How to effectively affirm your child “Throwing negative statements away, NOT YOUR CHILD” Parental Workshop

Situational introduction IMAGINE… Young man inspired by an English teacher starts writing poetry at15 years old. Now young man wants to be a writer. Parent comes home from work stressed, yells at son about messy room, and tells him his poetry practice is getting on her nerves, and that he is wasting his time writing poetry. Son, Starts to fail English, and tells his teacher he does not care anymore.

IMPORTANT QUESTION What do you think caused this young man to lose interest in something he loved, and ultimately cause him to start failing his English class?

Parents set the tone in their homes Parents play a lead role in setting the overall tone in their families. Parents whose overall tone tends to be negative often have homes filled with stress and tension. (Slattengren, ND)

Caught instead of taught Children learn how to communicate by watching their parents. If parents communicate openly and effectively, chances are that their children will, too. Good communication skills will benefit children for their entire lives. Children begin to form ideas and beliefs about themselves based on how their parents communicate with them. (Long & Zolten, 1997)

The Video http://www.blueribbonmovie.com/ Let’s view this video to see why it is vitally important for children to communicate with their parents in a healthy manner.

Biblical Worldview Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it shall eat it’s fruit.”

Shocking Stastistic Kaiser Permanente reported, American parents report spending 38.5 minutes weekly having a meaningful conversation with their children, but the average American home has the TV on 7 hours and 45 minutes daily. (Burke, M, 2004) 168 hours in week. Equals=167.21 672 hours in month 8,064 hours in a year. 30.8 hours talking

Questions Have you ever said something to you to child that you wish you could retract? Is there anything you wished you would have said to your child, but didn’t? Everyday we have the Opportunity to speak life.

Adolescents In Christian Counseling, Collins (1988) reported adolescence means a period of growth and maturity when young people are growing and going through this particular stage of life, it is very important that they maintain healthy communication with parents, teachers, and whoever has influence over life during this stage.

Activity (Changing your deposites) Glass (water) Write negative statements Write positive statements This object lesson is to show you how easy the temperament, mood, atmosphere, and attitude of a child can change simply by the words that are deposited into them.

Words from Parents WORDS CAN CHANGE: Perspective (worldview) What is contained (Belief system) Foundation (Standards) Feeling (Self-esteem/Emotions) Influence (Respect)

Replacing Negative Statements with Positive Statements Examples of negative statements: You can’t do it, you’re not talented enough. You get on my nerves. Just leave me alone right now, give me a break. Can that wait, it’s not that important. How long are you going to fail your classes? Why can’t you be like your sister? You’re on punishment, don’t ask me for anything. You’re average I can’t make it tonight Not today, I’m busy.

Positive statements Examples You can do it, I believe in you. How was your day? Tell me about it. I care about how you feel. I can’t wait to spend time with you. I’m glad you’re my child. You are so smart. Don’t worry, you can overcome this. I believe you have what it takes. If you need help, I will do whatever it takes to help you.

Results of Positive Statements Better behavior More self-confidence Weaken peer-pressure Better performance in school Strengthened relationship between child and parent Open communication between child and parent Belief in their future.

Power of the Spoken word from Parents When parents communicate effectively with their children, they are showing them respect. Children then begin to feel that they are heard and understood by their parents, which is a boost to self-esteem. On the other hand, communication between parents and children that is ineffective or negative can lead children to believe that they are unimportant, unheard, or misunderstood. Such children may also come to see their parents as unhelpful and untrustworthy. (Long & Zolten, 1997)

Four ways to affirm your child Praise- Affirming children with encouraging words. (When child does well in school, win a ball game, or nice outfit, do something remarkable, or for no reason at all.) Reward-Affirming children with tangible items (Movie, certificate, favorite dinner, special activity.) Time-Affirming children with quality time. (Children spell love TIME.) Investing- Affirming children by investing in their dreams (Sing, music, arts and crafts, education)

Children Learn What They Live By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

References Burke, M.(2004).http://www.permanente.net/homepage/kaiser/pages/f 23770.html Collins, G. R. (1988). Christian counseling: A comprehensive guide. Revised Edition. W Publishing Group. Corey, G. (2009). Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. (8th Ed.) Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education. Kristen, Z. Long, N. (1997) Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences http://www.parentinged.org/handout3/General%20Parenting%20Information/p arent%20to%20child.htm Slattengren, K. (ND). http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/whats_the_tone_of_your_home