Escape the Power Struggle (and the #Selfie) The Communication Strategy for Becoming a More Empathetic Family Dr. Joshua Straub

Breaking Free Step I: Remember Your Story – Narrative Recall Step II: Recognize Your Pain and Need for Healing – “Can’t heal what you don’t feel” Step III: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story Step IV: Repair Your Story – ‘forgiveness, grace and acceptance’ Step V: Reconnect – deepening emotional strands of safety, trust and intimacy; able to accept influence from others.

Being Loved & Loving Others  We rely on secure base relationships in marriage  2 roles in attachment relationship:  Secure-base use—(attachment)  Secure base provision—(caregiving )

 Signals distress  Seeks comfort  Experiences calm  Healthy confidence Secure Base Script Secure Base User

Secure Base Provider  Interest = Availability  Awareness = Sensitivity, Concern  Empathy = Understanding, Comfort  Responsiveness = Care, Helpfulness

Four Basic Phases  Identification  Enhance Motivation and Commitment (Will Set)  Skill Acquisition Phase (Skill Set)  Skill Application and Follow-Through

Phase 1: Identification  Identifying emotional distress--e.g., anxiety, depression, addiction—and linking to interpersonal conflict  Can you see connection between relationship conflict and ongoing symptoms?

Phase 2: Will Set  The price of intimacy  Choosing between 3 options  Giving up intimacy incompatible attitudes and behaviors

The Price of Intimacy Intimacy: Your willingness to endure the negative feelings you will get when you get close to another person. – David Burns

Choosing 1 of 3 Options One: Maintain Status Quo — continue trying to change the other person Two: Leave the relationship Three: Stay, but take 100% responsibility to change the way you deal with conflict

Giving Up Intimacy Incompatible Attitudes Giving Up Blame: Your right to punish another person when they hurt you Giving Up Being Right: Your right to be viewed by the other person as being right

Phase III: Skill Set Empathy—acknowledging and accepting how another person feels and why they feel that way Assertiveness—expressing your feelings, wants, needs Respect—being kind and valuing your relationship with other person

Empathy Inquiry Feeling empathy what the other person is feeling Thought empathy why the other is feeling that way Disarming seeing grain of truth in other person’s criticism

Two Laws The Law of Reciprocity (The Golden Rule) & The Law of Opposite

Assertiveness Expressing your feelings: When you______________, I feel__________. Expressing what you need/want Expressing your own negative feelings about your own behavior—humility I’m really angry with myself for doing x. This is really painful to hear, but there is a lot of truth in what you are saying

Respect D0 Be Kind Overtly value the relationship Give person benefit of doubt Don’t Blame Judge Use sarcasm

Situational Description -Moving beyond global, transitional description -Anchoring relationship events into an actual place and an actual time frame -Identifying a slice of time: with a beginning, a middle, and an end. -Block commentary/interpretations -Identify hotspot in the conversation -Move to Relationship Event Worksheet

Relationship Event Worksheet 1.What exactly did the other person say? 2.What exactly did you say? 3.How, exactly, did other person respond to your statement 4.Evaluate what you said in step 2. 1.Empathetic? 2.Assertive? 3.Respectful? 5.Consequences: Did your response at 2 make things better or worse? Why? 6.Revise 2

Three Pathways Compliance Interaction Grace Pathway Truth Pathway Safe House Pathway

Collaborative Problem Solving  E—Empathy  A—Assert  R—Respect  I—Invite  C—Collaboration

Empathy  Listening and understanding child concerns  Helping child articulate concerns what the concern  Taking concerns seriously  Empathy is a reciprocal process, so you may try to empathize but if the child does not believe you understand then you have not empathized

Assert  Define problem, expressing concern or expectation  Don’t mistake your solutions for concerns or expectation  Appeal to rules as important principles to follow

Respect  Work at monitoring and managing your own emotion regulation—if too upset, go to pathway C  Non-contingent respect  Never use disrespect as a form of punishment  Avoid global, negative attributions  Remain warm—avoid triggering CER’s

Invite  Asking child to generate possible solutions  Avoid forcing solutions  Think out loud

Collaboration  Working with child to come up with workable solutions  Help child use foresight and hindsight  Model flexibility  Model regulation  Model respect  Maintain warmth

Qualities of Good Solutions  When to use A  When to use C  Different kinds of C’s, some are better than others  Two kinds of B’s  Emergence  Proactive—timing is everything

Moments of Connection  Turning conflict into learning