Interpersonal Communication Faculty of Letters Maranatha Christian University

Kinds of COMMUNICATION: 1.INTRAPERSONAL Communication: = Communication with ourselves 2. INTERPERSONAL Communication: = Communication with other people 3. MASS MEDIA Communication: = Communication through mass media

Levels of communicating skill: high self-esteem I positive self-image I confidence in relating with others I ability to converse with others I using word power in business/personal relationship I public speaking speeches and presentation

Interpersonal Communication involves: SENDER RECEIVER

Problems often occur in: INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION Why?

Fact: People have different interpretation in looking at something due to differences in VALUES

Case-2 & 3 :  Kissing 3 times by the Dutch people  Way of eating in Sundanese’ and Batak’s culture v.s.

GENDER Men & Women look at things differently

HIS values : Power, Competency, Efficiency, Achievement HER values: Love, Communication, Beauty, Relationship “A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve result” “A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings & the quality of her relationship”

Case-1 (bad communication): Problem: Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. They were lost. Mary said “Let’s find some help, we’re lost! Tom became very silent They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening. Mary had no idea why he was so upset.

Mary thought (in her confusion): “Was I saying something wrong? “I love and care about him, so I was offering him help.” Tom thought (in his being indignant): When Mary suggested for a help, my ears heard: “I don’t trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!” Tom’s value: accomplish goal without help Mary’s value: showing love and care

Solution: understanding the others’ values For Mary: not giving assertive advice (honoring him by assuming he can solve his problem) = In Tom’s & Mary’s case (according to John Gray): For Tom: understanding Mary’s value of ‘showing love & care’ & not being angry with her suggestion for help

Exercise: - Think about a case in your life when you meet people with different VALUES & how you deal with it (positively / negatively). Share the experiences with your friends

Communication skills consisted of:  SPEAKING: Aggressive speaking Nonassertive speaking Passive-aggressive speaking Assertive Speaking  LISTENING (a good way to understand the others’ values) Passive Listening Selective Listening Attentive Listening Active Listening

The no. 1 conversational MISTAKE often done by people is: NOT LISTENING Hearing  Listening

HEARING = - know that a sound is being made, using your ears LISTENING = - paying attention to what people are saying - usually written in progressive form e.g.: Mirna cannot hear the phone ringing because she is listening to music

LISTENING including paying attention to three components: - WORDS : the verbal component of the message; that is, “what the speaker is saying” - TONE OF VOICE: the flavor that comes from the speaker’s voice that impacts how the words are being said - BODY LANGUAGE: a nonverbal component that describes “how the speaker’s message is being conveyed” (incl: gestures, eye contact, facial expressions & postures) Note: How the message is said through body language & tone of voice (NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION) often provides more IMPACT than verbal message.

Case-4: 1. Say the following sentence with a smile on your face: YOU’RE A REALLY GOOD FRIEND 2. Repeat the same sentence with a frown on your face 3. Say the following sentence in a calm and sincere tone: “You’re a really good friend.” 4. Now repeat the same sentence with a sarcastic tone in your voice

TIPS to GOOD LISTENING 1. Study Eye Contact 2. Sincere facial expressions: a smile when the message is upbeat, a look of concern when the message sounds serious, or a patient look when the speaker is contemplating his / her thought 3. Open, receptive body language 4. Encouraging, nonjudgmental tones 5. CONCENTRATION (= giving full attention to the matter at hand & of being truly present in the conversation)

Case –5: A FUN ACTIVITY of LISTENING Need 2 persons to do this

ACTIVE LISTENING : -You-focused (not me-focused) : maintain the focus on the speaker and his/her message, not on themselves - Drawing out, reflecting back on the message: active listeners help the speaker to get his / her facts and feelings across & reflect back the listener’s understanding of the message - Receive and stay nonjudgmental: active listeners stay neutral and respectful - Less said: Active listeners talk, but they usually say much less than speakers (only say a few words or a sentence or two)

The top ten conversational mistakes Not listening Negative statement Failing to respond Interrupting Arrogant assertion Straying from the point Arguing “Bearer of gloom” Criticising/complaining about others talking about yourself

Common characteristics in People’s Behaviour : Early childhood influences tend to influence adult behaviour We can’t help the way we feel but we can help the way we react We are all more interested in ourselves than anything else We communicate as much through our bodies as through words

Satisfy the other person’s need for self-esteem and he or she becomes more friendly and approachable Help others like themselves better and we will find them easier to get along with We often blame other people for what we do not like in ourselves Labels that people attach to us limit our freedom and our potential for achievement

When we remind ourselves that other people are important, our attitude will communicate itself to other people Our own attitudes are reflected back to us from other people Act enthusiastically and we arouse the enthusiasm of others, act confidently and others will have confidence in us Other people tend to accept us at our own evaluation We need to realize that other people are different and that this is reasonable and logical

TIP : Treat a conversation like a TENNIS MATCH: - the other person serves, you return the ball and vice versa Remember ! - EVERYONE WANTS TO BE LIKED BY OTHER PEOPLE - HUMANS ARE ALL INNATELY SELFISH (who will you see in a picture containing some people, incl. you?)