Chapter 12- Close Relationships: Passion, Intimacy, and Sexuality What Is Love? Different Types of Relationships Maintaining Relationships Sexuality This is an overview of the topics of the chapter. Before beginning the chapter there is a slide based on the chapter introduction that can be used to stimulate classroom discussion.

What Is Love? Passionate Love Strong feelings of longing, desire, and excitement toward a special person Accompanied by physiological arousal, we feel for another person; when our love is reciprocated, we feel great fulfillment and ecstasy, but when it is not, we feel sadness and despair. Companionate Love Mutual understanding and caring Feelings of intimacy and affection Do not necessarily experience passion or arousal in his or her presence. Physiological difference Presence of PEA Technology Tip: A recent paper, “The Neural Correlates of Maternal and Romantic Love” is available online (http://www.vislab.ucl.ac.uk/pdf/motherlove.pdf). Technology Tip: Details on specific chemical differences during different stages of love and available online at “Science and Nature: Hot Topics” (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/). Technology Tip: Research evidence may support the belief that passionate love is similar to temporary insanity. See details at “Does Love Drive You Mad?” (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/brain.shtml).

Love and Culture Passionate love as a social construction Romantic love is found in most cultures Forms and expression vary by culture Attitude varies by culture and era

Love Across Time Passionate love is important for starting a relationships Exists for a brief period of time Companionate love is important for making it succeed and survive

Tradeoffs - Sex In and Out of Marriage Married people have sex more often, more satisfying Married people more likely indicate physical or emotional satisfaction from sex Single people spend more time at each sexual episode Single people have more sexual partners

Emotional state with high bodily arousal Intimacy Sternberg’s Triangle Passion Emotional state with high bodily arousal Intimacy Feeling of closeness, mutual understanding and concern Commitment Conscious decision; remains constant Technology Tip: Direct interested students to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Scale online (http://www.geocities.com/kmwahl/Motivation/triangular.html). Discussion Tip: Before presenting Sternberg’s model, ask students to define/describe love in their notebooks. Then present the theory and ask them to reexamine their definitions. Do their definitions focus mostly on passion? Intimacy? Commitment? You may wish to tally the predominant tone of each definition and then discuss the results.

Six styles have been identified: Eros - passionate, physical love Love Styles Six styles have been identified: Eros - passionate, physical love Ludus - love as a game Storge - love that evolves out of friendship Pragma - pragmatic love Mania - emotional, roller-coaster love Agape - self-less love Technology Tip: Direct interested students to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Scale online (http://www.geocities.com/kmwahl/Motivation/triangular.html). Discussion Tip: Before presenting Sternberg’s model, ask students to define/describe love in their notebooks. Then present the theory and ask them to reexamine their definitions. Do their definitions focus mostly on passion? Intimacy? Commitment? You may wish to tally the predominant tone of each definition and then discuss the results.

Different Types of Relationships Exchange relationships More frequent in broader society Increases societal progress and wealth Communal relationships More frequent in close intimate relationships More desirable, healthier, and mature Exchange relationships based on reciprocity and fairness, in which people expect something in return Communal relationships based on mutual love and concern, without expectation or repayment Teaching Tip: In a communal relationship, it may be perceived as strange or offensive if a partner treats it as an exchange relationship. For example, driving someone to the airport may be done without concern for payment. If the other person offers to pay, it could be perceived as a slight, or at least an indication that the person views the relationship differently. Supplemental Lecture: See Roy Baumeister’s own PowerPoint© lecture on Relationships under the “supplemental lecture” menu on your Multimedia Manager Instructor’s Resource CD, or visit the Book Companion Website for a downloadable file.

Influenced by Freudian and learning theory Attachment Bowlby Influenced by Freudian and learning theory Believed childhood attachment predicted adult relationships Shaver Identified attachment styles to describe adult relationships Anxious/Ambivalent – Secure - Avoidant Technology Tip: Phillip Shaver maintains an attachment website with links to articles, surveys, and current projects at the UC Davis Adult Attachment Lab (http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/labs/shaver/).

