EQuIP for clarity

Hot Air Writing is called Hot Air when you write something that: Does not say anything the reader does not already know Gives no detailed information Just tries to fill lines on the paper

Hot Air Ideas are the main points of writing, but they only make up about 10% of the words. Most of a composition (90%) is examples and illustration – evidence and support for the ideas. You use your experience and knowledge to illustrate your ideas. Let’s call it “pinning it down” – bringing them in touch with reality.

Dracula ’ s (Boring) Diary Dear Diary: I know I have a lot of faults. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes I find myself getting angry about what someone said. Other times, my bad habits cause me troubles. I will have to work extra hard to fix my faults or I will lose the few friends I have. Good night D

What did we learn about old Drac? 1. What are his faults? 2. How many faults does he have? 3. Who did he get angry with? When? 4. What did the person say? 5. Why did this make him mad? 6. What are his bad habits? 7. How do they cause him troubles? 8. What kind of work is he doing to fix his habits? 9. Who are his friends? 10. Why will he lose them? Dear Diary: I know I have a lot of faults. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes I find myself getting angry about what someone said. Other times, my bad habits cause me troubles. I will have to work extra hard to fix my faults or I will lose the few friends I have. Good night D

To add detail ask Wh-questions about what you wrote This gives your writing more information – makes it more interesting Make up answers to the questions – imagine that you are Dracula. Then rewrite Dracula’s diary. Use a diary format, but write all the details you imagined 1. What are his faults? 2. How many faults does he have? 3. Who did he get angry with? When? 4. What did the person say? 5. Why did this make him mad? 6. What are his bad habits? 7. How do they cause him troubles? 8. What kind of work is he doing to fix his habits? 9. Who are his friends? 10. Why will he lose them?

Dracula ’ s (Informative) Diary Dear Diary: I have many faults, but the worst one is I like to bite people and drink their blood. Last week, my cousin, Frankenstein, found out about my habit. He called me a bloodsucker. I got so mad! I said, “ I may drink blood, but at least I have a brain! ” We started fighting and didn ’ t stop until sunrise. I also have another bad habit. I like to stay out late at night. I never get home until just before the sun rises in the morning. I like the dark hours of the night best: between 1 and 4 am. I never get more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep each night. One time I had to go to school in the morning for an exam and I was too sleepy because I had been out all night at an all-you-can-eat blood bath. I failed the test. I am trying to stop drinking blood and to eat ketchup instead; but it hasn ’ t worked well. I miss the taste of blood. But these days, only that Devil, Bahk-Halberg, will talk to me. If I eat him, I will have no friends left. So, I have to fix this habit. Good Night, D

More Hot Air Student: Parents love us. Teacher: How do you know they love us? Student: They do things for us. Teacher: What do they do? Student: They love us. This kind of reasoning is too common in student writing. It is called circularity It makes your reader go … UGH! It does not tell your reader anything – it is HOT AIR

Eliminate Hot Air You need to make your essay clear Give it EQUIPment: E: Examples Qu: Quotations I: Illustrations P: Particulars

Examples Examples are typical cases of something. Using examples helps you explain what you mean Soccer is an example of a sport Teamwork is an example of something you learn from sports. Passing the ball to your teammate is an example of teamwork A back pass is an example of passing the ball

Quotations Quotations add conviction and interest to writing. They need not be from a famous person Read this When I was in high school, people always told me to study, only study, to get into university.

Quotations Now read this Whenever I turn on the computer, mom says, “Are you playing games?” and then she comes over to check that I am doing homework. One time, she caught me playing Warcraft: “Will that help you get into a good university?” she shrieked. “You are wasting your time on that nonsense while your friends are studying, and getting ahead of you – why do I waste my money on you? Turn off the computer, and get to work! You can play after the soo-neung, not before!” Which version is more interesting? Which version is more memorable?

Illustrations Read this: I have a lot of bad habits. Now read this: Of my bad habits, the worst is my slow starting. When I was doing an important research project, the deadline was four months away, I went on a month-long trip to the U.S. When I got back, I relaxed for another month, and didn ’ t actually begin to get data until six weeks before the deadline. I had to go crazy, cancel all other appointments, skip meals and sleep two or three hours a night until it was done. I promised myself I would never do that again, but you know what – the next time I had to do a report, I put it off again. The second one is a little story that shows the writer’s bad habits. A little story is called an illustration. More Interesting? More Memorable?

Particulars These are details that add more effect to your writing. Read this: I get stress from my mother. Compare to this one: The hair on the back of my neck stands up, my heart tightens and my muscles get stiff when I hear my mom say, “ Did you finish your homework? ” The second version seems more alive – we can imagine it easily thanks to details of what happens when she gets stressed – this is far better than just saying she gets stressed. Make it interesting! Make it stick to your reader’s mind.

Particulars Details are also very effective for providing proof. IDEA: The restaurant was not very clean. “ OK, if you say so, but how do I know that’s true?” IDEA PLUS EXAMPLES: The restaurant was not very clean. The glasses had watermarks on them and on my knife there was something that looked like dried blood but was probably old tomato sauce. “ I believe you! It sounds awful!”

Exercises A 1. Give an example of each of the following: 1. Something your parents taught you 2. Something you must learn to be successful 2. Give a quotation for each of these: 1. Something your mom says when you are lazy 2. Something your friend said when you were sad 3. Write an illustration of this: 1. Trying to tell someone an important message and it gets mixed up 4. Give details for each of these: 1. Transportation in the city 2. Shops in the city

Exercises B Here is a paragraph that is boring. Revise it with examples, quotations, illustrations or particular details (EQuIP) to make it more interesting and informative Teachers We meet a lot of teachers in our life. Some are good and some are bad. One teacher I really liked. He taught us well and helped us learn other things too. I am glad he was my teacher. Your final version should be about 150 words…