What keeps my up at night A true story by Brian Ballan (note: everything in here is real)

Coming in to week 12, I had total control of my playoff picture, needing only 2 out of 3 wins to make the playoffs

With tough losses in weeks 1 and 10 already and a loss to Smoot Smack in week 3, I was very nervous

I got the expected big games from my RBs and Boldin and solid showings from most of my role players, but he got 31 points from his defense to keep it close Late games But I still had a 29 point lead going into the late games

Of course I was rooting heartily against two Patriots for multiple reasons and had a Peyton Manning who should have been there for me; people told me to relax, but I refused to listen because of what these guys had told me earlier in the day I have no interest in stats this year. Adam Vinatieri taught me that. Plus, I have Joseph Addai on my fantasy team and I was also up against Baltimore D I’ll never forget that time I met you at the Hudson Hotel after we had shellacked the Jets. I vowed to ruin your day every chance I got. Also, my mommy combs my hair. I’m just a rookie. But, shit, Tom fucking hates you and your baby coach.

But what I should have realized… Hey, what’d you expect, I earned my salary after I held out because I score TDs. So what if they’re in garbage time?

Of course, that garbage time TD (and a Peyton Manning INT) screwed me Late games I fell to.500

Now, with two weeks left, the fight for the last 2 playoff spots shakes out like this TeamExpected Record* (Estimated Points*) Remaining Schedule (Record, pts) Snakes on a Rabe7-5 (1184) Orange Crush v2.0 (9-3, 1111) Team Sehorn (5-7, 952) Kryptonite6-6 (1188) Bird Gang (10-2, 1219) Stugots (3-9, 990) TheJoeyHeismans6-6 (1132) 7 Kinds of Smoke (4-8, 958) Bird Gang (10-2, 1219) SmootSmack6-6 (1103) Stugots (3-9, 990) My team shat the bed (4-8, 1036) Team Sehorn5-7 (952) My team shat the bed (4-8, 1036) Snakes on a Rabe (7-5, 1184) *Barring any craziness in MNF

And I shake out like this

Appendix: For reference on MNF potential for craziness Darrell Jackson, Donald Driver, Mo Morris for Stugots Brett Favre going for Team Sehorn Josh Brown for TheJoeyHeismans Shaun Alexander for Snakes on a Rabe