©2000 William L. Ury 1 The Third Side William L. Ury Harvard University (slides supplemented by Heidi Burgess)

©2000 William L. Ury 2 Two Sides of the Conflict Side 1Side 2

©2000 William L. Ury 3 When they can’t resolve their conflict, themselves, they sometimes seek the help of…. Side 1Side 2 Third parties

©2000 William L. Ury 4 Side 3 Third Parties are neutrals who help resolve conflicts Side 1Side 2 Third Parties Mediators Arbitrators Facilitators

©2000 William L. Ury 5 Side 3 But sometimes you need more…or less. Side 1Side 2 Third Parties Mediators Arbitrators Facilitators

©2000 William L. Ury 6 Outsiders (e.g. neighbors, neutrals, bystanders) Third Siders are neutrals and partisans who help prevent, resolve & contain conflicts. 1 Insiders (e.g family, friends, the parties themselves) Side 1Side 2 1

©2000 William L. Ury 7 A Mobilized Community Everyone can be a Thirdsider

©2000 William L. Ury 8 Catching Conflict Before it Escalates Prevent Resolve Contain Power Struggle Overt Conflict Latent Tensions Destructive and/or Violent Conflict Conflict Escalation

©2000 William L. Ury 9 Third side roles Try this first  Then this  And/or this 

©2000 William L. Ury 10 Sometimes you need all at once!

©2000 William L. Ury 11 Prevent Sources of Tension Frustrated needs Poor skills Weak relationships Ways to Prevent The Provider The Teacher The Bridge-Builder

©2000 William L. Ury 12 Prevention The Provider - The basic roles of the provider are to share resources and knowledge, give others a sense of security, and help ensure that basic human needs are met. The Teacher - Sometimes people fight simply because they know of no other way to react when a need is frustrated and a serious difference arises. The roles of the teacher are to delegitimize violence, teach tolerance, and expose people to practical problemsolving. The Bridge Builder - The basic role of the bridge builder is to bring people together and help establish personal relationships.

©2000 William L. Ury 13 Resolve Sources of Conflict Conflicting interests Disputed rights Unequal power Injured relationships Ways to Resolve The Mediator The Arbiter The Equalizer The Healer

©2000 William L. Ury 14 Resolve The Equalizer - The central role of the equalizer is to empower the weak and unrepresented so that they can negotiate a fair and satisfactory resolution. This involves helping to bring the powerful to the table, building collaborative democracy, and supporting nonviolent action. The Mediator - The central roles of the mediator are to bring the parties to the table, facilitate communication, and help people to search for a solution. The Arbiter - Whereas a mediator can only suggest a solution, this person can decide what is right. Resolving disputes, promoting justice, and encouraging negotiation are the arbiter's central roles. The Healer - The role of the healer is to help parties overcome their feelings of anger, fear, humiliation, insecurity, and grief. This includes listening to people's grievances, acknowledging hurt feelings, and encouraging parties to apologize and make reparations.

©2000 William L. Ury 15 Contain Sources of Struggle No attention No limitation No protection Ways to Contain The Witness The Referee The Peacekeeper

©2000 William L. Ury 16 Contain The Witness - The witness watches out for early warning signals, goes on patrol and reports violent incidents, and calls for the attention of other community members. The Referee - The referee establishes rules for fair fighting, takes away dangerous weapons, and strengthens defenses. The Peacekeeper - The central role of the peacekeeper is to provide protection. This includes interposing between parties, enforcing the peace, and preempting violence before it starts.

©2000 William L. Ury 17 Third Side Exercise – Racial Profiling/Police Shootings Ferguson, MO Staten Island Cleveland

©2000 William L. Ury 18 Third Side Exercise

©2000 William L. Ury 19 Third Side Exercise news/boulder/ci_ /act ivists-again-massing-boulder- ferguson-protest

©2000 William L. Ury 20 Third Side Exercise Is there a better way to make a difference? Consider using The Third Side!

©2000 William L. Ury 21 Hypothesis: You are a UCB student, who is deeply concerned about racial profiling at CU, in Boulder, and in the US more widely. Or, you are concerned about the raising racial tensions these incidents both reveal and cause. Question 1: What Third Side Roles COULD YOU play in Boulder to have an effect on this conflict IN BOULDER? (Name them; describe what, exactly, you could do)

©2000 William L. Ury 22 Question 2: What other third side roles could be brought to bear on the conflict in Boulder? –Who could play these roles? –What could/should they do?

