DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS

Dealing with Difficult People

Have you met this person?

True or False: Most people don’t consider themselves difficult.

What’s the point? These people are everywhere; you cannot avoid them entirely. Unfortunately, they often hold positions of power. Give them the chance, and they will make you miserable. You can’t change them, but you can change the way you react to them. Changing how you react to these people will improve the quality of your life.

Objectives Today's Training Objectives: Identify common behaviours difficult people exhibit Describe feelings these behaviours often elicit in others Specify behaviours these feelings typically elicit, and Discuss practical ways for minimising the disruptive impact these people have on your life. What are your personal objectives for attending this workshop? Discuss with the person sat next to you. For most of us, less than 50% of our time is actually spent writing. Other time is spent solving problems, gathering information, attending meetings, working with teams of cross-functional associates. Inevitably, we encounter conflict, sometimes with people who we find difficult to work with. To get our jobs done effectively, we need to be able to work with difficult people.

What are the factors that make people difficult?

Difficult People Take 5 minutes in your groups to brainstorm 1 or 2 examples in each of these categories:

What makes people difficult? Someone wants something you can’t give them Someone wants something you won’t give them Someone refuses to listen

What makes people difficult? 4. Someone makes threats; is disruptive & abusive 5. Someone violates rules or commits an illegal act 6. Someone takes a problem to the wrong individual

Typical Behaviours that difficult people exhibit? They are insensitive and demanding. They are aggressive and hostile. They are vulgar and insulting. They are hateful, arrogant and demeaning. They are rude and uncivilised. They are unresponsive and irresponsible. They are dishonest and conniving. They are uncooperative. They are sensitive, suspicious and intent on blaming someone else. They are stupid and ignorant and blissfully unaware of it.

Confronted with such behaviour, how do we sometimes feel? Angry Resentful Helpless Hopeless Worthless Frightened Intimidated Annoyed Revengeful Overwhelmed Hostile Inferior Threatened Hurt Insulted Frustrated Used Hateful Etc.

How might these feelings incline us to behave? Withdraw Nag Argue Give up Explain Talk behind others’ backs Ruminate Gossip Try harder to please Plot revenge And so on

How do you define conflict? What words come to your mind when you hear the word conflict? unavoidable challenging directly flexible inevitable human politics necessary frustrated uncomfortable stressful friction tired distracting obstacle unfortunate Point out that most words are negative which is universal; however, conflict does not have to be all bad

What is conflict? When two or more people do not share the same beliefs, interests, or goals Conflict is natural and inevitable Conflict is uncomfortable and stressful The goal of conflict resolution is not to eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to handle it constructively conflict often comes with change; how well we mange our conflict determines how well we adapt to change eliminating conflict too quickly can drive the conflict underground goal is to capture the power of the ideas that drive the conflict Quality of decisions is higher when there is open opposition and resistance by subordinates Positive conflict resolution requires a feeling of interdependence Real stability and strength may result only when conflict is permitted and even encouraged

Why are people difficult? Feeling thwarted or threatened Exceptional levels of stress Your reactions to their difficult behaviour which reinforces the behaviour by increasing the stress they already feel Learned behaviour (getting their way) Inflexibility (on both sides)

What can you do about it? You can’t change other people Learn to appreciate and draw upon the different strengths of difficult people Focus on coping with difficult behaviour (adapting to other communication styles) change your attitude about the difficult person change your behaviour

What are some effective behavioural strategies for dealing with difficult people? Label them.* Neutralise them.* Understand them. Accept them. Inform them. Involve them. Ignore them. Convert them. Avoid them. Expose them. Circumvent them. Use them. Persuade them. Confront them.* Rehabilitate them. Discourage them. Ridicule them. Isolate them. Punish them. Fire them.

Label them. Why should I? How can I? Acknowledges they are different Recognises their need to be “managed,” not befriended Initiates the management process Minimises your unrealistic expectations Reminds you to become emotionally detached Signals need to reach for suitable tools Legitimises others’ perceptions Forces you to take personal responsibility How can I? Remain sensitive to your own emotional arousal. Recognise the need to choke off your emotional arousal. Imagine a sticky note labeled, “A Real Nut” attached to their foreheads. View them as impaired (they are). Pity them. Concentrate on observing their behaviour. Reflect on why someone might behave so unproductively—as a distraction, not as their therapist.

