Boundary setting and discipline Presented by Elmarie Moss-Dormehl 23 October 2010 Epworth Foster/Host Parent Training

Attachment and Discipline?  2 different types of attachment  Trust relationship issues by the child  Ambivalent (seeking love from strangers)  Both types have issues with: verbal vs. non-verbal cues, trust, rejection etc.  Positive Discipline (Boundary setting) vs. Short term punishment

Boundaries The ability to connect what you want with what the child wants in positive ways. The ability to motivate and reinforce cooperative behavior with outcomes other than adult approval or avoidance of negative adult reactions (shaming, criticism, abandonment). The willingness to withhold positive consequences until the child has held up his end of the bargain. The ability to immediately intervene when a child has violated the conditions or limits of a boundary, avoiding warnings, delayed consequences, punishment, or praise. House rules

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Homework time: Action, Behavior, Consequence

Powering: Parent Wins, child Lose Strategies: Humiliation, loss of dignity, violation of self-esteem; criticism, shaming, verbal/emotional violence Threat to physical safety, physical violence Conditional approval or love; threat of emotional abandonment Deprivation of meaningful privilege or activity (ex: recess, eligibility, graduation) Dynamic/Outcomes: Depends on your reaction, power, anger and child’s fear of your reaction May generate superficial compliance. Reinforces people-pleasing, dependence on approval or at least minimal cooperation to avoid being hurt in some way. Passive learning. Can inspire rebelliousness, particularly in students who aren’t motivated by the need for your approval or those who need to “save face.” Boundary Issues: Does not respect childs’ boundaries or need for power; violates students’ boundaries. Effectiveness: Can be effective in getting short-term cooperation from compliant students. Cost to emotional environment and quality of relationship between teacher and student is HIGH.

Permissiveness: Parent Loses, Child Win (sort of...) Strategies: Dynamic/Outcomes: Boundary Issues: Effectiveness:. Permissiveness: Parent Loses, Child Win (sort of...) Strategies: Allowing students to behave in ways that can create problems for you or others Letting kids have their way to avoid other conflicts Letting kids do something they want in order to obligate them to cooperate; attempt to motivate cooperation through guilt, by being “nice” Giving up; perception of having less influence or control than is true Dynamic/Outcomes: Chaos, manipulation, lack of student self-management Tremendous insecurity when students’ needs for limits are not met Teacher frustration, often ending up in reactive “blow-up” when you reach the end of your rope; encourages kids to really push the limits. Boundary Issues: General lack of boundaries, unclear boundaries based on differences between teacher’s understanding and students’ understanding (“Be good.” “Clean this area.”), ambiguous boundaries, or boundaries with built in loop-holes (using warnings, asking for excuses, etc.) Effectiveness: Minimal; usually kids know that they don’t have to listen until you start screaming, for example. Lack of limits and predictability makes cost to emotional environment and quality of teacher-student relationship HIGH.

Win-Win/Cooperation: Parent Wins, Child Wins Strategies: Dynamic/Outcome: Win-Win/Cooperation: Parent Wins, Child Wins Strategies: May include meaningful activities such as going to a center, self-selection, use of certain equipment, games, extra free time, time with adult, working with a friend, drawing, running an errand, a chance to help in another classroom; good grades (motivating for students who find grades meaningful) or a “good” note home; a “night off” from homework; etc. What’s worked for you?? May offer children a chance to choose between two or more activities, the sequence in which they do assignments, or choices about where, when, how, or with whom to do particular activities Dynamic/Outcome: NOT based on parents’s reaction, fear of parents’s power, or need for approval Proactive approach that considers and attempts to accommodate the students’ needs for both limits and power within those limits Clearly-communicated contingencies, boundaries, guidelines, limits before the students have a chance to mess up. Student needs for limits and control are accommodated as much as possible in an environment in which the teacher is still the authority Reward-oriented; focuses on positive outcomes to student (not externally based) Predictable (so long as boundaries are maintained); mutually respectful

Boundary Issues: Effectiveness: “Magic” Sentences for Avoiding Conflict and for Negotiating (Getting What You Want) by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. Sentences” (or key phrases) are simply practical ways to use language to prevent, minimize or de-escalate conflicts with kids. Different sentences will be useful in different situations. These examples represent a win-win approach to relationships with young people and can be equally effective in interactions with other adults. Boundary Issues: None. Boundaries are clearly communicated and upheld. Effectiveness: Best possibility for success of all configurations of authority relationships. Actually builds and supports positive classroom relationships. “Magic” Sentences for Avoiding Conflict and for Negotiating (Getting What You Want) by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. Sentences” (or key phrases) are simply practical ways to use language to prevent, minimize or de-escalate conflicts with kids. Different sentences will be useful in different situations. These examples represent a win-win approach to relationships with young people and can be equally effective in interactions with other adults.

