Revising Sentences Language Network

Padded and Empty Sentences Refining Padded Sentences Improving Empty Sentences Practice and Apply Revising Sentences

A padded sentence has more words than are needed to communicate an idea. Refining Padded Sentences

Sometimes padded sentences have long phrases that can be replaced with shorter ones. At other times, padded sentences bore your reader by needlessly repeating an idea. Refining Padded Sentences

STUDENT MODEL PADDED SENTENCES DRAFT I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger. Repeats an idea Long phrase Refining Padded Sentences

STUDENT MODEL PADDED SENTENCES DRAFT I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger. REVISION I was upset because my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. He thinks they look dangerous. Refining Padded Sentences

Here’s How Refining Padded Sentences Think about what you really want to say. Look for words and phrases that could be deleted and never missed. Look for places where one or two words could replace many words. Refining Padded Sentences

Some sentences say nothing or repeat an idea that has already been stated. I like bike riding because it is fun and enjoyable. IDEA IS REPEATED Improving Empty Sentences

Other sentences make statements that are not supported by facts. They are my favorite bikes because they are the best ones. NOT A FACT Improving Empty Sentences

Here’s How Filling Empty Sentences Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly repeat an idea. Don’t leave your reader asking, “Why?” Add reasons, examples, and facts to support your opinions. Improving Empty Sentences

Add a reason or fact to the following sentence. Train travel is better than car travel.1. Practice and Apply

Eliminate unnecessary words from the following sentences. The dining car, where most of the passengers eat, offers many different meals and a variety of food. 2. Practice and Apply

Stringy and Overloaded Sentences Fixing Stringy Sentences Fixing Overloaded Sentences Practice and Apply Revising Sentences

Often, the reader can’t tell how the ideas in the sentence are related. Both stringy and overloaded sentences confuse the reader by forcing too many ideas into one sentence. Fixing Stringy Sentences

A stringy sentence contains too many ideas loosely connected by the word and. Stringy sentences seem to go on and on. Fixing Stringy Sentences

To fix stringy sentences, make each complete thought a separate sentence. Write the sentences in a logical order. Fixing Stringy Sentences

You can use conjunctions such as first, then, when, next, after that, and because to show the relationship between ideas. Fixing Stringy Sentences

STUDENT MODEL STRINGY SENTENCE DRAFT My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars... Fixing Stringy Sentences

STUDENT MODEL STRINGY SENTENCES DRAFT My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars... REVISION When my class visited Washington, D.C., we went to the National Air and Space Museum. First, we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane. After that, we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars... Fixing Stringy Sentences

You may know what you need to say, but your reader won’t understand you. An overloaded sentence contains too much information about a single topic. Fixing Overloaded Sentences

STUDENT MODEL OVERLOADED SENTENCE DRAFT Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow. Too many details Fixing Overloaded Sentences

STUDENT MODEL DRAFT Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow. REVISION Pterodactyls were flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa. Most people think that pterodactyls were huge animals, but not all of them were. Some pterodactyls were about the same size as a sparrow. Fixing Overloaded Sentences

Here’s How Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences Break down your sentences into separate ideas. Combine related ideas, using conjunctions such as and, but, or, so, then, and when. Rewrite your sentences as two or more sentences, making sure that you have not packed too many ideas into any one sentence. Fixing Overloaded Sentences

Rewrite this stringy sentence. My grandmother’s dog is very helpful and he will carry the newspaper from her to my grandfather if she tells him to but sometimes he wants to play instead. 3. Practice and Apply

Varying Sentence Structure Rearranging Phrases Varying Sentence Types Practice and Apply Revising Sentences

Try rearranging the phrases in your sentence for more impact. Words that give the most important information often have the greatest effect at the start or end of a sentence. Rearranging Phrases

happy birthday. wishing her aof her friends spilled out, and fifteen Minerva opened her front door, Rearranging Phrases

happy birthday. wishing her a Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out front door as she opened it, her

Rearranging Phrases Wishing her a happy birthday, of Minerva’s friends spilled out fifteen of door as she opened it. her front

There are no precise rules about the “most important” words in a sentence. You can put interesting details up front to grab your reader’s attention or at the end to go out with a bang. Rearranging Phrases

You can make your writing livelier by including questions, exclamations, and commands. Varying Sentence Type

PROFESSIONAL MODEL VARYING SENTENCE TYPES What can kids do about pollution in their neighborhoods? Students at Bellamy Middle School in Chicopee, Massachusetts, found out. Chicopee had a problem storing sludge from factories and sewers. In winter the sludge froze before it could be taken to landfills. Some Bellamy students toured the sludge plant to see the problem for themselves—and smell it, too! The town used the students’ idea of building a greenhouse.... Look around your community for environmental problems you can help solve. Question Exclamation Command Varying Sentence Type

Don’t overuse exclamations. Too many can make your writing seem breathless or overexcited. Varying Sentence Type

Rewrite the following sentence two ways by rearranging its phrases. The librarian heard a snicker in the middle aisle near the books by Mark Twain. 4. Practice and Apply

Add some variety to the letter below. Rewrite at least three sentences as questions, exclamations, or commands. You may be interested in time travel or in life on other planets. If you read science fiction, you can explore these ideas. Science fiction writers often combine scientific information and imaginary characters to create a story. If science fiction appeals to you, it’s a good idea to try a story by Isaac Asimov, Anne McCaffrey, or another science fiction writer. 5. Practice and Apply