Neutralise them. Why should I? Removes incendiary behaviour from an emotionally flammable environment Minimises their desired response—fear and withdrawal Starves their fire Limits emotional contagion Protects more vulnerable personalities Minimises workplace disruption Takes initiative away from social miscreant How can I? Take notes. Avoid eye contact. Act sleepy and bored. Comment on their emotional arousal. Ask them why they are repeating themselves. Ask them what constructive things they have tried. Ask them what they want you to do. Warn them, then hang up the phone.

Confront them. Why should I? How can I? Challenges others’ tolerance Worries those who collude with misbehavers Disrupts usual response patterns Signals who’s in charge Provides relief from feelings of helplessness Gives prior victims hope Reaffirms your commitment to organisation’s stated values Encourages others to take the same vigorous action How can I? Document their behaviour. Ignore suspected motives, but record behaviour in descriptive detail. Focus on patterns instead of isolated occurrences. Line up witnesses. Give emotions time to dissipate. Nail down the support you need. Confront in love and respect. Refuse to be distracted. Attach consequences and describe next steps. Deliver on your promises.

10 Common Difficult behaviours Sherman Tanks Snipers Exploders Know-it-all Experts Think-they-know-it-all Super-Agreeables Indecisives Unresponsives Negativists Complainers

Sherman Tanks Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational Feel strong need to prove that their view of the world is always right Get irritated or angry if sense resistance See tasks as clear and concrete Value assertiveness and confidence hostile aggressive stimulated by rage or weakness impatient if others don’t see “the obvious” immediately Short-term gains with long-term loses

Snipers Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to make you look foolish in groups Hides behind crowds and social constraints Often very witty Share Tank’s strong sense of how others should act but is often unrealistic Can turn into a Tank if exposed rarely results in action like the tank response to an unresolved or unheeded problem often do to bosses because perceive they have power to affect organisation even if untrue

Exploders Adult tantrum, rage barely under control When person feels thwarted and threatened May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming Creates highest amount of resentment among others of all behaviours

Know-it-all Experts Highly productive, thorough and accurate thinkers, careful planners Believe facts and knowledge provide stability; answers lie within themselves Low tolerance for correction/contradiction Condescending, don’t wait for others to catch up to their thought process or seek input from others Bramson calls them bulldozers feel very in control of their lives

Think-they-know-it-alls Seek the admiration and respect of others by trying to act like experts when they are not Don’t always know they are not experts Curious people; like to learn a little about a lot of things Bramson calls them balloons not so much to be liked but to be thought well of and seen as a person of importance

Super-Agreeables Want to be liked and loved by everyone Make others feel liked and approved of Tell you things that are satisfying to hear Often use humor to ease conversation Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t deliver because they are over-committed Can secretly be resentful of doing so much

Indecisives Put off making important decisions because they don’t want to hurt anyone Have high standards Strive to help people Usually stall until the decision is made

Unresponsives Close down, even when asked direct question (answer yes, no, I don’t know) Clam up when you need a response or expect conversation Difficult to determine why they are silent

Complainers Find fault with everything, complain constantly, accusatory, prescriptive Feel someone should be doing something but feel helpless to take action Have distinct idea of what should be done Usually is some truth to their complaints Not same as legitimate complaint or getting something off your chest (they focus on getting something done) can even turn on boss to make them apologise/sidetrack their complaining keeps them (in their minds) blameless, innocent, and morally perfect feel not responsible place responsibility to fix on others, demonstrate badness of others (implying their goodness) Includes complainers who gossip about others to you

Negativists Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have little power over their lives Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers Bring others down quickly Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That won’t work” without looking for solutions

If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships--the ability of all people, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace. --- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Acknowledge Positive Intent FOCUS ON TASKS Control (to get the job done) Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls Perfection (to get it right) Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives positive intent the more you know about what threatens a person , the more you can learn what threatens him/her (201, Bramson)

Acknowledge Positive Intent FOCUS ON PEOPLE Approval Seeking (to get along) Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists Attention Getting (to get appreciation) Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers positive intent the more you know about what threatens a person , the more you can learn what threatens him/her (201, Bramson)

10 Coping Methods Sherman Tanks Snipers Super-Agreeables Exploders Know-it-all Experts Think-they-know-it-all Super-Agreeables Indecisives Unresponsives Negativists Complainers

Sherman Tanks Get it done Stand up for yourself without fighting Give them time to run down Don’t worry about being polite, just get in Get their attention, carefully Get them to sit down Speak from your own point of view Avoid a head-on fight Be ready to be friendly hostile aggressive stimulated by rage or weakness impatient if others don’t see “the obvious” immediately Short-term gains with long-term loses don’t argue with what the other person says or try to cut him or her down maintain eye contact repeat their name to get their attention “you interupted me”

