Children in the Middle Parents’ Version © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Slides:



Advertisements
Similar presentations
Communication Workshop Strategies for Success. Agenda Topics How to Involve Parents in Meaningful Conversations How to Conductive Conferences Exploring.
Advertisements

Su Min Son English Listening Class [Lead-in] Before Watching the Video Why is Susan so depressed? What do her friends tell her to do?
“Mom, Dad, I’m Pregnant…”
What does the School Counselor Do? Pittsville Elementary School.
EFFECTIVE PARENT- TEACHER CONFERENCES Educational Service Center, North Parent and Community Engagement
Parenting After Divorce (Children can be okay – with work)
Bullying at the schools. Bullying is a problem all over. Many children and teens have to deal with more than one school bully, and sometimes even friends.
Children and Court Tips in the event your child receives a subpoena…
Communication Skills I Statements You idiot!. Conflict Resolution Definition: The process of ending a conflict by cooperating and problem solving.
Lesson 10: Dealing with Criticism
Common Sense Unit 2 – Lesson 3 Category: Internet Safety.
Communicating with your Teen
Kim Allen, PhD.  Poor communication  Financial problems  A lack of commitment to the marriage  A dramatic change in priorities  Infidelity.
Parents R 4-Ever Session 2 Impact of Divorce on Children.
Your just in time… enjoy the show! The Plumsted TownshipPolice & Plumsted Township School District presents… STRANGER DANGER.
Gentleness Gentleness vs. Harshness Showing consideration and personal concern for others.
Talking Clearly & Safely Communication that Builds Connection.
A guide to speaking to your child about sexual abuse. Tatiana Matthews, MS, LPC, CRC.
How to get your kids to listen to you – and you to them! Sara Hitchens
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.1 High Conflict Parents What Can You Do?
Your just in time… enjoy the show!
Sibling R i v a l r y. Program Objectives n Parents will understand reasons for sibling rivalry n Parents will learn about ways to reduce fighting among.
Bibliotherapy: Children and Divorce Based on Children at Risk(2001) by Barry Friedman, McGraw Hill.
Monday : Some of the ways kids bully other people are by hitting, kicking, calling them names, saying or writing nasty things about them, leaving them.
Ethics in Self-Help Centers: What Staff and Volunteers Need to Know.
+ An Introduction to Safety on the Internet 1 Material and Advice provided by:
Tips on How to Be a Parent and How to Be a Teenager Nick Foster.
DIVORCE GROUP F DIVORCE ,118,000 MARRIAGES 877,000 DIVORCES DIVORCE IS VERY COMMON AND HAPPENS TO MANY FAMILIES IN THE UNITED STATES. IT.
Safety On The Internet  Usage time  Locations that may be accessed  Parental controls  What information may be shared with others Online rules should.
Contract Negotiations Communication. Tonight’s Objectives Recognize quality conversation with your child Understand the difference between communicating.
Communication With Teachers, and Study Habits. COMMUNICATION.
Fran Wilby, LCSW, PhD Executive Director, W.D. Goodwill Initiatives on Aging College of Social Work-University of Utah.
Draw!Act It!Think! Talk it Out! True or False?
Basic Training, Part 2 Building the Foundation: Peace and Conflict Education in Early Childhood Development Programs Project Implemented in Partnership.
CHILDREN’S REACTIONS TO DIVORCE Presented by Pupil Services Department Ruamrudee International School.
COOL TOOLS Reactions and Stress. Learning to React Well Managing emotional reactions means choosing how and when to express the emotions we feel. People.
© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.1 Children in the Middle Protecting Your Children During and After Divorce.
