Module Ten: Conflict

Conflict A disagreement between or among connected individuals Each person’s position affects the other person Positions are to some degree interrelated and incompatible

The Nature of Conflict Conflict is Natural All relationships experience conflict Conflict Can Be Beneficial Conflict is unavoidable but when managed well, has personal and relationship benefits Effective communication during conflicts can actually keep good relationships strong. People who use constructive problem-solving strategies are more satisfied with their relationships and with the outcomes of their conflicts. p. 273 7

Two Kinds of Conflict Content: centres on objects, events, and persons external to the parties involved - What to watch on TV - How to spend savings - Whom to invite over

Two Kinds of Conflict (continued) Relationship: concerned with the relationship between individuals -Who is in charge -How equal is the relationship -Who has the right to set rules of behaviour

Junk mail Spamming Flaming Trolling Online Conflict

Principles of Interpersonal Conflict Conflict is inevitable—you cannot avoid it. Interpersonal conflict can occur in computer-mediated communication as well as in face-to-face interaction. Conflict can have positive as well as negative effects. Conflict is heavily influenced by gender and culture. The style of conflict you use will have significant effects on your relationship.

Negative Aspects of Conflict Increased negative regard for the opponent Depletion of energy Isolation from others Increased costs; decreased rewards Negative Aspects of Conflict

Positive Aspects of Conflict Forces examination of a problem Moves toward potential solutions Enables individuals to state desires—and get them Prevents hostilities from festering Increases understanding and meeting each other’s needs Says relationship is worth the effort Positive Aspects of Conflict

In collectivist cultures conflicts are more likely to centre on violating collective or group norms and values In individualistic cultures conflicts are more likely to occur when individual norms are violated Conflicts and Culture

Variables in Conflict Styles Culture Factors to Consider: • Cultural Styles Vary • Individualism/Collectivism • Ethnic Factors • Biological Factors • Self-Concept An orientation toward individualism or collectivism is the most important cultural influence on conflict. In individualistic cultures like Canada’s, the goals, rights, and needs of each person are considered important and individuals have the right to stand up for themselves. In collectivistic cultures, more common in Latin America and Asia, the group’s concerns are more important than the individual’s needs. These factors would influence how conflict is managed. Different ethnic communication practices and styles influence how conflict is perceived and managed. For example, loud talking may be an ethnically acceptable practice that could be misconstrued as conflict by an outsider. Biology and factors like temperament influence our approach to conflict. 4. Self-concept may be more powerful than culture in determining conflict style. p. 284-285 23

Men are more apt to withdraw from a conflict situation than women Men become more psychologically and physiologically aroused during conflict than women Women want to get closer to the conflict; want to talk about it, resolve it Women tend to be more emotional, men more logical Ha ha…these are stereotypes – no real difference Conflicts and Gender

Variables in Conflict Styles Gender Factors to Consider: • Different “Approaches” to Conflict • Use Different Forms of Aggression • Power vs. Relational Issues • Stereotypes Men and women often approach conflicts differently. Even in childhood, males are more likely to be aggressive, demanding, and competitive, whereas females are more cooperative. Males and females tend to use different forms of aggression in relationships. Males favour more direct forms of aggression (verbal and physical) whereas females are more inclined to use indirect but equally harmful relational aggression tactics like gossiping, rumour-spreading, social exclusion etc. Men are sometimes seen as more concerned with power and content than relational issues. Women are sometimes seen as being more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a conflict. When the conflict behaviours of both sexes are observed, women are more assertive about expressing their ideas and feelings, and men are more likely to withdraw from discussing issues. Men and women have different notions of what constitutes a good relationship. Male friendships are more likely to see aggression and competition as OK. Research on gender and conflict suggests that the differences in how the two sexes handle conflict are relatively small, and sometimes different from the stereotypical picture of aggressive men and passive women. The individual style of each communicator, regardless of gender, and the nature of the relationship are more important than gender in shaping the way he or she handles conflict. p. 283-284 22

Conflict Styles Competing: I win, you lose Avoiding: I lose, you lose Accommodating: I lose, you win Compromising: I win and lose, you win and lose Collaborating: I win, you win Conflict Styles

