COMMUNICATION BLOCKS IN EVERYDAY LIVING PRESENTED BY HASSER GRAHAM & STEVEN KIELY Based on the book People Skills by Robert Bolton PhD.

Without realising it, people typically inject communication barriers into their conversations. Up to 90% of the time Likely to be destructive when one or more person’s who are interacting are under stress

Communication blocks can cause: Diminished self-esteem Trigger defensiveness Resistance and resentment Withdrawal Feelings of defeat Inadequacy Reduce the likelihood that the other will express their true feelings

COMMON COMMUNICATION SPOILERS 1.Criticizing 2.Name-calling 3.Diagnosing 4.Praising Evaluatively 5.Ordering 6.Threatening 7.Moralizing 8.Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning 9.Advising 10.Diverting 11.Logical Argument 12.Reassuring

CRITICIZING Making a negative evaluation of the other person, his/her actions, or attitudes. “You brought it on yourself-you’ve got nobody else to blame for the mess you are in” Many of us feel we need to be critical or other people will never improve.

NAME-CALLING Putting down or stereotyping the other person. Prevents us from getting to know individuals “What a dope” “Just like a women” “Egghead bully” Insensitive male

DIAGNOSING Analysing why a person is behaving the way they are; playing amateur psychiatrist. Communication tends to be thwarted when one person informs another of their condition “I can read you like a book –you are just doing that to irritate me”. “Just because you went to college you think you are better than me”

PRAISING EVALUATIVELY Making a positive judgment of the other person, his/her actions, or attitudes. “You are always such a good girl”.”You are a great poet” People defend themselves against praise as though they were protecting themselves against a threat if the praise is not deserved.

ORDERING Commanding the other person to do what you want to have done. “Because I said so” When coercion is used, people often become resistant and resentful. Sabotage may result.

THREATENING Trying to control the other’s actions by warning of negative consequences that you will instigate. “Do It Now or forget about Tv or Dinner” Threats do not normally result in positive long-term behavioural change.

MORALIZING Telling another person what they should do. “Preaching” at the other. “You shouldn’t get a divorce think of what will happen to the children” Many people love to put a halo around their solutions for others. They will also do it with authority, whether it be moral, social, or theological authority.

EXCESSIVE INAPPROPRIATE QUESTIONING Closed-ended questions are often barriers in a relationship; these are those that can usually be answered in a few words-often with a simple yes or no.

ADVISING Giving the other person a solution to their problems. A basic insult to the intelligence of another person. Usually what problems a person discloses is usually only the tip of the iceberg. “Why don’t you just tell them no” “Break up with him them” Unaware of the complexities, feelings, and other factors that lie beneath the surface

DIVERTING Pushing the other’s problem aside through distraction. For example; “This subject is depressing, let’s talk about something a little more upbeat.” Sometimes people divert a conversation because they lack the awareness and skills to listen effectively or because the topic of conversation is emotionally uncomfortable.

LOGICAL ARGUMENT Attempting to convince the other with an appeal to facts or logic, usually without consideration of the emotional factors involved. When a person is under stress, providing logical solutions can be infuriating. Though it may seem that those are the very times when people most need logic, it nevertheless has a high risk of alienating the other person. “Look it’s only three days left the times you see him are only one what’s the problem” Logic avoids a person’s feelings, which are usually the main problem when a person has a problem.

Trying to stop the other person from feeling the negative emotions he/she is experiencing. A person’s ingrained opinion of him/herself resists direct attempts at alteration. “It will be all right” Reassurance is often used by people who like the idea of being helpful but who do not want to experience the emotional demand that goes with it.

We all use roadblocks sometimes. Their occasional usage rarely does much harm to a relationship. When employed frequently, however, there is a high probability that roadblocks will do considerable harm. How do we correct these behaviours???

LISTENING SKILLS One friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen to us as we consider our problems, can change our whole outlook on the world. - Dr. Elton Mayo

Listening takes up more of your waking hours than any other activity. A study of persons from various occupational backgrounds showed that 70 percent of their waking moments were spent in communication. And of that time, writing took 9%, reading absorbed 16%, talking accounted for 30%, and listening occupied 45%. It is important to listen because of the sheer amount of it that you do each day.

The quality of your relationships with people hinge, in large measure, on your ability to listen. Research suggests that that we tend to forget from one-half to one-third within eight hours.

Listening Skill Clusters SKILL CLUSTERS Attending skills Following Skills Reflecting Skills SPECIFIC SKILLS A posture of involvement Appropriate body motion Eye contact Non-distracting environment Door openers Minimal encourages Infrequent questions Attentive silence Paraphrasing Reflecting feelings Reflecting meanings (Typing feelings to content) Summative reflections

Attending is giving your physical attention to another person. Attending skills include a posture of involvement, appropriate body motion, eye contact, and a non-distracting environment.

A Posture of Involvement Inclining one’s body toward the speaker Facing the other squarely Maintaining an open position Positioning yourself at an appropriate distance from the speaker Appropriate Body Motion The avoidance of distracting motions and gestures Eye Contact Non-distracting Environment Removing sizeable barriers fosters better communication Psychological Attention Without psychological presence, no attending technique will work. The listener will detect someone who is faking it.

Following Skills – one of the primary tasks of the listener is to stay out of the other’s way so the listener can discover how the speaker views his/her situation.

Door Openers A description of the other person’s body language An invitation to talk or to continue talking Silence Attending Minimal Encourages e.g. I see, right, go on, mm-hmm. Infrequent Questions Open rather than closed questions Attentive Silence Attends, observes, thinks about what the other is communicating

In a reflective response, the listener relates the feeling and/or content of what the speaker has communicated and does so in a way that demonstrates understanding and acceptance.

Paraphrasing Concise response to the speaker which states the essence of the other’s content in the listener’s own words. Reflecting Feelings Focus on the feeling words Note the general content of the message Observe the body language Ask yourself, “If I were having that experience, what would I be feeling?” Reflecting Meanings Summative Reflections -Gather together points that the speaker brought up -Select relevant data – that which will help the speaker more clearly understand elements of his/her situation.

The good listener responds reflectively to what the speaker is saying. He/she restates in her own words, the feeling and/or content that is being expressed – and in doing so communicates understanding and acceptance.

Role-Playing