John R. Williams Inter-Family Harmony Getting In-Love with In-Laws

NEXT TIME Create scenarios that illustrate key points:  Not knowing what to call in-laws  In laws undermining respect for the husband  In laws undermining goodness of wife; badly affects the wife’s confidence and hurts her (this actually helped end one brother’s marriage)  Needy parent wants to move in or have them move into their house to share expenses (this has an ambiguous outcome, no right or wrong, but illustrates point about trying to love but don’t do more than you can handle)  Ask couples to spend 5 minutes solving each one and then share results Highlight key points and go over lecture

Marriage Bridges Two Families A strong bridge has good balance  Honors your elders and new siblings  Builds and protects your own marriage and family Marriages by parental matching have the advantage  Both sets of parents are cooperative with each other  Both like their son or daughter’s spouse

Stress Is Natural with Parents-in-Law  Parents are possessive and protective by nature  Parent and spouse both love the same person  Spouse’s gain is often parent-in-law’s loss

What Are Potential Areas for Disagreement?

Potential Areas for Disagreement  Too strong mutual attachment with son or daughter  Siding with own son or daughter against their spouse  Sharing a household  Money and other gifts with strings attached  Holiday visiting  Differences of values and religious practice  Cultural misunderstandings  Control of family events  Childcare and parenting differences  Favoritism of certain grandchildren

Dealing Well with In-laws 1 1.Find a good way to address your in-laws  Helps you comfortably talk with them  Prevents their feeling offended or isolated Options:  Use variation of Father and Mother that you didn’t use with your own parents  Use this variation with their first or last names  Use Mr. or Mrs. with their first names  Imitate your spouse’s way  Make up a nickname  Use a word from your or their native language

Dealing Well with In-laws 2 2.Support your spouse’s family relationships  Avoid making them choose between you and them 3.Maintain a unified front  Be loyal to your spouse  Stand together for your family’s needs

Dealing Well with In-laws 3 4.Take your mate’s complaints seriously  In-laws may act differently when you are not around  You may be so used to it that you are blind 5. Set limits and enforce them  Decide your family rules and values as a couple and tell others as needed  Enforce these limits together; be flexible but don’t be bullied

Dealing Well with In-laws 4 6. Make your own relationship with your in-laws  Communicate directly as much as possible  Repair problems quickly yourself 7.Win over the most influential relative  It may not be obvious who it is

Dealing Well with In-laws 5 8. Watch your words  Try not to criticize or complain; time heals many problems  Avoid complaining about your spouse to your parents until they see their strengths  Avoid sharing too many of your weaknesses until they see your strengths

Dealing Well with In-laws 6 9. Practice compassion, caring and compromise  Don’t take it personally; blending two families and generations is challenging  Try to see from their perspective  Assume you are insensitive and selfish in your own ways too  Act honorably so you have no regrets later

Tool: Naming Your New Parents 1.Consider what you might be willing to call your parents-in-law 2. Discuss this 3.Later, ask your in- laws what they would prefer, and find a compromise Options:  Use variations of Father and Mother  Use this variation with their first or last names  Use Mr. or Mrs. with their first names  Imitate your spouse’s way  Make up a nickname  Use a word from your or their native language