Personal Needs and Expectations Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. DENNIS WHOLEY 'Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed' ALEXANDER POPE

Objectives / Standards:  The student will be able to:  Identify common marital adjustments and how to resolve them.  Identify the difficulties in the first two years (myths versus reality).  Discuss the impact of parental approval or lack or approval of the marriage (in-laws).  Discuss adjusts in marriage (dual income, personal needs and expectations, sexual adjustments).

What Do You Think?  Men and women are different in many ways, especially in the way they think.  In his book, “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” Dr. James Dobson relates an interesting theory about this differences.

A man deals with each circle as he is required to. They do not overlap, but remain entirely separate from one another.  If he is watching a ball game on TV and the children come in screaming, he may not notice them because he is watching TV. When the game is over the circle is closed.  He may pay bills and even discuss then with his wife, but when he has finished, that circle is closed. Work Money Children Health Food meetings transportation

On the other hand woman deals with her life much differently  She can comfort a child with a cut knee while she makes dinner and may even be on the phone at the same time.  She may pay the bills and be thinking about which child needs new shoes or the refreshment she must take to the PTA meeting.  A woman will think of many things at once. If this were to be shown, it would look like the above diagram. work health children money transportation food

Where as the man has forgotten about the disagreement he had with his wife earlier in the evening, she has not. She is still thinking about it when she goes to bed. Obviously, she is not in the mood for sex.  If a man and woman understand these things about each other, it will help their relationship immensely.

 A man would know that in order to gain his wife’s attention, he needs to apologize or at least discuss problems before wanting intimate relationships.  The wife would understand that her husband is not trying to hurt her feelings, he simply deals with things in a different way.  Both people need to work together to understand one another and create a quality relationship.

Millions flood therapists' offices to wail that they are not getting their "needs" met, and still more millions carry through (often with the sanction of their therapist) to rid themselves of the inadequate mate. Not that I think venting one's dissatisfactions isn't important, and not that I don't think it's a step on the way to recovery, but the point is that such venting is a step. It's a step on the way to taking personal responsibility for one's lacks and finding ways to personally fill those lacks without taking them out on the unfortunate spouse.

Meeting each other needs:  His needs are more Physical and Emotional  Her needs are more Emotional and Physical

Activity: There's Only One You Activity: There's Only One You, Pg 202, Tom Jackson, Activities That Teach Family Values, ISBN #

Hand out Student Listening Guide

How did “Traditional” get to be a tradition?  Before the industrial revolution in the early part of this century, men and women worked side by side. It was not until work was moved to the factories that women’s work place became the home and labor was rigidly divided by sex.  But currently, the numbers of women in the work force have dramatically increased with more than half of all married women and mothers working outside the home.  The biggest increase in women in the work force are women with preschooler and infants.

What would you say are the main reasons for women being in the workplace? 1. Economics Factors –Most women use their income on necessary goods and services for their families. –Almost 20% of families are headed and supported by single-parent mothers. –For many families where the husband is the major wage earner, the wife’s earning often raise a family above the poverty level.

–The economic reasons for women being employed remain throughout the life cycle. Young couples stage: to save for a car or home. Young children stage: make car & home payments. Older children stage: to support children in college. Children fully launched: to save for retirement.

2. Changing Gender Roles –Although men have traditionally found their identity through work outside the home, women have found their identity through work inside the home. –Women are moving into the occupational world as an important avenue for personal fulfillment.

3.Family Life Cycle Changes –In early years childbirth was difficult and the large number of children born meant that most women never lived to see all their children fully grown. –Women are living longer, having fewer children, and have more time left over from raising children to work. –25 years is the average number of years remaining for employment outside the home.

Read Case Studies Students write down a solution to these case studies

What are the main problems encountered by two-income families? 1.There are competing demands of career and family life. 1.The parents have not had family roles models to help them know how to manage careers and families together 2.Less time is spent with children. 2. Working women often suffer from high blood pressure, headaches, tension, and depression caused by stress.

Activity: Trading Activity: Trading, pg. 237, Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN #

Sharing Roles Successfully 1. Men have to accept the fact that they are needed to help with the housework. 2. Small children can help out with easy jobs. 3. Older children can help take responsibilities for house work, child care, and meal preparation. 4. Other conflicts may include: –Work hours may be opposite each other. –Transportation and arranging child care. –Jealously over a partner having a higher paying or more prestigious job. –Parent may feel ownership: for specific roles.

Video clips

Work individually using the orange information sheet to answer “Two Careers and Children Equal Stress”.

Discussion:  Sexual Adjustments –Expectations –Importance of Sex in a Marriage –Variety of needs –Sex as communication –Successful Adjustment

 Sexual relationship and other aspects of marital life are interrelated, meaning that conflict or intense concern over money, for example, can detract from sexual interest.  Each partner may have different ideas about what is right and what is wrong in sex life. In reality, there are no rights or wrongs in sexual activity between a couple, except what each may believe to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior. Personal beliefs should be honored and respected.  As is mutually agreeable between the two partners, it is a good idea to experiment with ways to keep the sexual relationship from becoming boring or routine.  Try not to be overly influenced by sexuality portrayed in the media, movies, or television. Only you and your partner can decide what is acceptable and satisfying for the two of you. Don't try to fit your relationship into someone else's idea of what is normal sexual behavior.  Some make sex a weapon in dealing with other conflicts in their relationship. Doing so magnifies the original problem, and can lead to sexual problems as well.  Don't be afraid to discuss your sex life with your partner. Share with him or her your likes, dislikes, feelings, desires, fantasies, etc. Share and learn together.

 Your sexual relationship is just like other relationship—sometimes it will be good and sometimes it will be bad. The key to success is good communication and a desire to resolve problems. If you and your spouse are unable to resolve problems on your own, it may be appropriate to seek a good marriage counselor. Discussing private details of your marriage with parents, family, or friends can cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your spouse.  The key to a happy and healthy intimate relationship in marriage is open and honest communication that focuses on the good and assists the relationship to move forward into a move positive situation for both partners.

Summary: Meeting each others needs means giving first and not waiting for your spouse to give to you. If both of you are trying to meet each other’s needs then there will never be a wanting of needs to be met.

 Adjustments in the Early Marriage Years by Thomas R. Lee, PhD Department of Family and Human Development Utah State University  Marriage – Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Things Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews  Marriage – A many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews  The Top Ten Myths of Marriage David Popenoe arriage.htm  Take Specific Steps To Nurture Love In Marriage Dr. Stephen Duncan Brigham Young University Take Specific Steps To Nurture Love In Marriage