Chapter 16 Sex and Heartache

Quote for the day ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. -Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam A.H.H.

Did you know? An exclusive primary sex partner is associated with the lowest rates of negative feelings, as well as the highest rates of positive feelings. Does monogamy make people happier, or are happy people more likely to be monogamous?

How did sex make you feel?

Relationships can make you: Sad Mad Scared

Relationships can make you sad It is risky to take a chance on loving someone. Be sure your sadness is not related to clinical depression There can be a chemical basis for sadness that accompanies the loss of love. Sadness varies in intensity Is sadness really anger turned inwards?

Relationships can make you sad Loneliness –Our need to belong is one of the most fundamental and powerful motives –One crucial factor in avoiding loneliness is having some ongoing close relationships. –Two distinct types of loneliness: Social loneliness Emotional loneliness

Relationships can make you sad Loneliness –Prevalent among college students Social isolation –Marriage is associated with less loneliness –Coping with loneliness Accepting and reflecting on what you are experiencing Increasing social contacts Increasing your activity level

Relationships can make you sad Breaking Up –Long-term relationships dissolve for a variety of reasons –Interdependence Theory –Duck’s Phases of Dissolving a Relationship

Duck’s Phases of Dissolving a Relationship

Relationships can make you sad Breaking Up –Long-term relationships dissolve for a variety of reasons –Interdependence Theory –Duck’s Phases of Dissolving a Relationship –Cascade Model of Dissolving a Relationship

Cascade Model of Dissolving a Close Relationship

An Ordered Script for Relationship Dissolution?

How College Students Ended Their Last Relationship

What We Say Versus What We Mean

Relationships can make you sad Being dumped is even harder –Biggest difference between initiator and abandoned partner is PREPARATION. –Ending a relationship is usually painful, and sometimes it can be traumatic, or even dangerous –Motives for attempted/completed suicide Anger or revenge Absolution of self-blame through self-punishment Escape from unbearable suffering

Relationships can make you sad Being dumped is even harder –Some people are more sensitive to rejection Cognitive-affective processing Self-fulfilling prophecy –Dependent love is the basis of much of our popular culture –The quality of the relationship is not always a good indicator of how you’ll feel if it ends.

Relationships can make you sad Unrequited Love –Love that is not returned or reciprocated –Inevitable part of the process of searching for a mate –People are attracted to highly desirable partners, but they end up with partners about equal to themselves. –Unpleasant for both people involved –Romantic rejection is hard to communicate

Relationships can make you sad Unrequited Love –Principle of least interest: whoever is less in love has the most power –Unrequited love is not the same as a crush –Erotomania: a delusional belief that someone, often a celebrity, has a romantic interest. Typically lonely people who have had few sex partners and view their lives as a series of disappointments

Relationships can make you sad Guilt –Felt when we violate sexual values that we have established for ourselves or that are established for us –Anxiety or unhappiness resulting from feeling we have done something wrong –Feeling guilty about sex can be related to a belief that sex is immoral, sinful, or dirty.

How Guilty Would You Feel?

Relationships can make you mad Jealousy –Perceived threat to existing relationship –Unlike envy: desire to obtain something that someone else already has. –Two situations likely to activate jealousy: A threat to your self-esteem A threat to the relationship

Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy

Relationships can make you mad Jealousy –Jealousy appears to be a nearly universal human experience –Gender differences in sexual jealousy Sexual versus emotional infidelity –Coping with jealousy Male jealousy more likely to result in injury/killing Women typically blame themselves

Relationships can make you mad Conflict about sex can make you angry, sad or anxious –Sex can be a source of unacknowledged tension –Disagreement about sex may reflect other problems in the relationship. –Expressing anger almost always makes people angrier –Count to 10 –Anger versus aggression

Relationships can make you scared From a physiological perspective, anxiety and love are very much the same A certain amount of sexual anxiety might be helpful to some relationships Sometimes anxious feelings might be a warning that there is something wrong Each of us develops coping mechanism to help us take care of ourselves during stressful times.

Anxieties Associated with Nonmarital Sexual Intercourse

Relationships can make you scared Performance Anxiety –Sex is not an Olympic event Normalcy Anxiety –What is normal? Fear of Commitment and Intimacy –Not all emotionally intimate relationships are sexual, and not every sexually intimate relationship involves emotional intimacy.

Intimacy and Commitment

Relationships can make you scared Shyness –Social avoidance or social anxiety may be interpreted as disinterest, conceit, or snobbery –Shy people may have low interpersonal skills –Cognitive interference Sexual Phobias –Extreme irrational fears that are out of proportion to any real danger

Sexual Phobias