©2000 William L. Ury 23 Question 3: What Third Side Roles COULD YOU play to have an effect on this conflict more broadly? (Name them; describe what, exactly, you could do)

©2000 William L. Ury 24 Question 4: What other third side roles could be brought to bear on the conflict nationally? –Who could play these roles? –What could/should they do?

©2000 William L. Ury 25 Third Side Tools Diagnostic tool:

©2000 William L. Ury 26 Third side skills “Seeing from the Third Side” Go to the Balcony. The Balcony is a mental place of calm and perspective – above and away from the fray. You can see things from the balcony that you can’t see from the ground floor…. What might you see?

©2000 William L. Ury 27 Third side skills There are three simple steps for going to the balcony : 1)Stop 2)Look 3)Listen.

©2000 William L. Ury 28 Third side skills Stop! Take time to prepare or Take a time out Count to 10 Take a deep breath Remember "Everything starts by stopping"

©2000 William L. Ury 29 Third side skills Look Look inside yourself - look at your natural reaction to take sides, ignore and escape. Name your emotions. Have your emotions (rather than be them) Examine your interests. Are they being served with a fight? Consider your needs. Will you get them through escalation?

©2000 William L. Ury 30 Third side skills Listen Hear your feelings out so you don't have to act them out Listen to understand Use a friend or colleague as your 'balcony'.

©2000 William L. Ury 31 3S Skills - Listen from the Thirdside This means “stepping to both sides. We often predispose ourselves to seeing the world one way. Listening allows us on opportunity to see from multiple vantage points and allows us to see the whole. Listening is a simple way to show respect. A third-sider listens to learn, not to rebut. Remember to go to the Balcony if you find yourself defending a perspective or listening to rebut.

©2000 William L. Ury 32 3S Skills - Listen from the Thirdside In order to Step to Both Sides you need to: 1.Put Yourself in the Other’s Shoes, 2.Listen and Acknowledge, 3.Ask Problem-Solving Questions, 4.and Listen for Action.

©2000 William L. Ury 33 3S Skills - Put yourself in the Other's shoes Understand how each side sees the situation Understand how each side feels What you see depends on where you sit

©2000 William L. Ury 34 3S Skills - Listen and Acknowledge Listen more than you talk Paraphrase Acknowledge the point and the person

©2000 William L. Ury 35 3S Skills - Ask Problem Solving Questions Ask open ended questions Ask questions to which they do not know the answers Ask questions many ways Tap the power of silence

©2000 William L. Ury 36 3S Skills - Listen for Action What is waiting to happen? What is needed here? What is mine to do here? What are the opportunities for Third Side action?

©2000 William L. Ury 37 3S Skills - Speak from the Thirdside The Third Side is always present as a silent partner; In speaking from the Third Side we give it voice and draw attention to it.

©2000 William L. Ury 38 3S Skills - Speak from the Thirdside A powerful form of speaking can be simply asking good questions of the parties involved. –This alone serves to affirm the interests of the whole. – Asking questions also creates an opportunity for the parties to reflect on their situation and choices. –At times asking questions isn't enough to spark this process and, as thirdsiders, we can speak up to get people's attention.

©2000 William L. Ury 39 3S Skills - Speak from the Thirdside Three practical ways to speak from the Third Side are: 1.Interrupt Constructively, 2.Affirm Interests of the Whole, & 3.Support a Triple Win.

©2000 William L. Ury 40 3S Skills - Speak from the Thirdside Interrupt Constructively "Hey!" Interrupt action-reaction pattern Deliver a positive No Set a few simple groundrules for the conversation Refrain from personal attacks

©2000 William L. Ury 41 3S Skills - Speak from the Thirdside Affirm Interests of the Whole Don't Reject Their Interests, Affirm the Whole Shift from Either-Or to Both-And Deliver a Positive No

©2000 William L. Ury 42 3S Skills - Speak from the Thirdside Support a Triple Win Triple win: an inclusive outcome that failry meets the essential needs of both sides and the surrounding community. A way that works for everyone.

©2000 William L. Ury 43

©2000 William L. Ury 44 What Will It Take? THE THIRD SIDE A Mobilized Community Acting Systematically Motivated by a New Story Everyday thirdside actions YOU can take: