 Raising Values-Driven Boys Challenges for the Intentional Parent St. Margaret’s Episcopal School Feb. 13, 2013 Dr. Jeffrey Nagel Dr. Kay Ostensen Ryan Sears

Agenda v Brain Development & Stages v Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men v Coaching & Accessing Support Systems v Ryan Sears - One Young Man’s Example of Service v The Search Institute’s Study of Asset-Building v “The Blessing” Coming of Age Ceremony

Brain Development  Children’s basic needs (including safety and nurturing) must be met in order for them to develop and/or use concrete or abstract thinking.  Limit setting provides needed structure and predictability.  Patterns and routine create healthy brain development and allow the brain to put energy in higher level functioning.

Developmental Stages-- Erik Erickson

Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men q What is “intentional parenting”? q Many things parents do so well q Education q nurturing q introducing the wider world q teaching discernment q modeling value choices q praying/playing q building self-confidence through warm attention and encouragement

6 Parenting Boys as They Become Young Men- cont’d  Challenges for boys in our society  academic and social pressure  competition  verbal and physical bullying discomfort dealing with puberty  influence of the media, etc.

Red Flags v Red flags to note, reflecting “over-the-top” anxiety or depression: v Social withdrawal v Irritability v Inability to focus v Drop in grades v Defensive/hot temper v Increase in sleep v Change in appetite

Ways to Respond to Signs of Stress or Depression Ø Accept his emotions and responses. Ø Help him to learn to label emotions and feelings Ø Assist in learning to recognize when feelings are building (anxiety, anger, frustration, fear, anticipation). Ø Support him in learning warning signs for when stress or “the blues” are becoming unmanageable. Ø Teach self-regulation and ways to relax.

Appropriate Responses (cont’d) Ø Teach healthy ways of expressing feelings. Ø Model and teach problem-solving skills.. Ø Recognize and praise appropriate social skills and self- control. Ø Assist in finding stress-reducing, calming activities.

Coaching from the Sidelines ² Set expectations of being respectful towards all, without having to like everyone. ² Avoid over-investment in your son’s social life. ² Help your son to speak directly about the issues. ² Empathize and explore possible solutions when problems arise. ² Manage your own stress - exercise, rest, relax, play..

Coaching (cont’d) ² Validate your son’s feelings. ² Help him to say “no.” ² Parents can always be “the bad guy.” ² Respect his decisions. ² Process and follow-thru with positive or negative consequences. ² Process issues together or provide a support network to do so

Teach Your Son How to Access Persons in the Support Network that Surrounds Him ü School counselor ü School Administrators ü Teachers ü Coaches ü Therapists ü Clergy Grandparents and extended family Siblings Youth groups Neighbors Mentors

 More on Cyber Issues: Limit Listen Limit

A Few Parting “Parent-to-Parent Tips” v Look for and seize opportunities for reflection and conversation. v Teach skills for your son to set boundaries with bullying behavior - v Be direct and firm: “Please stop.” v Use “I Statements”. v Brainstorm ideas for alternative activities, when stress is occurring (increasing coping skills). v Let him know that adults are there to help. v Plan for regular family time, both structured (dinner/vacations) and “free.”

 Ryan Sears - one young man’s dedication to service

Developmental Assets Search Institute’s model on Positive Youth Development

Framework  Search Institute conducted surveys of over 350,000 6 th - 12 th grade students in 600 communities  Focus groups  Developed dataset and framework based on research in the areas of:  Positive Youth Development  Prevention  Resiliency

Protecting Youth from High-Risk Behavior Assets11-20 Assets21-30 Assets Assets Problem Alcohol Use 45%26%11%3% Violence62%38%18%6% Illicit Drug Use38%18%6%1% Sexual Activity34%23%11%3%

Protection from High-Risk Behaviors

Promoting Positive Attitudes and Behaviors 0-10 Assets11-20 Assets21-30 Assets31-40 Assets Exhibits Leadership 48%66%78%87% Maintains Good Health 27%48%69%88% Values Diversity 39%60%76%89% Succeeds in School 9%19%34%54%

Promoting Positive Attitudes and Behaviors

The Blessing: the use of positive affirmation and setting values-based expectations  Based on the Old Testament principle of passing on the covenant (promise) of God.  The covenant that was received was passed on from father to son for generations.  It is both an affirmation of the individual and the setting of expectations.  It is a recognition of the past and creating a vision for the future.

The Blessing: real life example  On 13 th birthday  Gathering of the family  Reading of a blessing from various family members  The promise given to be beside our son through the trials ahead.  The Blessing to be repeated upon graduation from High School.

An excerpt from a blessing  It is our hope that you are, indeed, firmly planted. We intend to nourish you and help you to grow into a future that holds many promises. Psalm 1 talks about leaves that do not wither, and it is our hope that you will be able to weather the storms of life in a way that allows you to stand strong without withering. It is this hope that we want to help you understand. Not that life will be without challenges or adversity, but that you have a foundation that allows you to stand firm. and that we as your parents will be beside you to support you.

Impact of positive affirmation  Filling the glass  Example from clinical practice  jh

Group Discussion Thank you for you for joining us today ~ Dr. Jeff, Dr. Kay & Ryan