The Dilemma of Fantasy Bonds You can only have relationships with real people not with ideas and organizations (24 slides) Creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

Fantasy bonds with ideas… We can love ideas and the pursuit of ideas but is that a relationship? I love that idea. or I just love my job. may be an expression of attachment but hardy represents a relationship of any kind (except of fantasy bond caliber). My children … in response to someone saying “I love pie (or some other thing or activity) !” would respond by saying, “So you going to marry it?”

There seems to be a tendency by some to regard the form of things more important than the substance. Or the appearance of a good relationship being more important than the actual relationship.

The nature of the form… The form should be a certain way. It has to have certain characteristics. It needs to function in certain ways. It must have certain parameters and boundaries. It needs to appear and look a certain way. The appearance of form may become more important than its essence. (think of a house of cards that look very impressive but will fall apart at the slightest intrusion)

Here is the dichotomy… Relationship Substance Reality Honesty Fantasy bond Form The shoulds Dishonesty

This lesson will be an exploration of these two ideas: 1. You can only have relationships with individuals. 2. But you can have fantasy bonds with ideas, organizations, institutions and individuals.

A definition of a relationship A relationship is based upon the sharing of feelings (both positive and negative) which provide the root system for intimacy and honesty between two individuals. A relationship is a personal give and take requiring an investment of time, space and energy. Only in the ego fantasy of a mind can inanimate institutions carry on a relationship

Definition of a fantasy bond: A fantasy bond is constructed of obligations and appropriate outward behaviors and feigned attitudes (that may or may not reflect inner realities). It is a relationship role play of shoulds and oughts. It is a relationship that is based upon a societal and cultural consensus of what is appropriate. The form and appearance of the relationship being more important than the actual relationship that exists between the two people.

When a relationship becomes a fantasy bond… A relationship evolves into a fantasy bond when honesty and intimacy are substituted with pretence and disingenuous exchanges. The relationship deteriorates into an acting job where each persons acts according to the expectations of the other and/or society. Examples would be an employee that inwardly hates their boss but acts in accordance with business expectations. Or a daughter than despises her abusive father but acts as if she liked him (in each fantasy bond case it would be a matter of survival).

Relationships versus fantasy bonds with organizations and institutions… What we call a relationship with an organization or institution is in actuality a fantasy bond. We cannot have a relationship with an organization but only with the idea or image of the organization/institution. The only actual relationship we have are with the people that represent and are in the organization/institution

So what? Why would this be important to understand? The so what, is found in discriminating the difference, since we can only have fantasy bonds with organizations/ institutions we can instead put our energies and attentions into the real and substantial relationships with the people in the organizations and institutions. We need not be seduced by the fantasy bonds with the organizations (love or hate) or reject the organizations/institutions when we are offended by someone that represents them.

The church as an example institution… We all know of someone who was offended at church and has since rejected his or her church and stopped coming. There are many who blame their church for something when it was an individual in the church that was responsible. The difference is important.

Another example: Can someone have a relationship with the institution of the family? I would say no. You can only have a fantasy bond with the image of the family. You can have real relationships with the individual people in the family but not with the idea or image of it. How many children have a strong fantasy bond with the idea of their family but lack sincere, intimate relationships with the members of the family?

The role of our ego The emphasis of our commitment and loyalty to any organization can become enmeshed and fused with our ego needs. We may hear expressions of loyalty and affection for the organization (including family, churches, business, corporations, and the like) but what is the origin and nature of our verbally expressed obligations and dedications? It is basically made up of ego expectations and desires to perceive one’s self in a special way. The ego creates a paradigm of a fantasy relationship and projects that fantasy upon the organization and sees it as being reciprocated. Thus we meet our own emotional need via our ego.

In other cases we may hate the organization or idea and express our power by despising the same. The only problem, once again, is that the reality we are engaging in is made up by our ego and nothing really changes because it is a false and shallow ego created reality. That is not to say it doesn’t make a difference in reality. I know of situations where the perceived injustice or offense can literally ruin the person’s life as they are eaten up by the negative and hateful energies toward the organization that slighted them.

What about parents who love their families? We all know parents who profess to love their families but who do not know their own children. We all know parents who profess to love their families but who do not nurture individual time and relationships with its members by being intimate and emotionally close with them. We all know parents who profess to love their families but who reject their children when they do not live up to their strongly held expectations.

The problem… There is a problem when a child feels less important to their parents than the fantasy bond ideal of some project. If a child feels less important than the family project of church (organizational) activity or some other priority, then wounded hearts can choose to act out the pain via resistance and rebellion to the fantasy bond ideal or project of the parent.

Parents can treat children in ways that demean their inner natures and make them feel bad and worthless. When that happens they may feel the tension of their integrity motivates them for pay back according to that inner feeling. The action may be immature on their part (rejection, rebellion, anger, revenge) but it is never the less grounded in their experienced nature and reality.

Family and organizations When the fantasy bond with an organization becomes more important than the relationship of a person within a family dysfunction is present and things are not healthy. It is never appropriate for a fantasy bond with an idea or organization to be valued above a personal family relationship with a spouse or child.

Parents need to be sophisticated enough in their own lives to be able to understand that some of the problems they experience with their children are of their own making. Because of their inability to be honest about their own agendas and issues surrounding fantasy bonds can do great harm to the real relationships we all profess are important to us.

We can be members of an organization… Membership in an organization is not the same as having a personal relationship and being engaged in it. Membership in organizations make possible relationships with other people but the membership should never be seen as being more important than relationships. People who value fantasy bonds with organizations over personal relationships are confusing and enmeshing the issues.

In other words… You can have membership in an organization but only by engaging in in a real relationship with people will any influence or power ever be made manifest. Feigned concern, hypocrisy and guile are all adjectives that describe pretense, falseness and dishonesty of the fantasy bond. And if our ego is calling the shots, that fantasy bond illusion of organizational relationship is shallow and false.

Each of us will have to decide at some point in life if we are going to invest our energies into real relationships or into the fantasy bonds created by our egos so we can feel special. Wisdom would suggest the real relationships should be nurtured at the expense of our fantasy bonds, not the other way around. Never be seduced by the imaginary image of our egos while the real relationships we could have with our children and spouse wither on the vine of the fantasy bond.

the end