Skills for healthy relationships Chapter 6

Effective communication Communication: is the process of sharing information, thoughts, or feelings Communication: is the process of sharing information, thoughts, or feelings “I” Messages : a statement that expresses your feelings, but does not blame or judge the other person “I” Messages : a statement that expresses your feelings, but does not blame or judge the other person Example: “I am upset because we didn’t talk last night”Example: “I am upset because we didn’t talk last night” Active Listening : focusing your full attention on what the other person is saying and letting that person know you understand and care Active Listening : focusing your full attention on what the other person is saying and letting that person know you understand and care

Active Listening Looking at the speaker, nodding your head, facial expressionsLooking at the speaker, nodding your head, facial expressions Encourage the speaker to begin. “Do you want to talk about….”Encourage the speaker to begin. “Do you want to talk about….” Ask questions or state comments when they pauseAsk questions or state comments when they pause Avoid passing judgmentAvoid passing judgment Summarize the speaker’s ideas with phrases. “I heard you say…”Summarize the speaker’s ideas with phrases. “I heard you say…” Help speaker explore further. “Tell me more about…”Help speaker explore further. “Tell me more about…” Do not steer the conversation away from the speaker’s problemDo not steer the conversation away from the speaker’s problem

Effective communication cont’d Assertiveness:Assertiveness: Passive: holding back your true feelings and going along with another person Passive: holding back your true feelings and going along with another person Aggressive: communicate opinions and feelings in a way that may seem threatening or disrespectful to other people Aggressive: communicate opinions and feelings in a way that may seem threatening or disrespectful to other people Assertive: You are able to stand up for yourself while expressing your feelings in a way that does not threaten the other person Assertive: You are able to stand up for yourself while expressing your feelings in a way that does not threaten the other person

Passive Behaviors Hoping the other person will guess your feelingsHoping the other person will guess your feelings Always listening, rarely talkingAlways listening, rarely talking Denying your own feelings, making excusesDenying your own feelings, making excuses Criticizing yourself, always apologizingCriticizing yourself, always apologizing Always giving in to other peopleAlways giving in to other people Mumbling, looking away, fidgeting nervouslyMumbling, looking away, fidgeting nervously

Aggressive behaviors Using “you” messages to blame the other personUsing “you” messages to blame the other person Interrupting, being sarcasticInterrupting, being sarcastic Making fun of the other person’s feelingsMaking fun of the other person’s feelings Criticizing the other person, never giving a complimentCriticizing the other person, never giving a compliment Always wanting your wayAlways wanting your way Yelling, refusing to talk, finger pointing, glaring, using physical forceYelling, refusing to talk, finger pointing, glaring, using physical force

Assertive Behaviors Using “I” messages to explain your feelingsUsing “I” messages to explain your feelings Actively listening to the other personActively listening to the other person Trying to understand the other person’s feelingsTrying to understand the other person’s feelings Expressing appreciation, being respectfulExpressing appreciation, being respectful Seeking a compromise that does not go against either person’s valuesSeeking a compromise that does not go against either person’s values Speaking confidently and clearly, making eye contact, showing interestSpeaking confidently and clearly, making eye contact, showing interest

Effective communication cont’d Body Language: includes posture, gestures, facial expressions, and body movements Body Language: includes posture, gestures, facial expressions, and body movements Example: slouching in your chair during class, teacher may think you are bored or unpreparedExample: slouching in your chair during class, teacher may think you are bored or unprepared Mixed messages : body language doesn’t match spoken words Mixed messages : body language doesn’t match spoken words Example: smiling while you are saying something cruelExample: smiling while you are saying something cruel

Other skills for healthy relationships Cooperation: working together toward a common goal Cooperation: working together toward a common goal Cooperation builds strong relationships that are based on mutual trust, caring and responsibilityCooperation builds strong relationships that are based on mutual trust, caring and responsibility Compromise: the willingness of each person to give up something in order to reach agreement. Compromise: the willingness of each person to give up something in order to reach agreement. Possible solutionsPossible solutions When not to compromise: when something might be dangerous or goes against your valuesWhen not to compromise: when something might be dangerous or goes against your values When you are willing to compromise you let the other person know how important the relationship is to you. When you are willing to compromise you let the other person know how important the relationship is to you.

Friendships Friendships : a relationship based on mutual trust, acceptance and common interests or values Friendships : a relationship based on mutual trust, acceptance and common interests or values People look at their friends for honest reactions, encouragement during bad times, and understanding when they make a mistake.People look at their friends for honest reactions, encouragement during bad times, and understanding when they make a mistake. Interacting with others helps you build self-esteem and to learn about yourselfInteracting with others helps you build self-esteem and to learn about yourself

Types of friendships Casual friendsCasual friends Same school, live in the same neighborhood, same interests, work together, assigned projectsSame school, live in the same neighborhood, same interests, work together, assigned projects Close FriendsClose Friends Share similar goals, values, or interestsShare similar goals, values, or interests Personalities compliment each otherPersonalities compliment each other What’s important in a close friendship:What’s important in a close friendship: LoyaltyLoyalty HonestyHonesty EmpathyEmpathy ReliabilityReliability

