“How Soccer Is Ruining America: A Jeremiad” Analyzing Stephen Webb’s essay

A Definition of Satire Satire is a technique employed by writers to expose and criticize foolishness and corruption of an individual or a society by using humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule. It intends to improve humanity by criticizing its follies (foolishness) and foibles (weaknesses). A writer in a satire uses fictional characters, which stand for real people, to expose and condemn their corruption.

The First Point Paraphrased: Any sport that limits you to the use of your feet (and non-use of your hands) has something wrong with it. Lens: Conservative Values (political) Strategies: - Webb contrasts liberal and conservative views in order to vilify the liberals. - Pulls in religious references (5 references to God) - Listing: one statement after another with little to no follow up or elaboration. - Rhetorical Questions: 3 rhetorical questions in one paragraph; each question necessitates a no answer, so the reader has the answer: “NO!” ringing in their ears. True Criticism: Webb seems to be making a friendly dig at those who use the “It’s so stupid that you can’t use your hands” argument against soccer. What is so sacred about hands? Also, by taking the religious connections to a hyperbolic level, he is commenting on the tendency of some to draw too heavily on their beliefs to the point that it alienates others (seems to be suggesting this would be the conservative right).

The Second Point Paraphrased: Soccer lacks the character building qualities of other sports. Lens: Parenting (ethics/values) Strategies: - Figurative Language: Three similes used to glorify baseball, to criticize the public humiliation of striking out, and to criticize the inane nature of chanting at the batter. - Sarcasm/Irony: “Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up.” Webb starts with this claim, but then proceeds to use describe the elements of baseball that may leave room for criticism. True Criticism: Webb’s first statement about breaking kids down is the stance that he seems to be critiquing. He demonstrates the absurdity of some of the rituals in baseball, as well as, the unnecessary nature of some of the harsher aspects of sports involvement.

The Third Point Paraphrased: Soccer is a foreign invasion. Lens: Pride in America (nationalism) Strategies: - Word analysis: “sudden death,” “kick out,” and “shootouts” – Webb points out the “death and despair” inherent in the language surrounding soccer jargon - Focuses on the seemingly futile nature of soccer; “the better you get the less you score.” Minimalizes the sport as a whole to the point that he says a coin flip could do away with the need for the game itself. True Criticism: Webb seems to be criticizing the need for instant gratification and the need to be entertained that is prevalent in American culture.

The Fourth Point Paraphrased: Soccer is a girls’ sport. Lens: Gender Strategies: - Stereotyping as a false framework for the analysis of the contrast between gender roles/expectations. - Analogy between stamina required in soccer and childbirth. True Criticism: Dismissive attitude of society towards men who play sports other than the stereotypical “male sports” of baseball and football

Conclusion Webb does a few specific things in order to shift the writing and to make clear the satirical nature and actual message of the piece. Provides a rebuttal to those who might attribute it to a conspiracy of the “liberal left” to make America more European. Places responsibility on the “Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America.” Provides anecdotal evidence from his own experience as a soccer dad, which supports the value of the sport and contradict the overt message of the rest of the piece.