restate what you hear, reflect what person is feeling Do not give immediate answers to the person, help them come up with their own solutions. Use humor - with good timing and sensitivity.

What not to do: disabling relationship Give advice or tell person what to do Lecture someone: “you should have done this…” Asking too many questions: person feels interviewed, but not heard. Asking “Why?”: may leave person feeling inadequate. Saying: The solution is ‘easy’

3 angles of enabling From the front: encouraging participation, prodding forward, giving choices and ideas Side by side: working together to develop the plan, evaluating options together From behind: monitoring and letting the person guide the process independently High self-determination Low self-determination

Enabling relationship with families How families can be enabled, and enable the individual

Tips for enabling family All members of the family should have a space, a meaningful role that contributes to the family. In the same way you enable a person, the family can be enabled to make family decisions on issues and make family plans. The family’s decisions should not oppose the decisions of the individual and it is really important to make sure you stay neutral and allow a family to resolve a conflict themselves.

Enabling relationship with a group

Enabling a group Make sure that you are focused on helping the entire group get more self-reliant and not just on a few individuals. Make sure the group itself is united and moving in one direction together. Stay true to the goals and the direction of the group, and not just individuals.

Link to practice * Give participants 10 minutes to answer this question individually on a piece of paper, and then do a roundtable with each person sharing some of their answers Based on what you learned today, what stood out the most for you? What are your current barriers to having more enabling relationships in your work? What are 3 things you’d like to work on to develop an enabling attitude?