Relationships Matter Self Determination Conference November 8-10, 2010 Patricia Miles Patterson, LCSW Midwest Center for Psychotherapy and Sex Therapy 6300 University Ave, Suite 125 Middleton Wisconsin

Topics for today Talk about relationships and sexuality Making a life enhancing relationship Supporting an individual/couple in a life enhancing relationship

Disability Barriers The disability may create barriers autism spectrum disorders traumatic Brain Injury movement Disorders tactile defensiveness concrete thinking and processing positioning, techniques May limit access to information and support braille written aides comfort levels

It is not always about the disability Sometimes I just want to be human

It is not always about the Disability! Relationships and sexuality have very little to do with a disability We all want to be special to someone Relationships of all kinds can enhance our lives so can sexuality Sexuality is part of the human condition

Social Attitudes Create barriers to information, access to relationships, opportunity, privacy, help/support Disability first Not competent Not capable (of loving)(of giving)(of understanding) Our own attitudes and comfort levels interfere with “real” conversations

There is no greater gift than to love and be loved

What do WE want? Permission to have our thoughts and feelings. A person who will LISTEN A person who has knowledge and information Who can make suggestions for soothing, action, knowledge Some one with specialized training in listening, providing information, supporting feelings, thoughts and help making decisions

How do we get it? What do I want? What do I feel? What are my resources? Where can I get the information?

Yikes!!?? For support providers Am I askable? Am I willing? What are my resources? What are my barriers? What is my role? permission giver information provider coach

Love is not enough

Relationships?

Relationships Develop over time Mutual Respect for boundaries, each other Listening Empathy Trust – taking risks Talking about dreams, problems, feelings….

Relationships Mirror individual development Outgrowth of personality style Shaped by life events Just one of which is the disability!

Stages of Growth Courtship – getting to know you, you are wonderful Dealing with Differences – what happened? You are not who I thought you were Balancing self within and outside the relationship – what happened to “me” Wow – you, me and us

Special Problems Impact on us of past history, “myth-beliefs” Guardianship Religious beliefs Economy Conflicting Values And….

Privacy What private are we talking about? private conversations private places private body parts Appropriate person, place Inappropriate person, place

Thank you David Hingsburger I Contact Thank you John Gottman Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work

Sex ?!?

“Myth-information” Love = happily ever after Sex is naturally perfect if we love each other Sex = intercourse If you love me, you will know…

Impacted by: What we learned When we learned it How we learned it

What is sex anyhow? Our gender Our feelings, thoughts, behaviors (sex roles) Our sense of being male or female Our orientation Our experience: what, where, when, how we learned… How we interact with others

Finally!!! Anatomy Sexual Behaviors Orientation Reproduction Sexually Transmitted Infections

False Ideas about sex Uncontrollable Hurtful Commodity Secretive No moral boundaries

Healthy ideas about sexual behaviors Natural biologic drive Powerful healing energy Part of life Conscious and responsible Expression of love Mutually desired Having a healthy relationship!

Healthy Sexuality Consent: capacity to make decision (may be situation related and risk); knowledge about the decision; absence of coercion Equality: power dynamics Respect Trust Safety

Touching Continuum of touch touching public body parts holding playful contact hugging kissing soothing/stroking massage sexual pleasuring/erotic touching/private body parts

Resources Couwenhoven, Terri. Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality: A Guide for Parents and Professionals, Woodbine House 2007 Gottman, John. Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, CA: Three Rivers Press Hingsburger, D. I Contact: Sexuality and People with Developmental Disabilities. 1990, Vida Publishing.

More Kaufman, Miriam, Cory Silverberg and Fran Odette, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, CA:Cleis Press, Inc 2007 has a list of on line dating services Kroll, Ken and Erica Levy Klein, Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships for People with Disabilities (and the People who Care About Them) New York: Harmony Books, Schwier, Karin Melberg, Couples with Intellectual Disabilities Talk about Living and Loving, Woodbine House, 1994

Websites