The Last Taboo

JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D. Professor, Santa Clara University Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos Father of a daughter and a son Frequent soccer and little league coach

OPENING QUESTIONS

When it comes to money and financial matters, it is common for members of a couple to have differences of opinion

WHY IS THIS SO? Greed and Fear Money as a taboo subject The “power” of money in a relationship money as “dirty” lack of knowledge on what money can and cannot bring (i.e. it can’t bring happiness) Guilt and competitiveness

From a couples’ therapist’s perspective…... Money conflicts are poly-determined They often have some factual numerical basis They always have emotional component They reflect beliefs and values They are usually hard to discuss effectively Many couples hold secrets about finances

Exercise Make a list of cliché’s about money that were present in your home when you were growing up. Compare your list with that of your partner. What are the similarities? What are the Differences?

OUR IDEAS AND FEELINGS ABOUT MONEY ARE LEARNED AT AN EARLY AGE

What cliché’s are being given to your children?

Exercise What’s important about money TO YOU?  What’s important about ___________ to you? Is there anything more important than __________ to you?

What’s important about money to you? Security Freedom improve my life and that of my family Win a competition Try to demonstrate personal self worth by financial wherewithal Improve the community

Exercise What do you find disquieting about your personal relationship to money? (i.e. saving/spending patterns)? What do you find disquieting about your partner’s relationship to money?

BLOCKS TO RESOLUTION OF MONEY ISSUES COMMUNICATION FISCAL PSYCHOLOGICAL

Men and Women (fathers and mothers) communicate DIFFERENTLY It’s not just because of the topic. When it comes to emotional topics,

What Differences do You Experience? What Differences do you see in others?

MEN UNDERSTAND AND RESPOND TO THEIR WORLD FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN MOTHERS DO IT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT

Gender & Communication men women Time limited Bottom line first One subject at a time Shoulder to shoulder Clear expectations Primarily informational Time open Story first Many subjects interwoven Face-to-face Open expectations Primarily relational

The Corpus Callosum Women’s (mothers’) unbreakable invisible emotional umbilical cord Serial problem solving Men’s based on the life and death implications of hunting and war Gender Communication Styles

I AM MALE Therefore I DO NOT MULTI-TASK

What’s the topic? Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?

SO, What does all this have to do with

As in all personal conversations Focus on “facts” and agreements More reliance on budget Solving problems by increasing earnings silence under stress will tend to blame Focus on internal reality, changing feelings Reliance on current needs identify problems to be discussed will talk when under stress will tend to blame MENWOMEN

Fiscal concerns Without actual numbers (not to the penny), discussions are all about fantasy Living within one’s means Agreements need to be kept or changed before action

Psychological Concerns The obvious topic may not be the “REAL” issue Styles with money predate meeting one’s partner What are the “holy needs” for spending or saving? (children, work, appearances???)

What can you do about it? Determine the type of conversation  recognize that conversations about money are rarely just financial. They are also about emotions and values Realize that the emotional and fiscal components must both be addressed and that they are both important  Recognize that unilateral actions around money may be experienced as BETRAYAL by a partner. Set agreements on budgets; Make changes in agreements prior to acting on them.

CLOSING QUESTIONS

Fatherhood Work by Dr. Shapiro When Men Are Pregnant (1987; 1993) The Measure of a Man: Becoming the Father You Wish Your Father Had Been (1993; 1995) Becoming a Father ( with Drs. Michael Diamond, Martin Greenberg - Eds. 1995; 1998) A Father’s Declaration (Poster) 1997