When Jackie Chan Met Hawkeye Pierce ~~~~~ Conflict and Collaboration in Ministry

Staff Problem areas –Lack of vision/different vision –Unclear, inaccurate and multiple expectations –Ownership/turf issues –Validation (what I do matters) –Understaffed –Confidentiality

Strategies Some Strategies for dealing with conflict 1. Clarifying expectations (Covey- delegation) 2. Diagnostic tools 3. Judo listening

Outline 1. Introduction 2. What is conflict? 3. 5 Ways People Deal with Conflict 4. Hawkeye Pierce: Diagnostic Skills 5. Jackie Chan: Judo Listening 6. Comments 7. Questions & Answers

First word you think of? Conflict?

Conflict (Dictionary.com) 1. to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash 2. to fight or contend; do battle.

a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife. controversy; quarrel. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles. a striking together; collision.

“Where two or three are gathered, there will be conflict in their midst.”

Luke 12: Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter- in-law against her mother-in- law."

PROGRESSION CONCERN CONFLICT CRISIS CATASTROPHE RESOLVED! The longer you wait, The worse it gets. The longer you wait, The harder it is to resolve it. The longer you wait, The more difficult it is to go back to what it was before.

5 Conflict Management Styles

Conflict Management Style #1 THE TURTLE Key Characteristic: DENIAL Key Response: AVOID Key Aim: TO WEATHER THE STORM Favorite Statement: What conflict?

Conflict Management Style #1 THE TURTLE Refuses to even consider the fact that a conflict exists and would prefer that others do the same. Because of this, he refuses to dialogue and gather information to fix it. Key Strategies: Flee, avoid, deny, ignore, withdraw, delay, hope & pray Leadership Qualities: Passive & timid, tends to spiritualize everything

Conflict Management Style #2 THE SHARK Key Characteristic: COMPETITION Key Response: FORCE Key Aim: TO WIN AT ALL COST Favorite Statement: It’s my way or no way.

Conflict Management Style #2 THE SHARK Impatient with dialogue and information gathering and would rather everyone just submits. Key Strategies: Compete, coerce, control, fight, outwit, outdo Leadership Qualities: Authoritarian, seeks to maintain the status quo, feels threatened by any act of defiance and so will quash it all the time

Conflict Management Style #3 THE TEDDY BEAR Key Characteristic: GIVE IN Key Response: ACCOMODATE Key Aim: TO KEEP THE PEACE Favorite Statement: Whatever you say.

Conflict Management Style #3 THE TEDDY BEAR Interested in other’s approval and would rather others insist on their way. Key Strategies: Agree, give in, appease, flatter Leadership Qualities: Ineffective in any group discussion because he doesn’t have a solid opinion, could be easily swayed either way

Conflict Management Style #4 THE FOX Key Characteristic: TOLERATE Key Response: COMPROMISE Key Aim: GIVE EACH ONE A MEASURE OF VICTORY Favorite Statement: Meet me half way.

Conflict Management Style #4 THE FOX Tolerates the exchange of ideas but finds this uncomfortable so he would rather bargain quickly. Key Strategies: Reduce the expectations and Split the difference Leadership Qualities: Good negotiator, cautious but open, urges everyone to speak out but not too much

Conflict Management Style #5 THE OWL Key Characteristic: COOPERATION Key Response: DIALOGUE Key Aim: COLLABORATION BETWEEN ALL PARTIES Favorite Statement: My preference is…But what is yours?

Conflict Management Style #5 THE OWL Focuses heavily on information gathering and always prefers collaboration over compromise. Key Strategies: Gather information, dialogue openly, explore alternatives Leadership Qualities: Focuses on the process, open to change & growth

TEDDY BEAR : Lose-Win Values relationships Over goal SHARK : Win-Lose Values goal over relationships OWL : Win-Win Values both goal & relationship TURTLE : Lose-Lose Low concern for either goal or relationship FOX : Win some-Lose some Values both but is willing to sacrifice certain aspects of either under certain circumstances High Concern for Personal Goals Low Concern for Personal Goals High Concern For Rela- tionships Low Concern For Rela- tionships

Poll: Which “animal” are you?

Two skills: Diagnosing & Judo listening

Diagnosing to “vent”? to share (or receive) information? to look for affirmation or encouragement? for advice to solve the issue? for action/decision on your part to solve the problem?

Then 2 sets of 2 Emotion/Content Structure/Behavior

From Harvard to Cajun

From complaint to commitment

FOCUS ON VALUES

General comments on conflict

Clarify your motives …for wanting to discuss the situation + to deal with your own feelings + to deal with the issues at hand + the current and future state of the relationship

Time and place matter No distractions or interruptions

Focus Process is important. Begin by agreeing on format of discussing situation rather than “jumping in” right away.

See anew (re-spect) Try to see the other in a “whole” way—in a positive light, beyond the situation at hand

Remember …most situations are comprised of emotions and content (issues). Don’t neglect or underestimate feelings—yours or the other person’s.

Simplify Deal with one issue at a time..refrain from bringing in “past garbage.” When possible, break down issues into smaller parts. Start with issues you feel can be most easily resolved.

Charitable Assume the best motives. Give the benefit of a doubt.

Questions and Answers

Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their moccasins. That way, if they get mad, they're a mile away and barefoot.