Portfolio #1 First Draft Revisions

Turnitin.com Ms. Vanden Branden Class IDs Period 2 – Period 3 – Period 4 – Period 5 – Password: cupid

Turnitin.com Ms. Wrotten: Class ID: Password: cupid

Fix #1: Introducing Bulfinch in your Intro In your Introduction paragraph, you need to introduce ‘Bulfinch’s Greek Mythology,’ as the text you are using and where your myth is from. You also need to reference the fact that Thomas Bulfinch is the author. This way, you do not need to cite Bulfinch again in your paper.

Fix #1 Example In the myth ‘Nisus and Scylla,’ from Bulfinch’s Greek Mythology by Thomas Bulfinch, the character Scylla is seen as a self-absorbed girl in love.

Fix #2 Context with quotes and MLA citation Remember to give context to who is speaking the words in your direct quotes. YOU DO NOT NEED TO USE pg. or p. FOR PAGE NUMBER.

Fix #2 Example Scylla demonstrates selfishness in various parts of the Greek myth. For example, she falls in love with the rival of her family and kingdom. She states, “I grieve that Minos is our enemy; but I rejoice at any cause that brings him to my sight” (93).

Fix #3 Topic sentences relating to your main point Your topic sentence should refer to the generalization about your character you have made in your thesis statement. Your generalization is the main point you are making in your essay. Your reasons are the support/evidence/examples of your generalization.

Fix #3 Examples Generalization: Pyramus is an insanely in love person. Topic sentence 1: Pyramus is insanely in love with Thisbe because he went against his parents, for their families forbade them to marry. Topic sentence 2: In addition to Pyramus defying his parents’ rule, he demonstrates his insanity by finding an unconventional way to communicate with Thisbe. Topic sentence 3: Finally, Pyramus is so insanely in love that he is willing to take his own life when he found out that his love had died.

Fix #4 Evidence should link back to your main point! When you choose a direct quote to use in your body paragraphs, it is because it relates to the main point you are making. Don’t just summarize or explain what the quote is saying. Show how the quote is proving the point you are making about your character.

Fix #4 Example “It afforded passage to the voice; and tender message used to pass backward and forward through the gap” (27). This demonstrates that Pyramus and Thisbe exchange words through a small crack in a wall. This matters because they both love each other with all their soul and heart, and found a way to talk. This relates to Pyramus being committed to Thisbe, because he found a crack in the wall to talk to Thisbe, and embraced the chance to talk to her, no matter how silly that might sound to a couple in a less dramatic situation. Pyramus is committed enough to seize any opportunity to speak to his true love, even if the reward was not huge. This makes him honorable because we see that he lets no obstacle stand in his way of his love for Thisbe. Generalization: Pyramus is honorable in his commitment to to Thisbe.

Remember… An ‘Exceeding’ paper uses at least two direct quotes per body paragraph. A conclusion needs a Thought –provoking statement to drive your point home. Questions need question marks!