Crucial Confrontations A book by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

What’s a Crucial Confrontation? A crucial confrontation consists of a face-to-face accountability discussion. Someone has disappointed you and you talk to that person directly. When handled well, the problem is resolved and the relationship benefits.

Preparation Consider whether to discuss it at all  If you keep silent…  Will your attitude show anyway?  Does your conscience nag you?  Will you eventually lose control and boil over and launch into it saying things you’ll soon regret?  If you speak up…  Are you going to surprise the other person (and any others in the same working group), because your position is based on a strict interpretation of a “rule” that only you consider to be a rule?

Preparation Consider what to talk about  If it’s a first-time problem, talk about content – i.e., precisely identify the problem.  If it’s a repeat of a problem, talk about the pattern that is being established.  As the problem spills over to how you relate to one another, talk about your relationship.

Preparation  Ask yourself why a reasonable, rational and decent person would do what you’ve observed.  The “Fundamental Attribution Error” is assuming that others do contrary things because it’s in their makeup or they actually enjoy doing them, while ignoring any other potential motivational forces.  Consider all source of influence—yourself, other workers, existing reward systems, etc.  Does the task in question play to the individual’s strength or weakness? Is he/she able to do it?

Confront With Safety  Describe the gap between what was expected and what happened.  Don’t play games (charades, mind reading, etc.)  If they immediately get defensive, try “contrasting.” Example: “I’m not saying that it was wrong for you to disagree with me in public. I want to hear everyone’s views when trying to make a significant decision. It’s just that I think the group heard your tone and words as attacking.”

Confront With Safety  Describe the gap (continued)  If necessary, establish mutual purpose. Example: “I’d like to give you some feedback that I think would help you be more productive with your meetings.”  End this opening of the subject with a sincere question, then listen to the answer. Example: “What happened in the meeting today? You seemed to be really agitated when you expressed your disagreement with what I was suggesting.”

Make It Motivating  People are motivated by the consequences they anticipate.  Point out the natural consequences of their actions.  If they truly want to understand more about “why,” elaborate.  Try to avoid the use of your power.

Make It Easy  It’s not always clear whether the problem is due to lack of motivation or ability. Sometimes it involves both.  Make the impossible task possible, the nasty task less nasty.  Invite them to explore the cause for not accomplishing the task. Ask “What do you think it’ll take?”  Finish by getting their commitment to act. “If I get you a copy of the regulation by noon, are you willing to do what it takes to finish the job by five, or is there something else I need to know?”

Agree On a Plan, Then Follow Up  What will be done?  By whom?  When?  Candidly discuss how and when you will follow-up.  Follow-up.