Escaping Everyday Demands: Becoming Emotionally Present with our Spouse, Kids, and Those We Love Most Dr. Joshua Straub

Made for Relationships  The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul”  Love and Marriage -- Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt.19; I Cor. 7; I Cor. 13; Eph.5:21 ff; I Peter 3:1-10  The Family -- Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; I Tim. 5:8

Attachment Theory  How relationships shape our brains ability to regulate emotion and learn to participate in close, intimate relationships  Emotion regulation is the ability to tolerate and manage strong negative emotions and to experience the wide range of positive emotions as well  Key question: “Is this world I’m living in a safe or dangerous place?

The Role of Experience  Brain wires itself based on experience  Asks several questions:  Is the world a safe place?  Can I count on my caregiver’s to help me in time of need?  Can I get the care I need when I need it?

Secure Base Self-Confidence/Exploration Perceived Threat Felt security Attachment System Signaling Proximity Seeking Safe Haven Caregiver’s Signal detection

Kinds of Memory Implicit Memory— Present at birth Includes behavioral, emotional, perceptual, body Mental models—states become traits Conscious attention not required for encoding No sense of recollection when memories recalled Does not involve hippocampus—mostly amygdala

Kinds of Memory  Explicit Memory  Emerges in second year of life  Sense of recollection when recalled  If autobiographical, sense of self and time present  Includes semantic (factual) and episodic (autobiographical)  Requires conscious attention  Involves hippocampus—converts to context  If autobiographical—involves prefrontal cortex

Secure Base Effects  Repeated secure-base interactions create internalized models of relationships that are carried forward to new relationship experience experiences  What to expect  How to behave

Secure Base Effects  Powerful influence on Neurobiology  Emotion-Regulation and Sensory Integration  Language Development  Executive skills—  Shifting  Monitoring  Labeling  Problem-solving 

The Pyramid Self-Control Self Control Problem Solving Cognitive Flexibility Language Processing/Mindsight Social Skills Emotion Regulation

Core “Relationship” Beliefs Self Other Am I worthy? Am I capable? Are you reliable? Are you accessible? Are you capable? Are you willing?

Measuring Attachment Beliefs SECURE Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy PREOCCUPIED Preoccupied with relationships and abandonment DISMISSING Downplays intimacy, overly self-reliant FEARFUL Fearful of intimacy, socially avoidant OTHER SELF Positive View Low Avoidance Negative View High Avoidance Positive View Low Anxiety Negative View High Anxiety Figure 1.Bartholomew’s model of self and other

Relationship Rules Secure Attachment Self Dimension I’m worthy of love I’m capable of getting the love I need Other Dimension Others are willing and able to love me I can count on you to be there for me Avoidant Attachment Self Dimension I’m worthy of love (false pride) I’m capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery) Other Dimension Others are incompetent Others are untrustworthy Ambivalent Attachment Self Dimension I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed) I’m not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingy Other Dimension Capable but unwilling (bc my flaws) May abandon me (bc my flaws) Disorganized Attachment Self Dimension I’m not worthy of love I’m unable to get the love I need Other Dimension Others are unwilling Others are unable Others are abusive; I deserve it

Attachment and Feelings Secure Attachment  Full range  Good control  Self-soothes  Shares feelings  OK with others’ feelings Avoidant Attachment  Restricted affect  Focus is on control  Uses things to self soothe  Keeps feelings buried  Doesn’t share feelings Ambivalent Attachment  Full range  Poor control  Can’t self soothe  Shares feelings too much  Overwhelmed by others’ feelings Disorganized Attachment  Full range, but few positive feelings  Poor control  Can’t self-soothe  Can’t really share with others  Overwhelmed by others’ feelings  Dissociates

Attachment and Intimacy Secure Attachment  Comfortable with closeness  Shares feelings and dreams  Willing to commit  Balances closeness and distance  Participates in non-sexual touch Avoidant Attachment  Not comfortable with closeness  Withholds feelings and dreams  Difficulty with commitment  Distances Ambivalent Attachment  Desires closeness, but never seems to have enough  Wants to merge with other  Preoccupied with abandonment  Clings and criticizes Disorganized Attachment  Desires closeness, but fears and avoids it  Wants to merge, then wants to distance  Terrified of abandonment  Sabotages closeness  Attracted to people who victimize

Being Mindful  When interacting with another person, you have the ability to monitor how you are feeling and how the other person is feeling  You know what you are trying to accomplish in the interaction  You can monitor how your behavior is affecting the other person  You can see how other person is affecting you

Being Loved & Loving Others  We rely on secure base relationships in marriage  2 roles in attachment relationship:  Secure-base use—(attachment)  Secure base provision—(caregiving )

Being Loved & Loving Others  We love because he first loved us. -1 John 4:19, ESV

 Signals distress  Seeks comfort  Experiences calm  Healthy confidence Secure Base Script Secure Base User

Secure Base Provider  Interest = Availability  Awareness = Sensitivity, Concern  Empathy = Understanding, Comfort  Responsiveness = Care, Helpfulness

Four Basic Phases  Identification  Enhance Motivation and Commitment (Will Set)  Skill Acquisition Phase (Skill Set)  Skill Application and Follow-Through

Phase 1: Identification  Identifying emotional distress--e.g., anxiety, depression, addiction—and linking to interpersonal conflict  Can you see connection between relationship conflict and ongoing symptoms?

Phase 2: Will Set  The price of intimacy  Choosing between 3 options  Giving up intimacy incompatible attitudes and behaviors

The Price of Intimacy Intimacy: Your willingness to endure the negative feelings you will get when you get close to another person. – David Burns

Choosing 1 of 3 Options One: Maintain Status Quo — continue trying to change the other person Two: Leave the relationship Three: Stay, but take 100% responsibility to change the way you deal with conflict

Giving Up Intimacy Incompatible Attitudes Giving Up Blame: Your right to punish another person when they hurt you Giving Up Being Right: Your right to be viewed by the other person as being right