The Nature of Conflict Figure 10.1 depicts the five conflict styles. p. 274 8

Factors to Consider When Choosing the Most Appropriate Conflict Style Avoiding (lose–lose) Accommodating (lose–win) Competing (win–lose) Compromising (partial lose–lose) Collaborating (win–win) When the issue is of little importance When you discover you are wrong When there is not enough time to seek a win–win outcome To achieve quick, temporary solutions to complex problems When the issue is too important for a compromise When the costs of confrontation outweigh the benefits When the issue is more important to the other person than it is to you When the issue is not important enough to negotiate at length When opponents are strongly committed to mutually exclusive goals When a long-term relationship between you and the other person is important p. 271 Adapted from W. W. Wilmot & J. L. Hocker (2010). Interpersonal Conflict, 8th ed. New York: McGraw-Hill. 13

(Continued)Factors to Consider When Choosing the Most Appropriate Conflict Avoiding (lose–lose) Accommodating (lose–win) Competing (win–lose) Compromising (partial lose–lose) Collaborating (win–win) To cool down and gain perspective When the long-term cost of winning isn’t worth the short-term gain When the other person is not willing to cooperate When the issues are moderately important but not enough for a stalemate To merge insights with someone who has a different perspective on the problem To build up credits for later conflicts When you are convinced that your position is right and necessary As a backup mode when collaboration doesn’t work To develop a relationship by showing commitment to the concerns of both parties To let others learn by making their own mistakes To protect yourself against a person who takes advantage of noncompetitive people To come up with creative and unique solutions to problems Adapted from W. W. Wilmot & J. L. Hocker (2010). Interpersonal Conflict, 8th ed. New York: McGraw-Hill. 14

What To Do State ownership of problem Describe conflict in terms of the behavior, consequences, and your feelings about it Avoid letting the other person change the subject Phrase your solution to focus on common ground Think what you will say first; be brief and precise Disengage

How To Do It Listen to nonverbal and verbal cues Respond empathically: genuine interest/concern Paraphrase problem; ask questions to clarify Seek common ground Ask the other person to suggest alternatives How To Do It

Resolving Conflicts Through Collaboration Initiating conflict appropriately Think through what you will say before you confront the other person, so that your request will be brief and precise State ownership of the apparent problem Describe the potential conflict in terms of the behavior you observe, the consequences, and your feelings about it Avoid letting the other person change the subject Phrase your solution in a way that focuses on common ground Resolving Conflicts Through Collaboration

Collaboration: Responding to Conflict Effectively Disengage emotionally Listen to nonverbal cues as well as to the verbal message Respond empathically with genuine interest and concern

Paraphrase your understanding of the problem and ask questions to clarify issues Seek common ground by finding some aspect of the complaint to agree with Ask the person to suggest alternatives

Before the Conflict Try to fight in private Be ready to deal with the conflict at hand Know what you’re fighting about Fight about problems that can be solved Before the Conflict

A Model of Conflict Resolution Define the conflict: Define both content and relationship issues Use specific terms Empathize Avoid mind reading Examine possible solutions: Look for win–win solutions Weigh the costs and rewards of solutions Seek solutions in which both share the costs and rewards

A Model of Conflict Resolution (continued) Test a solution: Test mentally: how does it feel now? How comfortable is it? Test in actual practice: How does it work? Evaluate the solution: Did it resolve the conflict? Is the situation better? Is the solution worth the costs for each? Are rewards about even?

A Model of Conflict Resolution (continued) Accept or reject the solution: If you accept, put it into operation! If you reject, test another solution or redefine the conflict

Learn from the conflict and the process you used in trying to resolve it Keep the conflict in perspective Attack your negative feelings Increase the exchange of rewards and cherishing behaviours After the Conflict

Complete the test on page 246-7 Test Yourself

Productive Conflict Management Strategies Fight actively Talk Be supportive Use face-enhancing strategies Use empathy Use an open expression Present focus Stay above the belt Don’t be argumentative

Unproductive Conflict Management Strategies Avoidance Force Defensiveness Blame Silencers Hitting below the belt Aggressiveness

Verbal Aggressiveness Inflicts psychological pain Attacks the other’s self-concept Disconfirms Seeks to discredit the other’s view of self Verbal Aggressiveness

Complete this in your EZ Guide Test Yourself

Argumentativeness: A Quality to be Cultivated – willingness to argue for a point of view on a significant issue Treat disagreements as objectively as possible Avoid attacking the other person Reaffirm the other’s sense of competence Avoid interrupting Stress quality and similarities Express interest in the other person’s position, attitude, and point of view Avoid presenting your arguments too emotionally Allow the other person to save face

Win-Win Method Identify Your Problem and Unmet Need The ownership of the problem almost always belongs to the person who raises the problem. Win-win is rarely used. Buy-in to competition, lack of knowledge and the need for cooperation are barriers to using the win-win method.

Complete Skill Buidling Exercise in your EZ Guide Homework

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