Types of friendships Cont’d Friends of the Opposite Sex:Friends of the Opposite Sex: Gender roles : are the behaviors and attitudes that are socially accepted as either masculine or feminine Gender roles : are the behaviors and attitudes that are socially accepted as either masculine or feminine Vary from culture to cultureVary from culture to culture Friendships between males and females can be satisfying and close, but not involve romanceFriendships between males and females can be satisfying and close, but not involve romance Help you feel comfortable with the opposite sex and allows you to fully develop as a personHelp you feel comfortable with the opposite sex and allows you to fully develop as a person

Problems in friendships Envy and JealousyEnvy and Jealousy Envy can occur when one person has something that the other person desiresEnvy can occur when one person has something that the other person desires Jealousy can occur when a “best” friend wants to develop more close friendship and the first friend feels left outJealousy can occur when a “best” friend wants to develop more close friendship and the first friend feels left out These feelings are normal at timesThese feelings are normal at times If these feelings linger they can cause problemsIf these feelings linger they can cause problems CrueltyCruelty Friends may act cruel towards each other even if they haven’t done anything wrongFriends may act cruel towards each other even if they haven’t done anything wrong This behavior might have a hidden reason (problems at home, school or else whereThis behavior might have a hidden reason (problems at home, school or else where

Problems in friendships Cont’d CliquesCliques Clique : a narrow, exclusive group of people with similar backgrounds or interests Clique : a narrow, exclusive group of people with similar backgrounds or interests Sense of belonging, but can also deprive a person of forming friendships with a variety of peopleSense of belonging, but can also deprive a person of forming friendships with a variety of people Peer Pressure: a need to conform to the expectation of friends Peer Pressure: a need to conform to the expectation of friends Can be positive or negative depending on the situationCan be positive or negative depending on the situation

Violence in Dating relationships Dating Violence: a pattern of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse that occurs in a dating relationship Dating Violence: a pattern of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse that occurs in a dating relationship One partner uses the abuse to gain control of the other personOne partner uses the abuse to gain control of the other person Slapping when angrySlapping when angry Making fun of the other’s looks or abilitiesMaking fun of the other’s looks or abilities Constantly checking up on a person to see what they are doingConstantly checking up on a person to see what they are doing

The cycle of violence Tension-buildingTension-building Picks fightsPicks fights Acts jealous or possessiveActs jealous or possessive Criticizes or threatensCriticizes or threatens Has unpredictable mood swingsHas unpredictable mood swings Isolates victim from othersIsolates victim from others Violent EpisodeViolent Episode Uses forceUses force May use a weaponMay use a weapon Causes serious injuryCauses serious injury May destroy possessionsMay destroy possessions CalmCalm Asks for forgivenessAsks for forgiveness Makes promisesMakes promises Buys presentsBuys presents Is affectionateIs affectionate Denies the abuse happenedDenies the abuse happened

Warning signs of abuse Jealous when you talk to others, makes fun of you in front of othersJealous when you talk to others, makes fun of you in front of others They make all of the decisions and tries to control what you doThey make all of the decisions and tries to control what you do They have a history of bad relationshipsThey have a history of bad relationships You feel isolated from your friends and familyYou feel isolated from your friends and family You feel less self-confident. You worry about doing or saying the right things. You change how you behave to avoid an argumentYou feel less self-confident. You worry about doing or saying the right things. You change how you behave to avoid an argument

Date rape Date rape: when rape occurs during a date Date rape: when rape occurs during a date More then half of young women who are raped know the person who raped them.More then half of young women who are raped know the person who raped them. May use a “date rape drug”May use a “date rape drug” Men can be victims alsoMen can be victims also Emotional effects can last a long timeEmotional effects can last a long time

Ending the abuse Why would a teen remain in an abusive relationship or hide the abuse from others?Why would a teen remain in an abusive relationship or hide the abuse from others? May think the behavior is normalMay think the behavior is normal Females may think that males are supposed to act in a controlling mannerFemales may think that males are supposed to act in a controlling manner Physical aggression is a sign of masculinityPhysical aggression is a sign of masculinity Males may be ashamed to admit that they are being abusedMales may be ashamed to admit that they are being abused Some may believe they deserve to be abusedSome may believe they deserve to be abused

Ending the abuse First step to ending an abusive relationship is to admit that the abuse exists.First step to ending an abusive relationship is to admit that the abuse exists. Second step is to realize that you are not to blame for the abuse. You cannot change how the abuser behaves.Second step is to realize that you are not to blame for the abuse. You cannot change how the abuser behaves. Finally, you don’t have to deal with the problem on your own. Seek support of friends and family, teachers, counselor, doctor, social worker, or call an abuse hotline.Finally, you don’t have to deal with the problem on your own. Seek support of friends and family, teachers, counselor, doctor, social worker, or call an abuse hotline. Adults are legally required to report abuseAdults are legally required to report abuse