Commitments: Women and Intimate Relationships Chapter 8 WS 325 Dr. Thompson

Marriage Social institution  Regulated by Laws Religion Personal and Legal Contract

4 Marriage Marriage is a way that society and/or religions regulate private relationships between couples, stipulating who can/cannot marry Strong patriarchal heritage  White dress -Bride as Property  Name change -Mrs. (Mr’s) Women in industrialized countries are marrying later  Higher education  Economics  Experiences of independent living more likely, including premarital sex, cohabitation  Exposure to variety of viewpoints, opportunities, options and sense of self

5 Who marries ? Characteristics of a potential mate  Women and men within the same culture often had similar preferences Mutual attraction and love Dependable character Emotional stability Pleasing disposition  Across cultures, women were more likely to emphasize partner’s earning capacity and ambition, men more likely to emphasize good looks and physical attractiveness Marriage Gradient  Women “marry up”, men “marry down”  The tendency for women to marry men who are older, have higher prestige and income potential  Decreased in the U.S. as women gain access to educational opportunity and higher incomes

6 Varieties of Marriage Traditional Marriage  Traditional gender roles, both husband and wife agree husband has (and should have) ultimate authority in major decisions and control of money Modern marriage  Modern wives are employed, but her job is viewed as less important than the husband’s. Modern wives do a second shift every day Egalitarian Marriage  Post gender relationships: partners have moved beyond using gender to define their marital roles, equal power, authority Unrecognized, Unauthorized Marriage  In the past, slave marriages, interracial marriages were illegal and unrecognized  At this point in history, same-sex marriages are mostly unrecognized and unauthorized

How adherence to gender roles can affect relationships between the sexes

Power in Marriage The Myth of Equality  Refuse to acknowledge traditional gender role socialization  Husbands have final say in big decisions in most marriages (76%)  Power comes from money and traditional beliefs

9 Social Exchange Theory  The theory says that the partner who brings greater outside resources to the relationship will have the greater influence within the relationship. Resources may include prestige, knowledge, money, education, or any other valued “currency.”  The theory is based primarily on economic theory, but fails to acknowledge the powerful “symbolic” value of traditional gender roles  The reality is that even in dual-career couples, a husband’s opinions still tend to carry more weight, and a wife’s employment may not give her equal power. Her career may be relegated to a supportive or secondary income, and may be viewed as undermining her “nurturing role”

10 Marital Satisfaction Many studies about marital satisfaction over time show an initial “honeymoon period” then a substantial decline in happiness after one or two years, or with the birth of the first child. Husbands tend to be more satisfied than wives Women experience a disparity between their expectations of father’s involvement and the actual level of paternal contribution Women do more housework than their husbands, a fact that is exacerbated by the birth of a child Wives are likely to become dissatisfied with the marriage over time. Those who viewed their husbands as “tuned- in” to them and their relationship were more likely to feel their marital satisfaction increased or stayed the same after the birth of the child.

Psychological Adjustment Who do you think is happiest?  Single men  Married men  Single women  Married women

12 Marriage and Psychological Well-Being For both sexes, marriage is associated with better psychological adjustment Compared to couples where one partner dominates, more egalitarian relationships are associated with more affection, intimacy, constructive communication, sexual satisfaction and overall happiness within the marriage Research on 900 dual-career couples suggests:  For childfree married women, the more egalitarian the relationship the more satisfied she was likely to be in her marriage, an important factor in her psychological well-being  Married women with children generally experienced less egalitarian marriages, and perceived inequality directly related to psychological symptoms

Lesbian Couples Butch/Femme  Applies heterosexual scripts  Define stereotypic behavior Butch = husband Femme = wife Most lesbians reject gender roles  For them Butch = not enjoying “girly” things Femme = having freedom to enjoy make-up and other “feminine” things Refers to aspects of style not relationship dominance

Lesbians (continued) Prefer intelligence and interpersonal sensitivity 75% are in steady committed relationships No access to marriage, legal rights, tax advantages, spousal insurance benefits, or hospital rights 75% believe both should work Share chores Socialize together Are as well adjusted as heterosexuals

15 Lesbian Couples No research thus far on legally married gay couples Relationships more likely to be egalitarian, likely based on fairness and negotiation, and same sex couples also tend to share more leisure activities than heterosexual couples do Lesbian life satisfaction is impacted by support system of family and friends; breakups often not publicly acknowledged as being as significant as a heterosexual divorce, yet emotionally it can be just as devastating Social exchange theory may still apply, but more income doesn’t automatically equate to power, as equality and fairness are important values for lesbian couples

16 Cohabitation Heterosexual couples living together without legal marriage; “living together” Women who cohabit are generally more experienced sexually, less likely to be monogamous, more unconventional, independent and autonomous Cohabiting women 5x more likely than married women to have sex outside of the relationship Associated with premarital pregnancy For Euro American women, cohabiting before marriage increases the likelihood of divorce

17 Divorce US has highest divorce rate of industrialized countries, 40-50% within 15 years Lots of research on formal divorce, but what about when folks just split up, walk away, abandon…? The younger the couple when they married, the greater likelihood of divorce Women are more likely to cite infidelity, substance abuse, and mental or physical abuse as the reasons for divorcing Some women view divorce as liberation and have little to no psychological distress, but most experience anger, helplessness, and ambivalence. If they didn’t initiate it they may feel abandoned, powerless and vulnerable

18 Divorce Divorced people of both sexes have higher rates of illness, alcoholism and serious accidents Adjustment after divorce seems more problematic for men, but economically, women are often severely disadvantaged, having to adopt a lower standard of living African American women seem to adjust better than Euro American women based on three factors: multigenerational households, strong ties to parents, support from church and friends More than half the children in the US will experience their parents’ divorce before they reach 18. The majority of fathers in the US not living with their families provide NO monetary support. More than 25% of divorced women fall below the poverty line within 5 years of the divorce

19 Remarriage 2 nd marriages are even more likely to end in divorce  Blended families Factors correlated with success include positive family relationships, communication, mutual support among family members, reliance on spirituality and religion, family-time activities  Complex finances (why isn’t HE taking care of his own children? Who pays for…?)  Men are more likely to remarry  Husbands (again) are more satisfied than wives  It just may be easier to leave the second time around…

20 Should government tell adults who they can love? Who they can marry? What can you do?