Role Expectations in Marriage

What happens after the wedding? According to sociologists:According to sociologists: 1.couples must negotiate the relationship they want to have and the compatible roles each will play (McGoldrick) 2.Erikson – couples have to resolve the dilemma of intimacy vs isolation to develop the ‘strength’ of love 3.The challenge is how to keep individuality yet at the same time grow together as a couple

The Contemporary Couple Purpose of marriage has changed over the 20 th centuryPurpose of marriage has changed over the 20 th century Couples now looking for relationships based on companionship rather than parenthood or procreationCouples now looking for relationships based on companionship rather than parenthood or procreation Traditional marriage – man was the independent one – out in the world seeking the means to support his family, whereas the woman was the homebody – creating the home for the couple and familyTraditional marriage – man was the independent one – out in the world seeking the means to support his family, whereas the woman was the homebody – creating the home for the couple and family

Equality Today, most couples’ relationships are based on equality – both are out in the world workingToday, most couples’ relationships are based on equality – both are out in the world working The focus of the relationship has morphed into companionship –needs to be developed over timeThe focus of the relationship has morphed into companionship –needs to be developed over time

Systems Theory According to systems theory, couples must negotiate the structure, or, hidden ‘rules’ of their new relationshipAccording to systems theory, couples must negotiate the structure, or, hidden ‘rules’ of their new relationship In a marriage, this means that the issues of daily living must be negotiatedIn a marriage, this means that the issues of daily living must be negotiated There needs to be a division of laour and decision making for a couple – this will look different with every coupleThere needs to be a division of laour and decision making for a couple – this will look different with every couple

When 2 individuals get married (they are 2 ‘systems’), a new 3 rd system is developed – the 2 systems join and overlapWhen 2 individuals get married (they are 2 ‘systems’), a new 3 rd system is developed – the 2 systems join and overlap Each partner’s expectations originate in their respective families and then must be sorted through in order for that new ‘system’ to emergeEach partner’s expectations originate in their respective families and then must be sorted through in order for that new ‘system’ to emerge This leads to shared roles within a marriageThis leads to shared roles within a marriage

Since the focus is no longer on child rearing, the more ‘social’ environment presents competing demandsSince the focus is no longer on child rearing, the more ‘social’ environment presents competing demands Social norms – such as the previous ones that say the man is head of the house – the woman stays home to look after him are changing but not without tensionSocial norms – such as the previous ones that say the man is head of the house – the woman stays home to look after him are changing but not without tension This can create tension within a marriage unless a couple together decide on how their ‘system’ is going to operateThis can create tension within a marriage unless a couple together decide on how their ‘system’ is going to operate

Those conflicting demands between personal needs and social and economic responsibilities can create tension for a couple as they work together to develop those ‘intimacy’ and commitment sides of their marriageThose conflicting demands between personal needs and social and economic responsibilities can create tension for a couple as they work together to develop those ‘intimacy’ and commitment sides of their marriage

9 Psychological Tasks Needed for a Good Marriage See page 206 in textSee page 206 in text

Stages in a Marriage Goldstine:Goldstine: 1. Relationships are romantic, warm and respectful – exploration, sexual attraction, idealization of partner1. Relationships are romantic, warm and respectful – exploration, sexual attraction, idealization of partner -self esteem is built as they try to develop the relationship they want

Stage 2 Conflict arises as individuals try to have their own needs metConflict arises as individuals try to have their own needs met Causes instability in the relationship and requires a change in behaviour in both partnersCauses instability in the relationship and requires a change in behaviour in both partners Individuals may feel let down because the relationship is less rewardingIndividuals may feel let down because the relationship is less rewarding Individuals also have to be honest about their own needs and work with their partner to solve problemsIndividuals also have to be honest about their own needs and work with their partner to solve problems

Stage 3 Couples compromise and negotiate a relationship that meets their needsCouples compromise and negotiate a relationship that meets their needs Each needs to develop more ‘flexibility’ about their roles and needsEach needs to develop more ‘flexibility’ about their roles and needs The relationship becomes more realistic, mature and stableThe relationship becomes more realistic, mature and stable

Family Life Cycle Theory Almost every marriage will go through some kind of ‘crises’, usually many over the course of their relationshipAlmost every marriage will go through some kind of ‘crises’, usually many over the course of their relationship Such as: birth of children, teenage years, children leaving home, retirement, growing old togetherSuch as: birth of children, teenage years, children leaving home, retirement, growing old together When these happen, couples go through a stage 2 all over again and will have to re-adapt and reconfigure those roles againWhen these happen, couples go through a stage 2 all over again and will have to re-adapt and reconfigure those roles again

Defining Success Characteristics of successful marriage partners: (Martin Whyte): similar valuessimilar values similar activities similar activities pooling incomes pooling incomes sharing in decision making sharing in decision making friends in common friends in common active social life together active social life together

What does this suggest: Social homogamy was a factor in the selection of a partnerSocial homogamy was a factor in the selection of a partner Couples have made their marital relationship a priorityCouples have made their marital relationship a priority They have ‘settled’ the issues of power and influence in their relationshipThey have ‘settled’ the issues of power and influence in their relationship

Gottman and Silver Looked at the nature of interactions between married couplesLooked at the nature of interactions between married couples If positive moments outweigh the negative ones by 5:1If positive moments outweigh the negative ones by 5:1 Mutual commitment to the relationshipMutual commitment to the relationship Effective communication are criticalEffective communication are critical

What is a successful marriage? This is vey subjectiveThis is vey subjective Each individual must decide for his or herselfEach individual must decide for his or herself However the trends are that they base their thoughts on the expectations that they had when they entered the relationship and on their willingness to adjust as the relationship maturedHowever the trends are that they base their thoughts on the expectations that they had when they entered the relationship and on their willingness to adjust as the relationship matured

Social Exchange People stay in relationships when they perceive that the balance of ‘give and take’ is fairPeople stay in relationships when they perceive that the balance of ‘give and take’ is fair The benefits of staying in the relationship outweigh those of leavingThe benefits of staying in the relationship outweigh those of leaving

Homework 1. Read the ‘in focus’ on p Read the ‘in focus’ on p 208 Answer the questions on p. 209Answer the questions on p Answer question #4 on page Answer question #4 on page 222