Conflict

“Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.”

Conflicts can be Functional or Dysfunctional Integration (acknowledgment/ respect) Respect/Choice De-escalation Focusing Positive results Polarization Coercion Escalation Drifting (kitchen-sinking) Negative results

Individual Conflict Styles (Wilmot & Hocker, 1998)

CompetitionCollaboration Compromise AvoidanceAccommodation Concern for Other Concern for Self Low cooperation High cooperation Low aggression/ energy High aggression/ energy

Avoidance Advantages –Allows time to think –Useful if issue is trivial –Helps you not to get too involved in the conflict –Keeps others from influencing you as much Disadvantages –May demonstrate that you don’t care –Gives impression that you’re not flexible –Lets conflicts simmer/heat up rather than working through them –Denies mutual influence Techniques –Denials of conflict, evasive remarks, changing the subject, abstract remarks, noncommittal statements/questions, friendly joking

Competition Advantages –Useful when you need to make a quick, decisive action –Can encourage creativity –Useful when the goal is more important than the relationship –Demonstrates how important the issue is to you Disadvantages –Can harm the relationship –May encourage others to be passive-aggressive, or use other covert means –Limits conflicts to win-lose –Taken to an extreme, can be physically harmful Techniques –Denial of responsibility, personal criticism, rejection, hostile imperatives, hostile jokes, hostile questions, presumptive remarks, threats, violence

Compromising Advantages –Can accomplish important goals in relatively short time –Reinforces power balance in relationship –Can be used as a back-up method when other styles fail –Appears reasonable to most parties Disadvantages –Can become an easy way out, when other solutions might work better –May be seen as lose-lose –May be a sophisticated form of avoidance Techniques –Appealing to fairness, suggesting a trade-off, maximizing wins/minimizing losses, offering a quick short-term solution

Accommodating Advantages –Useful when you find out you’ve been wrong –You can give a little and gain a lot if the issue’s not important to you –Allows harmony of relationship, without overt conflict Disadvantages –May reduce finding creative options –Can be harmful to the relationship if one person always gives in, and the other always gets their way –If the accommodation is resented, conflict will likely just arise again later Techniques –Giving up/giving in, disengagement, denial of needs, expression of desire for harmony

Collaboration Advantages –Generates new ideas –Shows respect for the other party –Gains commitment to the solution from both parties –Affirms importance of relationship –Builds team approach to conflict management –Demonstrates that conflict can be productive Disadvantages –May not be worth the time and energy involved –Can be manipulative, or used as a one-up move Techniques –Descriptive statements, disclosing statements, qualifying statements, solicitation of disclosure, solicitation of criticism, supportive remarks, concessions, acceptance of responsibility

Relational Conflict Styles “Patterns of managing disagreements that repeat themselves over time.” Complementary Conflict Style –Partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors Symmetrical Conflict Style –Partners use the same tactics Parallel Conflict Style –Shifts between complementary and symmetrical styles depending on the issue Can also look at styles based on level of intimacy and aggressiveness (also Conflict-Avoidant, Validating, and Volatile) Conflict rituals

Conflict Management (Wilmot & Hocker, 1998)

Clarify Communication –Speak your mind and heart –Listen well –Express strong feelings appropriately –Remain rational as long as possible –Summarize and ask questions –Give and take –Avoid all harmful statements Check Perceptions –Ask directly what is going on –Tell others your own reality –Look for flexible “shades-of-gray” solutions

Transforming Conflicts (Wilmot & Hocker, 1998)

What are your options for trying to change a conflict? Try to change the other person Try to alter the conflict conditions Change your own communication and/or perceptions

Regulated Conflict Potential for Productiveness Unexpressed Conflict Unrestrained Conflict Midrange conflicts tend to be most productive…

Our difficulties with conflict can often be boiled down to problems with: Avoidance (Unexpressed Conflict) & Escalation (Unrestrained Conflict)

Avoidance 2 types: –Avoidance -> Avoidance -> Avoidance etc. –Avoidance-> Escalation -> Avoidance etc. Why do we tend to avoid? –You feel the other person wouldn’t like it or is so fragile they’d fall apart if you brought up the issue –You feel you don’t have the right to bring up the issue –You feel you lack the skills to deal with the conflict

Breaking the Avoidance Cycle Remember that the other person needs your help to correct whatever misperceptions have formed Remember that not sharing important information doesn’t do either of you any good Try to reframe your concerns about bringing up the issue, or come up with counterarguments for them. If you find yourself complaining to others behind the person’s back, recognize it as indirect anger, and a clue you need to engage that person. Ask yourself, “What is it that I need to tell him/her?”

Moving from Complaints to Requests You are too cold. You’re smothering me. I need more warmth. I need you to look at me when you talk. I would like it if you’d answer my questions. I would like to have some more time to do my own thing. I need some time to myself.

Escalation Anger is a secondary emotion, resulting from: –Fear –Hurt –Frustration of unmet needs/thwarted desires People tend to deal with anger through: –Suppression –Ventilation/Catharsis

Tips for Expressing Anger: Verbally state the anger. (“I am angry.”) Distinguish between venting and acknowledging anger. Agree that you won’t attack each other in a state of anger. Work to find the stimulus of the anger. You can use the X-Y-Z formula

Receiving Anger Well Acknowledge the person’s feelings. Clarify the specific behaviors involved. Gauge the intensity and importance of the issue. Invite the person to join you in working towards solutions. Make an optimistic relational statement.

Some general guidelines for transforming your conflicts… Express caring/concern for the other person and their feelings Don’t bargain over positions Separate the people from the problem Focus on interests, not positions Invent options for mutual gain (What can each of you offer?) Insist on using objective criteria