Attachment Theory Theory developed along two dimensions Anxiety and Avoidance Four attachment styles Secure attachment Dismissing avoidant attachment Fearful avoidant attachment Preoccupied attachment

Low anxiety; low avoidance Positive attitude toward others and self Attachment Styles Secure attachment Low anxiety; low avoidance Positive attitude toward others and self Preoccupied attachment (anxious/ambivalent) Low avoidance; high anxiety Positive attitude toward others; negative attitude toward self Technology Tip: R. Chris Fraley provides an excellent “Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research” online (http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm).

Attachment Styles Dismissing avoidant attachment Low anxiety; High avoidance Negative attitude toward others; positive toward self Fearful avoidant attachment High anxiety; High avoidance Low opinions of self and others

Generally have good sex lives Preoccupied Attachment and Sex Secure Generally have good sex lives Preoccupied May use sex to pull others close to them Avoidant Have a desire for connection May avoid sex, or use it to resist intimacy Supplemental Lecture: See Roy Baumeister’s own PowerPoint© lecture on Sexuality under the “supplemental lecture” menu on your Multimedia Manager Instructor’s Resource CD, or visit the Book Companion Website for a downloadable file.

Self-esteem and Love Popular belief that you need to love yourself before you can love others Not demonstrated in theory or facts Self-esteem Low self-esteem – may feel unlovable High self-esteem – may feel more worthy than present partner

Self-Love and Loving Others Narcissists High self-esteem; strong, unstable self-love Harmful to relationships Less committed to love relationships Self-acceptance More minimal form of self-love Linked to positive interactions

Maintaining Relationships Good relationships tend to stay the same over time Popular myth that they continue to improve Key to maintaining a good relationship is to avoid a downward spiral

Is Bad Stronger Than Good? Good and Bad Relationship Partners Bad interactions are stronger than good Positive interactions must occur at least five times as often as negative Reciprocity of negative behavior Sign of a downward spiral for the relationship Technology Tip: Check out John Gottman’s “Marriage Tips 101” on his website (http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/).

Three factors to explain long-term relationships Satisfaction Investment Model Three factors to explain long-term relationships Satisfaction Alternatives Investments Considered together they predict the likelihood of maintaining the relationship Technology Tip: Students may be interested in taking (or at least seeing items from) Rusbult’s Satisfaction/ Alternatives/ Investments scales, which are available on her web page. (http://www.forgiving.org/Forgiveness_Researchers_2005/Caryl_Rusbult.pdf#search=%22caryl%20rusbult%22 ) Teaching Tip: Given Rusbult’s model, ask students how they might counsel a friend who is in a damaging relationship. What would be most effective for him/her to hear?

Thinking Styles of Couples Difference in terms of attribution Relationship enhancing Good acts - internal; bad - external factors Distress-maintaining style Good acts - external factors; bad - internal Teaching Tip: Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink offers a detailed, yet accessible description of this research (http://www.amazon.com/Blink-Power-Thinking-Without/dp/0316172324/sr=1-1/qid=1165018974/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-0317742-5903166?ie=UTF8&s=books).

Thinking Styles of Couples Optimism in the relationship Happy couples have an idealized version of their relationship Devaluing alternatives People in lasting relationships do not find others appealing Technology Tip: See the 2005 New York Times article “Is Marriage Counseling Effective?” (http://www.psyfin.com/Reader%20service/0505RS.htm)

Being Yourself: Is Honesty the Best Policy? Discrepancy between idealization view and complete honesty People in passionate love often idealize and overestimate their partners Relationships thrive when couples retain their best behavior in front of their partner

Sexuality Humans form relationships based on two separate systems Attachment system Gender neutral Sex drive Focus on opposite sex (procreation) Love comes from attachment drive; independent of gender

Social Constructionist Theories Evolutionary Theory Theories of Sexuality Social Constructionist Theories Evolutionary Theory Gender differences based in reproductive strategies Social Exchange Theory Technology Tip: An “Evolutionary Psychology Primer,” written by pioneers in the field Cosmides and Tooby, is available at UC Santa Barbara’s Center for Evolutionary Psychology (http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/research/cep/primer.html). Technology Tip: Answers to frequently asked questions about evolutionary psychology can be found at UC Santa Barbara’s Center for Evolutionary Psychology (http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/research/cep/index.html). Discussion Tip: After presenting each of the theories of sexuality, ask students to select which theory they believe to be most valid and to spend a few minutes writing about why they think that theory is the best. Then open the floor for discussion.

