Communication and relational dynamics Chapter topics Why We Form Relationships Relational Development and Maintenance Communicating about Relationships

Why We Form Relationships Appearance Is especially important in the early stages Partners create “positive illusions,” viewing another as more attractive over time Similarity We like people who are similar to us Friendships are more likely to last when friends are similar to one another

Why We Form Relationships Complementarily Differences strengthen relationships when they are complementary Each partner’s characteristics satisfy the other’s needs Reciprocal Attraction We like people who like us – usually People who approve of us, bolster our self-esteem

Why We Form Relationships Competence We like to be around talented people If a person is too talented it can be difficult to be around them because they make us look bad Disclosure Revealing information about yourself can help to build liking Not all disclosure leads to liking

Why We Form Relationships Proximity We are likely to develop relationships with people we interact with frequently Familiarity can also breed contempt Most aggravated assaults occur within the family Rewards Social Exchange Theory Relationships that give us rewards greater than or equal to the costs of the relationship

Relational Development and Maintenance Models of Relational Development Figure 8.1 Page 276

Relational Development and Maintenance Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship Initiating Communication during this stage is usually brief Simplistic communication is a way of signaling you may want to begin a relationship Experimenting After initial contact we decide if we with to pursue the relationship further Uncertainty reduction Getting to know others by gaining more information

Relational Development and Maintenance Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship Intensifying The interpersonal relationship begins to develop The expression of feeling becomes more common Giving tokens of affection, hinting and flirting Integrating Parties begin to take on identity as a social unit Partners begin to take on each other’s commitments Close friends may begin to speak alike

Relational Development and Maintenance Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship Bonding Parties make symbolic public gestures Commitment is increased during this stage Being together comes to be relied on Differentiating The “We” orientation shifts back to “I” The stage is likely to occur when the relationship experiences its first feelings of stress

Relational Development and Maintenance Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship Circumscribing Partners behave towards each other in old, familiar ways Communication decreases in quantity and quality Shrinking of interest and commitment Stagnating No growth occurs The relationship is a hollow shell of its former self

Relational Development and Maintenance Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship Avoiding Parties begin to create physical distance between each other Unsuccessful couples deal with their problems by avoidance, indirectness and less involvement Terminating Includes summary dialogue Depending on each person’s feelings, this stage can be quite short or drawn out over time

Relational Development and Maintenance Models of Relational Development Alternate patters of relational development Figure 8.3 Page 282

Relational Development and Maintenance Models of Relational Development Dialectical Perspectives Communicators seek important but inherently incompatible goals through their relationship Dialectical Tensions Conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously Managing dialectical tensions can create the most powerful dynamic in relational communication

Relational Development and Maintenance Models for Relational Development Dialectical Tensions Connection versus Autonomy We seek out involvement with others We are unwilling to sacrifice our entire identity to even the most satisfying relationship One of the most common reasons for relational breakups involve failure of partners to satisfy each other’s needs for connection “We barely spent any time together.” “I was feeling trapped.”

Relational Development and Maintenance Models for Relational Development Dialectical Tensions Openness versus Privacy Along with the need to disclose, we have an equally important drive to maintain space Even the strongest relationships require some distance Predictability versus Novelty Too much predictability can lead to feelings of staleness The challenge is to juggle the desire for predictability with the desire for novelty that keeps a relationship fresh

Relational Development and Maintenance Models for Relational Development Managing Dialectical Tensions In one study married couples reported: Connection-autonomy was the most frequent (30.8%) Predictability –novelty was second (21.7%) Openness-privacy was least (12.7%)

Relational Development and Maintenance Models for Relational Development Managing Dialectical Tensions Other Strategies Denial Reporting to one end of the dialectical spectrum and ignoring the other Disorientation Communicators feel so overwhelmed and helpless they are unable to confront their problems Alternation Alternating between extremes on the spectrum

Relational Development and Maintenance Models for Relational Development Managing Dialectical Tensions Other Strategies Segmentation Partners use this tactic to compartmentalize different areas of their relationship Balance Communicators try to balance dialectical tensions Integration Simultaneously accept opposing forces without trying to diminish them

Relational Development and Maintenance Models for Relational Development Managing Dialectical Tensions Other Strategies Recalibration Responding to dialectical challenges by reframing them so that apparent contradictions disappear Reaffirmation This strategy acknowledges that dialectical tensions will never disappear

Relational Development and Maintenance Characteristics of Relationships Relationships: Are constantly changing Are affected by culture Require Maintenance Require Commitment Relation commitment involves a promise – sometimes implied and sometimes explicit – to remain in the relationship and make it successful

Relational Development and Maintenance Repairing Damaged Relationships Types of relational transgressions Minor versus Significant Recognize problems for what they are Social versus Relational Some transgression violate social, not relational norms Deliberate versus Unintentional Transgressions are not always intentional One-time versus Incremental Accidents do happen

Relational Development and Maintenance Repairing Damaged Relationships An apology requires three elements: An acknowledgment that the transgression was wrong: “I acted like a jerk.” A sincere apology: “I’m really sorry. I feel awful for letting you down.” Some type of compensation: “If I act that way again, you can call me on it.”

Communicating about Relationships Content and Relational Messages Content Messages The subject being discussed Relational Messages How the parties feel toward one another Types of Relational Messages Affinity Immediacy Respect Control

Communicating about Relationships Metacommunication Messages that people exchange, verbally or nonverbally, about their relationship Communication about communication Can be used as a way to reinforce the satisfying aspects of a relationship “I really appreciate it when you complement me about my work in front of the boss.”

Chapter Review Why We Form Relationships Relational Development and Maintenance Communicating about Relationships