Practical & Tactical Strategies for the Family Law Professional from a Coaching & Mediation Perspective EMOTIONALLY INTENSE RELATIONSHIPS OC Mediation Odyssey 2010 Garden Grove, CA March 19, 2010

How to Work with High Conflict Personalities Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #23250 Credentialed Mediator Certified Conflict Coach & High Conflict Diversion Trainer Certified New Ways for Families Therapist & Mediator Member, San Diego Superior Court Mediation Panel

Breaking that down… 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey

Personality disorders have substantial consequences for the probability and timing of marriage and probability of marital disruption. Understanding Personality Disorders & the HCP Whisman, M. A., Tolejko, N., & Chatav, Y. Social consequences of personality disorders: Probability and timing of marriage and probability of marital disruption

KEY FINDINGS Damage to the brain during childhood due to repeated exposure to abuse Corpus Callosum Wiring between Right & Left Hemispheres Amydala Alarm Center, particularly to non-verbal behaviors Frontal Lobe Cognitive Reasoning Stuck in the upset emotions of the right hemisphere Unable to access the left hemisphere for problem solving to resolve negative emotions Distorted perceptions & expectations The “issue” is not the issue! 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey

The Difference for HCPs The ability to regulate, self-direct and engage in self-awareness is impaired HCPs are literally unable to solve problems as other typically would Chronic, public and intense, facial expressions of fear and anger are readily observable 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey

DSM-IV-TR 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey Ten Personality Disorders categorized in Four Clusters Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events

Allow the Nervous System to Settle Down De-escalate Tone of Voice Plan ahead Empathize, don’t argue Acknowledge fears Demonstrate respect Time-outs 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey

3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey Co-ParentingParallel Parenting  Child focused.  Adult focused.  Parents communicate regularly.  Parents communicate over emergencies.  Parents can communicate in person or over the phone.  Parents use , text messaging, or a third party (attorney, mediator or mutually agreed person).  Major decisions about the child are discussed jointly.  Major decisions are “communicated” rather than discussed.  Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child.  Households are separate. Each makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.  Parents work together in the best interest of the child.  Parents work separately for the best interests of the child.  Allows smooth transitions from one home to the other.  Culture changes for the child may be abrupt. Use the “transition tradition” to lower the abruptness.  Allows for schedule change – can be flexible and negotiable.  Written parenting plan or court decree is followed exactly. Parents need an external authority.  Parents may be able to discuss issues between other parent and child.  Each parent is responsible for own relationship with child. “I am sorry, this is Mom’s/Dad’s House, we have different rules”.

Establishing Boundaries 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey HCPs and Boundaries – Push-back (spike in conflict) Strategies – Reducing Contact The role of the nervous system in continuing conflict Stress reduction Disengagement – No face-to –face communication – No verbal contact » Nervous System Cycle (72 hrs)

Establishing Boundaries 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey Need for Iron-clad parenting plans Neutral Exchanges Fewer Exchanges (age appropriate) Fewer parent initiated phone calls Clear

SUMMARY OF HCP SKILLS Connect: Listen closely and respond with Empathy, Attention & Respect Analyze: Get the Client to make a list of problems/optioins and choose a task Respond: Be brief, informative, friendly and firm Set Limits: Don’t make it personal. Help client deal with policies and procedures. Use indirect confrontations. 3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey

3/19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey Mediation Coaching Telephonic In-person Workshops On-line In-person

Debra Dupree Your Presenter relationshipsthatmatter.com DEBRA DUPREE, founder of RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER, also established Vitali WORCS - Workplace Solutions in 1986, demonstrating early leadership in the application of conflict resolution strategies to workplace issues. RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTERVitali WORCS - Workplace Solutions Debra thrives as a catalyst for communication, leadership, and problem- solving. She actively demonstrates collaboration through her work with numerous organizations. She demonstrates over 25 years of proven leadership and success in family therapy, employee relations, team building, leadership development and organizational change. She is a Certified Master Trainer for the Conflict Dynamics Profile and EDGE Systems certified leadership coach as well as a Certified Conflict Coach, Authorized New Ways for Families Therapist & Mediator, and High Conflict Diversion Program Workshop Leader & Trainer Debra possesses a Master's degree in Education - Counseling Psychology, University of California, Santa Barbara and Pre-doctoral training in Organizational Development & Disability Management, San Diego State University. She is licensed as a Marriage & Family Therapist. Debra's commitment focuses on relationships in all walks of life...the workplace, families and divorce, and business partnerships...seeking healthy alternatives to breakdowns in communication.

RESOURCES It’s All Your Fault, SPLITTING, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Mom’s House / Dad’s House By, Isolina Ricce, Ph.D. New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn Kvols Raising Self-reliant children in a Self-indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson /19/2010 OC Mediation Odyssey