I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 1 Couple’s Communication “ He said/She said” STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 2 Communication Is A Process Talking Talking Listening Listening Understanding Understanding Key Problem - Being Understood & Understanding Key Problem - Being Understood & Understanding

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 3 6 Messages Can Come From One Message What you mean to say What you mean to say What you actually say What you actually say What the other person hears What the other person hears What the other person thinks he hears What the other person thinks he hears What the other person said about what you said What the other person said about what you said What you think the other person said about what you said What you think the other person said about what you said

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 4 Reasons For Not Communicating Haven’t learned how to share openly with another person Haven’t learned how to share openly with another person Being afraid to express their feelings or thoughts for fear of rejection or hurt Being afraid to express their feelings or thoughts for fear of rejection or hurt An attitude that talking won’t help, so why bother? An attitude that talking won’t help, so why bother? Some people don’t believe that they as a person have anything to offer Some people don’t believe that they as a person have anything to offer

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 5 The Five Levels Of Communication- by John Powell, “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am.” Powell’s five levels of communication are: Powell’s five levels of communication are: Level Five: Cliché’ Communication - ‘ no personal sharing.’ Level Five: Cliché’ Communication - ‘ no personal sharing.’ Level Four: Reporting the facts about others - ‘ Facts without feelings’ Level Four: Reporting the facts about others - ‘ Facts without feelings’ Level Three: My Idea and Judgments - ‘ Person begins to express feelings and ideas.’ Level Three: My Idea and Judgments - ‘ Person begins to express feelings and ideas.’ Level Two: My Feelings and Emotions - ‘ Person shares how he feels about facts, ideas and judgments.’ Level Two: My Feelings and Emotions - ‘ Person shares how he feels about facts, ideas and judgments.’ Level One: Complete Emotional and Personal Truthful Communication: ‘ Marriage must be based on absolute openness and honesty.’ Level One: Complete Emotional and Personal Truthful Communication: ‘ Marriage must be based on absolute openness and honesty.’

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 6 Anger and Communication Anger is one of the main causes of the breakdown of communication in marriage. Anger is one of the main causes of the breakdown of communication in marriage. What is Anger? Here’s a definition: What is Anger? Here’s a definition:  a strong emotion of displeasure.  the natural reflexive result of frustration.

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 7 How To Respond to Anger How do you react when you’re angry at your spouse? What choices do you have to anger? Suppress - ‘ You build a fence around it.’ Suppress - ‘ You build a fence around it.’ Express - ‘Get it off your chest.’ ‘Work in the yard.’ ‘Go for a long walk.’ Express - ‘Get it off your chest.’ ‘Work in the yard.’ ‘Go for a long walk.’ Repress - Refusing to accept the fact of your anger. It’s unhealthy and may lead to illness or comes out in other ways. Repress - Refusing to accept the fact of your anger. It’s unhealthy and may lead to illness or comes out in other ways. Confess - Recognizing you are angry and stating the fact before you lose control. Confess - Recognizing you are angry and stating the fact before you lose control.

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 8 Unhealthy Reactions To Anger Ignore your feelings Ignore your feelings Keep your anger inside Keep your anger inside Keep saying...” I’m not angry.” Keep saying...” I’m not angry.” Remember the argument and try to get back at your spouse Remember the argument and try to get back at your spouse Blame your spouse Blame your spouse Don’t learn from your emotions, i.e..; Keep repeating harmful ways of communicating Don’t learn from your emotions, i.e..; Keep repeating harmful ways of communicating

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 9 Healthy Reactions to Anger Be aware of your emotions Be aware of your emotions Don’t be afraid to admit your emotion Don’t be afraid to admit your emotion Learn how the emotion got there Learn how the emotion got there Share your emotion with your spouse Share your emotion with your spouse Decide what to do with your emotion Decide what to do with your emotion

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 10 Positive Ways to Handle Anger Be aware of your emotional reactions Be aware of your emotional reactions Recognize your emotions and admit your feelings Recognize your emotions and admit your feelings Try to understand why you have anger Try to understand why you have anger Can you create other situations where anger won’t happen? Can you create other situations where anger won’t happen? Is anger the best response? Is there a better way to express yourself? Is anger the best response? Is there a better way to express yourself?

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 11 Positive Ways to Handle Anger Does your anger rise too soon? If so, try to slow down and count to ten Does your anger rise too soon? If so, try to slow down and count to ten You may have a time when your anger is legitimate. If so, use timing and tact to express your feelings You may have a time when your anger is legitimate. If so, use timing and tact to express your feelings Are you critical of others? Is your critical attitude merely anger? Are you critical of others? Is your critical attitude merely anger? Find a friend you trust and talk about it or see a counselor Find a friend you trust and talk about it or see a counselor Ask for God’s help with your anger Ask for God’s help with your anger

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 12 Problem Solving As A Couple Focus on the solution rather than the problem Focus on the solution rather than the problem Think in terms of possible solutions Think in terms of possible solutions Actively work on solutions Actively work on solutions Accept what can’t be changed Accept what can’t be changed Keep your values straight Keep your values straight Live one day at a time Live one day at a time