“Great first draft.” Use when kids turn in work that is incomplete, illegible or incorrect. Invites kids to redo, complete, clean up or self-correct their work. “We’ll try again later.” For times when you withdraw a positive consequence (ask kids to sit somewhere else, stop reading the story). This keeps the door open for kids to try again and make better choices at a later time. “This isn’t working.” An excellent way to interrupt disruptive or off-task behavior without attacking or criticizing. “I know you wish you could…” Validates a child’s desire to do something (not go to a particular class, go to the nurse or go home, hit a classmate, not take a test, etc.) when that option is not available or not negotiable. “That won’t work for me.” A simple, non-attacking way to reject a student’s suggestion when it proposes something inappropriate or inadequate for your objectives. You can validate the worth of the proposal (“Interesting idea” or “Oh, that does sound like it would be fun”) and, if appropriate, even offer to look for opportunities to offer that suggestion at another time.

“Think of a solution that will work for both of us.” “Can you live with that?” “Because we’re all different and we all get to succeed.” “Equally appropriately challenged.” “Think of a solution that will work for both of us.” Transfers responsibility to a dissatisfied student to find a solution that will work for him and for you (and not become a problem for anyone else). “Can you live with that?” Affirming commitment after coming to an agreement. “Tell me what you just agreed to (do).” Confirms the student’s understanding of an agreement, making sure you and the student are on the same page. “We don’t say that here.” Non-attacking response to student’s hurtful or offensive language. “Because we’re all different and we all get to succeed.” When questioned about why different students are on different pages, have different assignments or different requirements; or to be taught in different ways. “Equally appropriately challenged.” A 21st-century definition of “fair” (as opposed to “fair” meaning “same”); allows different kids to be on different pages, have different assignments or different requirements; or to be taught in different ways. “

Note: Consider negotiating with kids (getting their input and ideas) because: It’s a great way to communicate your limits. (It’s not giving in! Honest!) It’s a great way to secure a commitment. It’s a great way to be sure they understand both what you want and what they can expect (positive consequences) if they follow through on their end. It’s a great way to accommodate kids’ needs for power and autonomy without compromising your own authority. Sometimes they can come up with better solutions and ideas than we can!Note: Consider negotiating with kids (getting their input and ideas) because: It’s a great way to communicate your limits. (It’s not giving in! Honest!) It’s a great way to secure a commitment. It’s a great way to be sure they understand both what you want and what they can expect (positive consequences) if they follow through on their end. It’s a great way to accommodate kids’ needs for power and autonomy without compromising your own authority. Sometimes they can come up with better solutions and ideas than we can!

 Homework tips: (for children) When to start with homework: Generally speaking, the best time is right after school and about 20 minutes after a protein and vitamin rich snack. There are other factors, like what you did right before, and what you intend to do right after. You'll have small patience if you are chomping at the bit to go somewhere or to do something that you want to do more than homework or if you just finished exercising. Work other activities into the homework cycle! No matter how much society may reward sitting still at school, you need a break after school. First, get all your homework materials together, and read through the assignments you have to do. STOP. Go do something else for about 10 or 15 minutes. After about a 15 or 20 minute break, take a seat and start your first homework assignment. Do your subjects in the right order. As much as you may hate the hardest subjects for you, tackle them first. You'll reward yourself by moving into easier topics as your energy and attention wander with the passing of homework time.

Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.,Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA, © 2008, accessed on 13 May 2010 The Win-Win Classroom,ttp:// Win-Win Classroom,ttp:// Article: Classroom Behavior Management: A Dozen Common Mistakes and What to Do instead. By: Barbetta, P. M, Norcha, K.L & Bicard D. F. Journal: Preventing School Failure 48(3)