Helping Your Child Cope With Stress Building Resiliency.
Level 3: Chapter 16.  Understand the difference between assertiveness, aggressiveness, and passiveness  Discover how assertiveness can be beneficial.
Children and Divorce.
While divorce is stressful for children, research has found that the way parents handle the divorce process influences their child’s adjustment. Children.
Can Children Recover From Divorce?
The Troublesome Triangle Triangle is the smallest stable relationship Two people system is stable when “all is calm.” Anxiety or stress increases two look.
 The exchange of information through the use of words or actions.
1 Recognizing and Understanding Feelings Nurturing Parenting Section 9.2 GOAL To Teach Parents Ways to Help Children Handle Their Feelings.
Stressors-Bullying Instructor: Dr. Paul Bahna. Types of stressors Positive stressors: They help us to improve ourselves, prepare better, and work harder.
Building Health Skills Chapter 2 Pgs Objectives: 1. Students will be able to correctly use “I messages”. 2. Students will be able to describe.
Yellow Card Discipline and Setting Boundaries. Tonight’s Objectives  Understand that testing limits is a natural human behavior  Develop skills and.
CHAT ROOMS What Makes Them Dangerous And How YOU Can Make Them Safe! MARY B. CONYERS PROTECT EVERYCHILD P. O. Box 749, Knightdale, NC
Vocabulary Strong Families.
1 Sharing Sensitive News with Parents. 2 Agenda Introduction Why sharing news is difficult for parents and ECEs How you tell makes a difference Strategies.
Or not?. Marriage Unit Describe a life event that happened during your “marriage” or “roommate” scenario. How did it impact your budget? Target- Cohabitation.
Coping Skills.
Breaking the NEWS About CANCER to FAMILY and FRIENDS To Tell or Not To Tell... Karen V. de la Cruz, Ph.D.
5 Levels of Communication. Polite Conversation Conversation that helps put people at ease or just passes time.
Abstinence: What’s In It For Me? Lesson Bell Ringer  Get out Student Journal, Lesson 9 Journal Entry  How do you think the choices a person makes.
CHD 002 Summer 2015 June 25, CAJAS – Clarification & Presentations  Reviewed Assignment Sheet  Shelley shared her box.
© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon1 After the Storm Resolving Post-Separation Conflict.
Review In the past three months we have discussed Hitlamdut, Behira Points and Anavah. I asked that you try to practice these by yourselves, discuss it.
Chapter 5: Preventing Violence & Abuse Section 1: Conflict Resolution & Violence Prevention.
Interviewing The art of productive listening. Interviewing A conversation with a purpose (Lindloff and Taylor, 2011, pp ).
How does conflict lead to change?. A narrative essay is a story. A narrative essay is a piece of writing that recreates an experience through time. A.
SUBSTANCE USE AND ABUSE By: Emma Widman. Case Study 10 ( Tobacco) My friends have asked me to give them a pack of cigarettes. I don’t know what to say.
Sibling Rivalry and Solutions
Pink Shirt Day How did Pink Shirt Day Start? A grade 9 student in Nova Scotia was teased for wearing a pink shirt on the first day of school. Two.
STRANGER DANGER What is a STRANGER? A “stranger” is someone you and your family do not know. A stranger does not always look mean or scary!
COMMUNICATION Pages 4-6. Michigan Merit Curriculum Standard 7: Social Skills – 4.9 Demonstrate how to apply listening and assertive communication skills.
Parent and Student Rights Inspection of records Written permission to release information Inspection of all instructional materials Chose how and where.
Communicating with Children
How to control emotions during child custody cases
Presentation transcript:

Children in the Middle Parents’ Version © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

What Do Children Dislike Most? Being Caught in the Middle of Mom & Dad’s Conflicts © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Being Caught in the Middle 1. Carrying Messages 2. Loyalty Conflicts: “Put Downs” 3. Dealing with Money Problems 4. Quizzes and Spying © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages CASEY’S STORY: [The BAD Version] about the Schedule [The BAD Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages A. What do Casey’s parents want for her? B. Why are they unaware that they have created a stressful situation for her? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages C. What should Mom and Dad do to protect her? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages CASEY’S STORY: [The BETTER Version] about the Schedule [The BETTER Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages A. How did Casey react this time? B. How did Mom handle things? C. What was Dad’s response? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages Use “I” Messages 1. Make a calm, clear statement about how the situation makes YOU feel. 2. Make a simple request for a change of behavior that would make you feel better. © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages Can you see the difference? “You are always late bringing home the kids. Next week you’d better be on time!” “I worry when the kids aren’t back on time. I’d like it if you would call when you are delayed.” © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages Let’s practice. Someone make a “YOU” statement. Someone else rephrase it as an “I” message. © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

1. Carrying Messages A. How can you coach your child to use “I” messages to let you know their pain? B. How can you coach the other parent to use “I” messages? C. How can you arrange to talk with the other parent about the kids’ needs? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

2. Put Downs EMILY & JORDAN’S STORY: [The BAD Version] Loyalty Conflicts, “Put Downs” of the Other Parent [The BAD Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

2. Put Downs A. What happened here? B. Why was Mom so upset? C. What were Emily and Jordan feeling? (Do kids want to love and admire both of their parents? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

2. Put Downs E. How did they feel about Mom and Dad? F. How could this situation have been handled better? G. How could “I” messages be used? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

2. Put Downs EMILY & JORDAN’S STORY: [The BETTER Version] Loyalty Conflicts, “Put Downs” of the Other Parent [The BETTER Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

2. Put Downs A. What did Mom (Claudia) do well in this version? B. What could she do even better? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

2. Put Downs Suggestions for Claudia (and YOU): Stay on the topic. One thing at a time. Rehearse before you talk. Be consistent between homes. © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

3. Money & Kids EVERETT’S STORY: [The BAD Version] Involving Kids in Money Issues [The BAD Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

3. Money & Kids A. What was Dad responding to-- Everett’s need or his anger at Mom? B. How did Everett feel? C. What should Dad have done or said to handle this situation better? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

3. Money & Kids EVERETT’S STORY: [The BETTER Version] Involving Kids in Money Issues [The BETTER Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

3. Money & Kids A. Who should be involved in discussions about parents’ money responsibilities? B. Who should NOT be involved? C. Should kids feel like THEY need to solve Mom and Dad’s problems? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

4. Kids as Spies JUSTIN’S STORY: [The BAD Version] Quizzing Kids About The Other Parent [The BAD Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

4. Kids as Spies A. Why did Dad begin to quiz Justin about Mom’s new boyfriend? B. How did Justin feel about being quizzed? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

4. Kids as Spies C. How did he feel telling Dad “bad” news--something he knew would hurt Dad? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

4. Kids as Spies JUSTIN’S STORY: [The BETTER Version] Quizzing Kids About The Other Parent [The BETTER Version] © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

4. Kids as Spies A. Why did Dad assure Justin that he wouldn’t get mad, no matter what Justin said? B. How did Dad respond to Justin’s explanation? © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

4. Kids as Spies C. List some things it would be okay to ask your child about the other parent. D. List some things it would NOT be okay to ask about. © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

ROLE PLAY EXERCISE 1. Playing siblings against each other 2. Events when both parents will be present 3. Guilt induction over a parent’s loneliness 4. Threatening the other parent with not being able to be with the children From Children in the Middle: A Parents’ & Children’s Guidebook 3rd ed., 1994, pp. 26-34, Center for Divorce Education, Athens, OH © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Conclusions Communicate effectively with the other parent: Use “I” messages, avoid “YOU” statements Stay focused and on the topic Rehearse difficult conversations Don’t involve the children in parental talks © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Conclusions You cannot change history, but you can control the future, so: Learn to cooperate with the other parent Learn to be consistent across households Keep your marital issues separate from your new parenting role © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Conclusions Your children need TWO loving, capable parents. Give your kids permission and encouragement to love their other parent. While your marriage is over, share with your children the qualities of their other parent that made you once fall in love. © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Conclusions And frequently tell your children that although their parents are divorced, you will all still be a family forever. © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

The Center for Divorce Education For More Information Contact: The Center for Divorce Education P.O. Box 5900 Athens, OH 45701 740-594-7173 divorce@frognet.net www.divorce-education.com © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.