The Troublesome Triangle Triangle is the smallest stable relationship Two people system is stable when “all is calm.” Anxiety or stress increases two look for vulnerable third person When tension becomes too great the three enlist others in a series of interlocking triangles. Example: Becky yells at banker for poor services when the real problem is her husband Rick squandered the rent money Example: Dad is seen as the boss, so mom and their son, Jeff collude in an attempt to usurp his power while the real problem is a marital conflict.

The Troublesome Triangle Triangles rarely solve problems. Triangles can be a good place to look for the source of a problem. Triangles are painful: examples Becky can continue to blame the bank, but she has to address the issues with Rick before their money problems get bigger. Mom and Jeff can continue to vie for power but the marriage will still get worse and Jeff may be the “victim,” or “collateral damage.”

Example of a Church Triangle Victim Persecutor Rescuer, Champion Stronger, attacking Weaker, wounded Sympathetic, Stronger, Equalizer

Victim-Offended Persecutor-Offender Rescuer, Champion is out Stronger, attacking Weaker, wounded Collapse The Triangle Peacemaker

Collapse The Triangle Victim-OffendedPersecutor-Offender Peacemaker But how…?

Collapse The Triangle Victim-Offended Persecutor-Offender Peacemaker But how…?

Collapse The Triangle Victim Persecutor Peacemaker Jesus knew what conflicts to stay out of Luke 12: Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.” Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you? One brotherOther brother “Who appointed me?”

Collapse The Triangle: Peacemakers are not Rescuers Peacemakers... 1.Do not take a champions role, but are not silent. 2.Go with the offended, with permission o Check it out with offender and offended: “Sue came to me.” “Jean tell Sue what you told me.” “So, Sue is that the way you saw it? 3.Do not rescue, but encourage to address it require offended to take responsibility

Example from “Conflict in the Kitchen” Sharon is a good friend of Aggie’s. She finds out from Aggie that she is no longer the Hospitality Convener and feels that Aggie is really hurting because she was made to step down two months ago and it was because of her age. Sharon shared with Bill a board member after service. Bill said he didn’t know anything about it, really, he wasn’t involved. Questions: Where might this conversation be headed? What should Bill do?

You know you’re in a triangle when… The functioning of two influences the functioning of a third person Two people are joined in some battle with the third There is a shifting 3 person relationship with one person always “out.”

You may be in a triangle when… You have a very strong emotional reaction to one person and turn for solace and support to another When you are overly involved in trying to solve one person’s problem with someone else Words like mediator, fixer, buffer, seem to describe your role. These are synonymous with rescuer and champion.

Triangles seem to occur more frequently when we are going through some kind of major life stress. What is your guess as to why this is true?

Why is it difficult to extricate ourselves from triangles? Fear of: Misplaced emotions Separation Abandonment Conflict Change Rejection or retaliation Anger Of the unknown Of confrontation Of self examination Guilt feelings Need to protect oneself and others

How to get out of a triangle 1. Decide. Be aware of it and decide it’s best for you to be out of it. 2. Defuse. Look at the energy you are expending. Are you reacting to the shifting of the other two? Calm down, cool off,, become a listener and observer, not a participant. 3. Detach. Stop trying to control other people. Realize you don’t have to fix anything or anybody. 4. Distance. You may have to temporarily physically remove yourself from the two parties to get the proper emotional distance.