Men have a stronger sex drive than women Coolidge effect Sex and Gender Men have a stronger sex drive than women Coolidge effect Separating sex and love Men are more likely to seek and enjoy sex without love Women are more likely to enjoy love without sex Coolidge effect the sexually arousing power of a new partner (greater than the appeal of a familiar partner).

Homosexuality Homosexuality challenges theories of sexuality Most cultures condemn homosexuality Natural selection does not support it

Tolerance for extramarital sex is fairly low Extradyadic Sex Most reliable data suggests infidelity is rare in modern Western marriages Tolerance for extramarital sex is fairly low Extramarital sex is a risk factor for break ups Can not demonstrate causality Technology Tip: The full text of Wiederman’s article is available at Look Smart (http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3658/is_200210/ai_n9099823). Teaching Tip: Ask students to estimate the number of men and the number of women who report ever having engaged in extramarital sex. Then report actual results. Students may raise concerns such as reporting bias, which can produce a fruitful discussion.

Women’s infidelity characterized by emotional attachment to lover Reasons for Straying Men desire novelty Sometimes engage in extramarital sex without complaint about their marriage Women’s infidelity characterized by emotional attachment to lover Usually dissatisfied with current partner Technology Tip: David Buss offers an electronic version of his “Susceptibility to Infidelity” measure, along with several other measures, at “Evolutionary Psychology” (http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/HomePage/Group/BussLAB/pdffiles/susceptibility%20to%20infidelity-jrp-1997.pdf).

Jealousy and Possessiveness Cultural theory of jealousy Product of social roles and expectations Sexual jealousy found in every culture Forms, expressions, and rules may vary Society can modify jealousy but can not eliminate it

Jealousy and Possessiveness Evolutionary theory of jealousy Men – ensure they were not supporting someone else’s child Women –if husband becomes emotionally involved with another, may withhold resources Technology Tip: Cosmides and Tooby provide additional information on evolutionary psychology and emotions, including jealousy, at UC Santa Barbara’s Center for Evolutionary Psychology (http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/research/cep/).

Jealousy and Possessiveness Jealousy can focus on either sexual or emotional connections with another Men may focus more strongly on sexual aspects than women Teaching Tip: Pose the question from Buss et al. study (Would it be worse for the person you love to have a one-time sexual encounter with another person without any emotional involvement, or for the person you love to have a lasting, emotionally intimate relationship with member of your gender - but one that did not include sexual intercourse?) to your students, and then tally the results by sex to see if you reproduce Buss et al’s findings. (Majority – 60% - of men objected to sexual infidelity; women objected more to emotional infidelity.

Jealousy is a product of both the person and the situation Causes of Jealousy Jealousy is a product of both the person and the situation Many suspicions of jealously are accurate Paranoid (false) jealousy is fairly rare Technology Tip: The television show Cheaters (cheaters.com) invites suspicious partners to contact the show, when then focuses on surveillance tactics to discover whether the suspect is guilty of infidelity.

Jealousy and Type of Interloper The less of a threat from the other person, the less jealousy Jealousy depends on how their traits compare to the third party Both men and women are more jealous if the third party is a man rather than a woman

Social Reality Social reality Public awareness of some event Important role in jealousy High social reality = High jealousy The more other people know about your partner’s infidelity, the more jealousy

Culture and Female Sexuality All culture regulate sex in some ways Cultural regulation is more directed at women Erotic plasticity Paternity uncertainty

Culture and the Double Standard Supported more by women than men Weaker than usually assumed

What Makes Us Human? Long-term monogamous mating is more common among humans Culture plays a role in monogamy Culture gives permission for divorce Culture influences love and sex Face-to-face position is used by most people