NATURAL HISTORY OF RELATIONSHIPS Communication as a developmental continuum

INITIAL ATTRACTION Stage 1: INITIAL ATTRACTION STEP 1: Becoming aware of the other –Is X attractive? –Attend to the novel/unusual –See physical attributes –Drawn to the non- threatening –See behavior next –Draw Inferences about person

STEP 2: Deciding to Talk Will they find me attractive STEP 3: Exit or continue Search for similarities STEP 4: Make Behavior pleasing to partner –Buoy up the other’s Self-esteem compliment them, attend to them –Render them favors showing your desirability or power –Agree with others –Ascribe positive characteristics to self either directly or indirectly –But, might have to live up to “false” information later

GROWTH STAGE Stage 2: GROWTH STAGE STEP 1: Commitment to future interaction –Increase proximity =s increased commitment/talk/positive feelings STEP 2: A Reciprocity norm –Tit for Tat initially –Time for repayment increases over time STEP 3: Turning points –Greater interaction =s escalators –Decreased interaction =s de-escalators –Accept or reject escalation

Acceptance of escalator has two consequences –Differentiation - other social group begin to see you as a couple - External result –Identification - you identify yourself as a couple - internal result

MAINTAINING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP Stage 3: MAINTAINING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP STEP 1: Constraining relational tensions –Competing demands and simultaneous competing tensions affect communication patterns

Tensions OPENNESS VS PROTECTION –Want to protect our own and their vulnerability, yet want self disclosure that sustains relationship HONEST VS VALIDATION –To be honest or to support the other person

AUTONOMY VS INTERDEPENDENCE –The need to be together & need to be apart PUBLIC VS PRIVATE FACE OF A RELATIONSHIP –Pressures to maintain dichotomies of expectations

Predictability vs. Novelty We want to be able to predict out partner’s ways, yet also want “new experiences.” Passion vs. Stability Seek passion in a relationship, but stability keeps it from burning out as well

STEP 2: Rejuvenating a relationship –Being too certain, non-spontaneous, feel need to spice it up –Rejuvenation strategies  Threats: get excited or get a divorce  Use outside events to pep it up

RELATIONAL DECAY Stage 4: RELATIONAL DECAY STEP 1: Intra- psychic stage –Person grapples privately with dissatisfaction –Reach threshold, “I can’t stand this anymore” –Breakup starts with negative, evaluative focus on partner Based on Steve Duck’s work

STEP 2: Dyadic Phase –Begin to talk only when relationship is in trouble-- communication phase –Talk assess joint costs of withdrawal and decreased intimacy--negotiate dissolution –Protracted when negotiation done via avoidance

STEP 3: Social Phase –Public presentation of dissolution to friends/social groups –Tell your story/Gossip in Social networks –Not gossip about relational distress, outside your group; about kin to non- kin; not become too moral/slanderous; be selective –Men offer Sociological reason - “Her friends drive me nuts” –Women offer Interpersonal reasons - “He was oblivious to anything I did”

STEP 4: Grave Dressing Phase Retrospection about final Attributions - market your account Go back to one another and endlessly go over it Narratives important: to develop understanding rehearse with persons also dissolving to re-establish own identification e.g., “I married the wrong person”