SEQUENCING, SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PRECISE PHRASES, & PARTICULAR TONE

VARY THE SENTENCE OPENINGS Original There is therapeutic power in shopping. Trying out everything and anything that interests me. Then deciding if it "fits." Hobbies, majors, boys. I do not know what is the best fit for me. I try several different things. I find the perfect fit. I can be one hundred percent sure about it regardless of what others might think or say. I shop in all aspects of my life. I find reassurance and confidence in myself. My personal therapy for everything in my life: shopping. This I believe. Revised There is therapeutic power in shopping. Nothing helps boost my confidence like a new outfit; as shallow as that may seem, it is true. When I will be in a stressful situation, knowing I am looking my best in a brand new outfit boosts my confidence and suddenly no matter how big or important the task before me is, I am ready to not only tackle it but to excel at it. Even something as small as a new piece of jewelry or a pair of new shoes will do the trick. Perhaps I believe in retail therapy because I was once taught that the most important thing I could do every morning before I left my house was to spend as much time as I needed to look my best, so that the moment I stepped out the door my focus was on everyone else instead of me.

GET RID OF SHORT CHOPPY SENTENCES Techniques Combine two sentences with conjunctions: and, but, or, nor, yet, for, so Link sentences through subordination: after, although, as, as if, because, before, even if, even though, if, if only, rather than, since, that, though, unless, until, when, where, whereas, wherever, whether, which, while Embed sentences within each other: which, who, whoever, whom, that, whose Original There is therapeutic power in shopping. Trying out everything and anything that interests me. Then deciding if it "fits." Hobbies, majors, boys. I do not know what is the best fit for me. I try several different things. I find the perfect fit. I can be one hundred percent sure about it regardless of what others might think or say. I shop in all aspects of my life. I find reassurance and confidence in myself. My personal therapy for everything in my life: shopping. This I believe. Revised There is therapeutic power in shopping. Nothing helps boost my confidence like a new outfit; as shallow as that may seem, it is true. When I will be in a stressful situation, knowing I am looking my best in a brand new outfit boosts my confidence and suddenly no matter how big or important the task before me is, I am ready to not only tackle it but to excel at it. Even something as small as a new piece of jewelry or a pair of new shoes will do the trick. Perhaps I believe in retail therapy because I was once taught that the most important thing I could do every morning before I left my house was to spend as much time as I needed to look my best, so that the moment I stepped out the door my focus was on everyone else instead of me.

PRECISE PHRASING Original There is therapeutic power in shopping. Walking into a book store, feeling the books that have yet to be loved, smelling them as I flip through pages, and wandering through the aisles looking at the titles and covers of books as I try, unsuccessfully, to choose just one to bring home and live through, helps even the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day or makes the best day ever even better. Revised There is therapeutic power in shopping. Walking into a book store, feeling the crispness of books that have yet to be loved, smelling the clean freshness as I flip through the virgin pages, and losing all sense of time wandering through the aisles devouring the titles and covers of books as I try, unsuccessfully, to choose just one to bring home and live vicariously through, selvages even the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day or brightens the best day ever.

PARTICULAR TONE Original There is therapeutic power in shopping. Walking into a book store, feeling the books that have yet to be loved, smelling them as I flip through pages, and wandering through the aisles looking at the titles and covers of books as I try, unsuccessfully, to choose just one to bring home and live through, helps even the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day or makes the best day ever even better. Revised There is therapeutic power in shopping. Walking into a book store, feeling the crispness of books that have yet to be loved, smelling the clean freshness as I flip through the virgin pages, and losing all sense of time wandering through the aisles devouring the titles and covers of books as I try, unsuccessfully, to choose just one to bring home and live vicariously through, selvages even the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day or brightens the best day ever.

YOUR TURN!!! Revise your This I Believe Essay rough draft for sentence openings, choppiness, precise phrasing, and particular tone. There must be proof of all four types of revision on you rough draft to receive full credit.