Becoming Conflict Competent MN OD Network October 4, 2012 Curt Micka and Stephanie McGovern Copyright 2012, High Performance Systems, Inc and Conflict Management Services, LLC

Session Goal Increase your ability to resolve conflict successfully when you are personally involved.

Why do we care? Sometimes “Minnesota Nice” isn’t so nice. Resolution to organizational, national and global problems depends on our ability to manage conflict. Working through conflict is at the heart of any lasting relationship.

Assumptions 1.Managing your own conflict well helps you be more effective in helping others. 2.Change comes from changing ourselves. 3.Conflict often has an emotional component. 4.Conflict competence is about creating more awareness and choice in the moment.

Agenda Three Parts: 1.Identifying what the conflict is about (really) 2.Managing ourselves; creating self awareness 3.Making conscious choices

Conflict Defined Conflict is any situation where people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings. Runde and Flanagan, 2007

What is the Conflict about? (really)

3 Levels of Conversations Level 1 - What happened? Level 2 - What feelings are present? Level 3 - How does it affect my sense of worth and identity? (From Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen)

Exercise Think of a conflict – Discuss in pairs 1.What conversation(s) did you have? 2.What conversation(s) didn’t you have? 3.What conversation(s) would help you move toward resolution of the conflict?

Five Levels of Conflict Runde and Flanagan, Difference 2.Misunderstanding 3.Disagreement 4.Discord 5.Polarization

The conflict will never be resolved until the emotional conversation is addressed.

Hot Buttons A Hot Button is something that elicits a strong emotional response or reaction. Think of facilitating a group session or meeting. What could someone say that would trigger a hot button?

CDP: Hot Buttons Unreliable Overly analytical Unappreciative Aloof Micro-managing Self-centered Abrasive Untrustworthy Hostile

Hot Buttons Exercise 1.Find a partner 2.Talk for 3 minutes about one of your hot buttons. Discuss why it bothers you. Get in to it! 3.Discuss what happens when you get triggered. How do you feel physically, emotionally, mentally? 4. Reverse the process

Group Discussion What triggers you? What happens physically, emotionally and mentally when conflict is triggered?

Strategies for Managing Hot Buttons 1.Center and breathe 2.Take a break – this is different than avoiding. 3.Notice your “Story” – is it helpful or destructive? 4.Remember – you are responsible for how you feel 5.Create an new habitual response – one you can draw on in the heat of the moment 6.Change your physical posture

Making Conscious Choices Foundation of emotional intelligence is self-awareness and self management Easier said than done!

Conscious Choice Once we have been triggered – we have a choice - even though it may not feel like we do. Do we take the high road? Or Do we take the low road?

Conflict Response Categories Perspective Taking Creating Solutions Expressing Emotions Reaching Out Winning at All Costs Displaying Anger Demeaning Others Retaliating Reflective Thinking Delay Responding Adapting Avoiding Yielding Hiding Emotions Self Criticizing ConstructiveDestructive Active Passive

Exercise 1.Pick one constructive behavior you would like to increase. 2.Pick one destructive behavior you would like to decrease. 3.Discuss with a partner ways to practice in these areas.

Keys to Success How would you summarize keys to success?

Quote The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. Carl Gustav JungCarl Gustav Jung ( ) Swiss psychologist and psychiatrist.

For More Information Curt Micka, J.D. Conflict Management Services, LLC Stephanie McGovern, MAIR High Performance Systems, Inc. (612)

Additional Resources Becoming Conflict Competent, by Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate by Roger Fischer and Daniel Shapiro Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate, by Roger Fischer and Daniel Shapiro The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace, by John Paul Lederach. Hargrove,