CONFLICT in Relationships

Conflict Misconceptions Conflict is BAD If two people are in a fight, their relationship is a bad one Conflict damages relationships

Types of Conflict Destructive Conflict –dismantles relationships –lack of flexibility Constructive Conflict –resolve issues or problems –suggest areas of change –confront areas of disagreement

Why do relationships break-up? Reason for Relationship No Longer Exists Undefined Expectations Relational Changes Third-Party Relationships Inequitable Distribution of Rewards and Costs Money Work

Conflict Management Styles Nonconfrontational –placating –distracting –withdrawing –giving in

Confrontational –All about power –Control –Win/lose philosophy Conflict Management Styles

Cooperative –Conflict is not a game –Conflict is a problem to be solved –Compromise or Cooperation Conflict Management Styles

Healthy Conflict Tips DO use “I” language to take responsibility for your feelings DO be empathetic DO focus on the problem DON’T use personal attacks DON’T bring up the past DON’T blame

Using ‘I’ Messages Purpose – To identify problem behavior and help adjust / correct without being confrontational 1.Identify Behavior: “When you…” 2.Identify your feelings and why: “I feel ____” 3.State why it makes you feel this way: “Because it…” 4.Identify the desired outcome: “I would like for you to…” 5.How it would make you feel: “Because it would be…”

“I” Message Example When you always text during dinner (#1 – Undesirable Behavior), it makes me feel hurt & ignored (#2 – Feeling) because I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me (#3 – Why). I would like for dinner time to be “no electronics time” (#4 – Desired behavior). I would love for us to just get to talk because I love hearing about your day and I miss just hanging out. (#5 – Why and validation).

Crucial Conversations: Problem Solving Strategies Mutual Purpose Mutual Respect Continued Dialogue  Mutual Purpose – required to ENTER dialogue  Work on finding a mutual purpose, even if it is as basic as ‘resolve the conflict’  Mutual Respect – required to CONTINUE dialogue

Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps to Healthy Conflict Start with Heart Focus on what you really want Refuse the ‘sucker’s choice’ Learn to Look Silence – masking, avoiding, withdrawing Violence – controlling, labeling, attacking Master my Stories Learn to separate fact from ‘story’ Tell the ‘rest’ Claim your role

Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps to Healthy Conflict State my Path Am I open and talking about the real issue? Am I expressing my own feelings? Explore Others’ Paths Learn to AMPP your listening Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime Move to Action Translate conversation into action Set Who, does What, by When, and How we will Follow-up

Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps to Healthy Conflict Start with Heart Focus on what you really want Refuse the ‘sucker’s choice’ Learn to Look Silence – masking, avoiding, withdrawing Violence – controlling, labeling, attacking Master my Stories Learn to separate fact from ‘story’ Tell the ‘rest’ Claim your role