Snipers Get it done Get appreciated Surface the attack immediately Give the sniper an out (ask questions) Seek group confirmation or denial of the sniper’s criticism Move on to solve any problems uncovered rarely results in action like the tank response to an unreolved or unheeded problem often do to boses because perceive they have power to affect organisation even if untrue prevent sniping by setting up regular problem solving meetings if you’re a third party to the sniping, stay out of the mjiddle of it but insist that it stop in front of you

Exploders Get appreciated Give them time to run down Show that you take them seriously Interrupt the interaction Interrupt the interaction (breather or privacy)

Know-it-all Experts Get it done Do your homework Listen and acknowledge Question firmly, but don’t confront Ask extensional questions to get details Acknowledge their competence Make time for reflection As last resort, let them be the expert Bramson calls them bulldozers feel very in control of their lives

Think-they-know-it-alls Get appreciated State the facts as an alternative version Give them a way out Bramson calls them balloons not so much to be liked but to be thought well of and seen as a person of importance

Super-agreeables Get along Make honestly non-threatening Be personal - when you can Listen to their humor Be prepared to compromise Get along

Indecisives Get along Establish a comfort zone Surface the issues Help them problem solve (make decision) Reassure after decision is made Strengthen the relationship

Unresponsives Get it right Ask open-ended questions Use the friendly, silent stare Don’t fill the space Comment on what’s happening If clam opens up, listen rather than talk If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and reschedule don’t try to interpret what silence means, ask questions if after rescheduling you don’t get anywhere, announce what your assumptions are about lack of response and tell what action you will take

Negativists Get it right Avoid getting drawn in State your own realistic optimism Don’t argue Don’t rush into proposing solutions Set a horror floor Use comments to make decisions Be ready to take action on your own

Complainers Get it right Listen attentively to their complaints Acknowledge what they say Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledge Don’t agree or apologise State the facts without comment and apology Move quickly into problem solving Not same as legitimate complaint or getting something off your chest (they focus on getting something done) can even turn on boss to make them apologise/sidetrack their complaining keeps them (in their minds) blameless, innocent, and morally perfect feel not responsible place responsibility to fix on others, demonstrate badness of others (implying their goodness) Includes complainers who gossip about others to you

The person who grabs the cat by the tail learns about 44 percent faster than the one just watching. --- Mark Twain

Acknowledge Positive Intent Control (to get the job done) Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls Perfection (to get it right) Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives Approval Seeking (to get along) Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists Attention Getting (to get appreciation) Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers positive intent the more you know about what threatens a person , the more you can learn what threatens him/her (201, Bramson)

Basic Strategy (time to think) Describe the behaviour in detail Write down your understanding of behaviour Review your interaction with this person (what worked and didn’t work) Choose the proper coping behaviour What do you need to learn and practice Create an action plan and follow through

Basic Strategy (on the spot) Determine positive intent/valued criteria Listen (but stop destructive behaviour) Summarise (length depends on behaviour) Clarify questions to collect details

Basic Strategy (on the spot) Speak to be heard State your positive intent Tell your story from your point of view Don’t damage the relationship, if possible

Conclusion Coping with difficult people is never easy and hardly ever fun Getting along with other people, even the difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as good writing and Java scripting

Conclusion Practice coping techniques in safe situations Avoid attributing internal motives to behaviour; assume good intentions Remember that everybody is somebody’s difficult person at least some of the time

Recommended Books Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People. Dell Publishing. New York: 1981. Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People Styles at Work. American Management Association. New York: 1996 Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: 1994.

Do’s Of Resolving Conflict Use key communication principles -Face to Face, Telephone, Email, Etc. Be positive and patient Focus on the problem, NOT the person Keep an open mind

More Do’s Explore all alternatives for resolving the conflict Try to understand the other person’s point of view Seek the other person’s ideas End on a positive note

Don’ts Of Resolving Conflict Pre-judge people Assume you have all the facts Focus on the other person’s attitude, personality, or presumed motive Meet practical needs at the expense of personal needs

Don’ts Of Resolving Conflict React immediately; on emotional high React - respond Take it personally Cut the other person off Disrespect the other person Raise your voice

Conclusion Maintain or enhance self-esteem Listen and respond with empathy Ask for their help Encourage their involvement Make it a win/win for both sides