The Dating Game − Helping Your Daughter Survive Winning Choices 2004 State of Maryland Governor’s Office for Children, Youth and Families October 30, 2004 Mary Lee O’Connell, C.R.N.P.

Why we have a problem! TV convinces kids they should be dating TV gives inappropriate expectations of how to deal with adult relationships Music videos and advertisements add pressure Schools & parents contribute when they push kids into relationships

Dating Myths Early dating is just a stage. Kids are too young to get serious. Kids need to have interactions with opposite sex friends to develop social skills. Sixth grade dances are “cute.” In fact, most kids say the dances make them feel nervous.

Purpose of Dating Give kids a chance to try out new more adult roles as they become more independent. Explore romantic feelings and develop interpersonal skills necessary for success in later long-term relationships (**communication skills)

How kids develop self identity, self-esteem, values and beliefs K-5 choose friends in the same neighborhood or same sports & activities. Age 10 − ready to choose same-sex friends who have the same values, interests and beliefs. Develop skills for later dating relationships. − how to share emotions & how to give and take without social or sexual pressure.

Early opposite sex relationships Too much time with opposite sex relationships prevents kids from learning how to give and take without social & sexual pressure. Dating is developmentally inappropriate for kids ages Dating is the # 2 Behavioral Risk Factor for sexual activity. (#1 risk is alcohol use)

THE Dating Game − Questions for Parents Your 6 th grade child, gets a phone call from 7 th grade Tiffany. He tells you that she asked him to “go with her.” You …… Your 14 year old teen wants to be alone with girlfriend/boyfriend. You…. Your child is now 37 years old and you are ready for one-to-one dating. You want to set up family guidelines. You discuss…

How Parents Can HELP Be a strong pillar to stand behind when they face difficult decisions. Share the reasons to delay dating. “Safety Rules” for home & friends’ homes. Most sexual experiences that go too far occur in the students’ home, after school. Make firm, clear rules about dating and stick to them.

Define Dating 1. Does it mean seeing each other on weekends or after school? 2. Do they go to movies, video arcades or skating rinks? 3. Do they go alone, in groups or with couples?

House Rules I : No couple dating until 16 years old Date should be no more than two years older than your child. Reasonable curfews allowing for a later evening for a special occasion Wait up or require child to wake you when they get home. Do a “sniff test.”

House Rules II : Never attend unchaperoned parties Need name of host parents, address and phone number Call ahead to verify the occasion, supervision and alcohol/drug policy. (Can use the call to ask if you help by bringing something.)

Encourage Group Activities Go to an amusement park or sporting event Plan supervised social gatherings Community service projects Amateur theater or musical productions Church ministries Special-interest clubs

What to know before dating: Good communication with date – likes, dislikes, principals, values Recognize which areas are negotiable and which are not (physical safety, the extent, if any, of physical intimacy, and issues involving drugs and alcohol).

Make decisions in advance: Where you are going? Who are you going with? What are you going to do? Who’s going to pay? Who is going to drive? Who else will be there?

Adapted from: Parent to Parent: Raising Kids in Washington (ISBN ) The Parents’ Council of Washington 7303 River Road, Bethesda, MD 20817

12 Myths about SEX 1. Everyone is doing “It.” 2. Sex just happens. 3. If you love each other, it’s OK to have sex. 4. Oral sex isn’t “sex.” 5. Sexual urges control you 6. You can go “crazy” if you don’t have sex. 7. You have to have sex, so it’s OK to pressure others.

12 Myths about SEX 8. If a girl “turns a guy on,” she has to relieve him. 9. If you say “no” to heterosexual sex, you must be a “queer.” 10. Guys/girls who don’t have sex, think they are “superior.” (makes peers feel judged) 11. Once you do “It,” you can’t STOP. 12. If your parents find out, they will kill you.

Stages of Intimacy glance ► attraction ► electricity games ► flirting meet ► phone  brush ► electricity first touch ► hold hands  hug ► peck ► kiss longer kiss ► tongue kiss  petting above  ► petting below ? oral sex ? vaginal intercourse

“Am I a virgin?” The American Heritage Dictionary 1. Of, relating to, or being a virgin; chaste 2. Being in a pure or natural state; unsullied: virgin snow 3. Unused, uncultivated, or unexplored: virgin territory 4. Existing in native or raw form; not processed or refined 5. Happening for the first time; initial

Values & Decisions about Sex Parental/moral factors are more important than friends, the media, teachers and sex educators. 53% of teens (age 12-19) say parents or their own morals, values and religious beliefs influence decisions about sex. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (2001, 2002). With One Voice: American Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy. Washington, DC