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 13 How To Cope With Conflict Don’t avoid conflict with the “Silent Treatment” Don’t avoid conflict with the “Silent Treatment” Don’t save ‘emotional trading stamps”. i.e..; waiting to get even later, bringing up the past Don’t save ‘emotional trading stamps”. i.e..; waiting to get even later, bringing up the past If possible, find the best time and place to discuss without interruption If possible, find the best time and place to discuss without interruption Attack the problem, not each other Attack the problem, not each other a. Back up words with facts b. Remember to forget c. No comments about in-laws or relatives d. No comment about your spouse’s appearance e. No dramatics

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 14 How To Cope With Conflict Don’t throw your feelings at your spouse Don’t throw your feelings at your spouse Stay on the subject Stay on the subject Offer solutions with your criticisms Offer solutions with your criticisms Never say, “You Never” or “You Always”. Watch your volume and don’t exaggerate Never say, “You Never” or “You Always”. Watch your volume and don’t exaggerate Don’t manipulate your mate with, “It’s all my fault.” Don’t manipulate your mate with, “It’s all my fault.” When you’re wrong, admit it; When your right, keep silent When you’re wrong, admit it; When your right, keep silent

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 15 Communicate To Build Self-Esteem Make it safe to communicate - Make it safe to communicate - a. Look at the positive side of openness b. Take initiative, take the first step c. Don’t use openness as a tool of attack d. Be honest about yourself to others e. Both parties must play by the same rules Seek to understand, not to be understood Seek to understand, not to be understood Don’t assume you know - ask Don’t assume you know - ask

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 16 Communicate To Build Self-Esteem Listen - don’t interrupt Listen - don’t interrupt Don’t nag Don’t nag Don’t jump to conclusions Don’t jump to conclusions Disagree? Yes. Disrespect? NO! Disagree? Yes. Disrespect? NO! Deal in potential - not the past Deal in potential - not the past Don’t force your spouse to be your carbon copy Don’t force your spouse to be your carbon copy Pray for one another Pray for one another

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 17 Listening Listening means that when your spouse is talking to you, you are not thinking about what you are going to say when he or she stops talking Listening means that when your spouse is talking to you, you are not thinking about what you are going to say when he or she stops talking Listening is completely accepting what is being said without judging of what is said or how it is said Listening is completely accepting what is being said without judging of what is said or how it is said Listening is being able to repeat back to your spouse what he/she said and what he/she was feeling Listening is being able to repeat back to your spouse what he/she said and what he/she was feeling

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 18 Three Components of Communication The Content - 7% The Content - 7% The Tone of Voice - 38% The Tone of Voice - 38% The Nonverbal Communication - 55% The Nonverbal Communication - 55%

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 19 Obstacles to Listening Defensiveness Defensiveness a. Premature conclusion b. Read into their statements c. Rehearse our responses d. Respond to ‘Gun-Powder’ words - i.e.. - you always; you never; you’re just like

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 20 Obstacles to Listening Attitudes or Biases Attitudes or Biases a. Certain tone of voice b. Ethnic groups c. The opposite sex d. People who remind us of someone from the past

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 21 Obstacles to Listening Our own inner struggles Interrupting Interrupting Timing Timing Overload Overload Mental/Physical fatigue Mental/Physical fatigue Selective attention/ ‘ filtered listening’ Selective attention/ ‘ filtered listening’

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 22 Steps To Better Listening Understand what you feel about your spouse Understand what you feel about your spouse Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your body Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your body Clarify - “ I think....” Clarify - “ I think....” Observe - Focus on body language and tone of voice Observe - Focus on body language and tone of voice Reflective Listening - Look/listen for emotions expressed Reflective Listening - Look/listen for emotions expressed Inquire - Drawing out more information Inquire - Drawing out more information Be patient - Especially if your spouse is a slow or hesitant talker Be patient - Especially if your spouse is a slow or hesitant talker

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 23 Real Reasons To Change We seek renewal - ‘Return to good times’ We seek renewal - ‘Return to good times’ We want more - ‘Building up our self-esteem’ We want more - ‘Building up our self-esteem’ We need variety - ‘Being loved and built up in new ways’ We need variety - ‘Being loved and built up in new ways’ We want to be seen in a different light - ‘Being appreciated in all areas of life’ We want to be seen in a different light - ‘Being appreciated in all areas of life’

I n t e g r i t y - S e r v i c e - E x c e l l e n c e 24 How To Change Work as a team - share ideas and information Work as a team - share ideas and information Start out slowly Start out slowly Intimacy - openness and honesty, sincerity and trust Intimacy - openness and honesty, sincerity and trust Understand how your spouse sees him/herself to what their self-esteem is built on Understand how your spouse sees him/herself to what their self-esteem is built on Present ideas in ways that build your spouses self- esteem Present ideas in ways that build your spouses self- esteem Consider your own willingness to change Consider your own willingness to change Reinforce and encourage your spouse Reinforce and encourage your spouse Be persistent and patient Be persistent and patient